Let There be Chaos

Now Playing: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

2011-08-19T22:20:00.002+08:00

24 hours after the release of results, the reality sinks in. What I've got, I realise, is sufficient for the end all of my dreams, perhaps sufficient for most of my peers. But I aimed high and was disappointed, unable to accept things so ordinary. Effort was never minimal on my part, and when what I sow was lesser than that, I felt hopeless, cheated, betrayed. I distracted myself, avoiding my grief by hanging out with friends, getting intoxicated but yet when I was alone, awake and sober, like now, 24 hours later, I'm just another loser who had lost a battle and I have to face defeat like suckerpunch in my face.

The only good thing about my results is that, I passed. Knowing me, I don't want to just pass. Out of rage yesterday I tore off every motivational banner I had on my wall. now they're lying in pieces on my table, exactly, the boulevard of broken dreams. I was packing my notes, ready to give them all away knowing that I do not need them anymore as I am moving on. I can't help but to realise the bulk, the research materials, the effort, all the hardwork and sweat. My pile of articles and notes, essays, scribbled texts, torn books. I remembered those hopes those days, the energy I had, the dreams I believed in. I was so happy then, even though I strained myself senseless trying to comprehend, analyse, argue, and I thought all was for the best, and I will be rewarded in the end. I remembered amidst the mockery, the disbelief, I carried on knowing I am fighting for my better tomorrow.

Now, the enormous pile of paper meant nothing at all, nothing but representing the scarce event of an unfortunate incident where failures do, happen to those who work hard, aimed high, and believed.

Now, you know what I meant by feeling cheated and betrayed. For all the heartbreak, I can't help but to let those tears fall freely to soak those dreamfilled sheets, once, a person who dedicated so much to her dreams had wrote her heart and soul in each letter on those notes.

Can't Live Without You

2011-07-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

You stopped me aside, in my pace, leave me gasping in awe.
You taste like midsummer night so sweet, but I need you like air,
You took over me, possess me, take me up high.
Control me, lure me into your maze, still dazzled, I beg you on my knees.

Why do I need you so? So much that has been of me.
You made up every piece of me,
My soul lingers in the presence of your breath,
My spirit leaps by your sight.

Why do I want you so? So much more than me.
I reach out to want you, thristy for you,
Hungry over the pieces you leave,
Lust over your imprint over me.

You again came back to me, call for me,
Tempt me with your scent.
I'm again cast in addiction, little then by more.
You, I only can live within, and will die without.

Is it as they say,
That you can't invent? Some get made and some get sent?
I was blinded.
Shower me a rainfall of you.

And you, you, what I call love.
It's you love that possess me.
I do not fall in love with the man.
I'm just in love with love.

Deadbeat

2011-07-24T21:08:00.002+08:00

I was told by a classmate of mine that she actually still reads my blog despite it running into dormancy. I have no plans of reviving whatsoever, but the mind has always been idle, allowing constant influx of emotions, mixed feelings about people and the world. Hence I'd opt to vent out in a more efficient and discreet manner, ie via my blog, where I, for a fact, know that only the closest, and the most concerned people on the earth, would actually read and appreciate it.

Many years ago when my innocent world was robbed, raped and died, I always had been envious of people who think too little about everything, living in their own bubble of clean air, the warmth of the protective womb that they infest in. Many would be deem innocent, foolish, or ignorant, but I just admired the simplicity they created, and the happiness they brought to the people around them, being honest and decent without being called a hypocrite. People on the other extreme often pride themselves as being experienced, mature, having travelled the world and ready, for anything.

A: Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?
B: I don't know, but I guess I have myself to protect.
A: And I thought you loved me.
B: Yes i do, I still do, but I am...still me. My self interests.
A: No, it wasn't that when we spoke that day.
B: I don't want to be this way, no one else wants this to be in this way, but we just suck it up and move on with life. By 2 years, 5, 10, you will not know me, you will forget about me. You will have your new friends, your own family, you will be happy again. I'm just a phase you have to go through in life. I guess I'd just be a fragment of your memory. Sweet the taste, bitter, sour; I guess we have our own tastebuds that differs. You'd remember at first, and you'd reserve the memory. And by the time you have Alzeihmer's when you're dying, I'll be non existent. It's by then the last man standing, would be the one you know. And it'd not be me.

Sometimes life is just so random that I lost track of who I'm supposed to treasure. I'm so scared in losing everything in life. I grasp too much and I ran out of air all the time, and it's just not enough everytime. Yes I'd scream and cry to God asking why life is just that agonising and unfair; that people who sacrifices, makes the most efforts, are always on the losing side and are always sceptical about what content is in life. Yes, I'd try thinking from a neutral point of view, but all the time i'm too carried away, and I hated myself for that. And when they told me smiling is good for the face, i wonder what is any longer good for the dying heart.

Every morning I run 7km, and for all the distances that I've ran, I know I'll just keep you, and eveything you did to me, as a memory.

Facts

2011-06-26T19:32:00.001+08:00

I heart them all.

Right There

2011-05-16T23:26:00.000+08:00

I took a long run and lots of thoughts flood my mind, where all I listen, is the thumping of my iPod music and my racing heartbeat. I see cars leaving office blocks, the usual six thirty jam. I kept running, panting slightly, shirt soaked with sweat on the back.

I took a long run, the evening sky turning twilight grey. I wanted to cry so badly.

On that sudden, I hope some car can just come and knock me down, so that for once, I don't have to think. For once, I don't have to let all these heartaches and hurt to be disguised under false pretense. I don't need lies to know the truth, nor the smile to know the hurt. For once, let my aching heart die.

Of Family Ties

2011-04-08T22:14:00.002+08:00

Not long after, sis would be flying off to Taiwan and will be spending 7 years abroad for her medical degree. I jokingly told her that by the time she's back, looking for a job locally, I'd become a senior partner in some prestigious law firm. As of now, everyone is busy with life, studies, work; we as a family rarely have time together. Times where I return to an empty house, or waking up to a quiet morning. Times when I don't get to see my siblings because by the time I'm back, they've slept. And also, times where we would resort to big arguments; mum arguing the lack of attention, sis arguing the unfair treatment received among siblings, bro with his issue of not faring well in exams. Point is, we have all our demands. Our demands sometimes overwhelm what we, as a family, are supposed to relax and enjoy. In arguing and reasoning the lack of love and attention, the amount of blame and jealousy placing on our priorities; be it work, studies, love life, ambitions, social networks......, I think we have somehow exaggerated the condition which we are in, in stating how unloved and unwanted we are, how bad it is. It's really not that bad. Family arguments are commonplace and part and parcel of, a family. What matters is that we always forgive each other and move on, bearing in mind that we still love each other and try our best in making each other happier and contented in life.

And I know I can only trust my family 100% but no other, and my family will always protect me like no other; as we have been always sticking through thick and thin, helping each other and reminding us of the mistakes we've done to not repeat, cautioning us of those dangers ahead so that we won't fall into traps. Like how they've been supportive of me when I studied law, and how forgiving they are when I did badly in my STPM, and how proud they've been when I scored. And those, are little things, little expressions that always make my life worth living up to their expectations.

Shreds and Scenes

2011-04-02T23:21:00.002+08:00

Every year, I told myself to bring flowers instead. Those white ones I know where they are sold cheapest, down the street where florists sell in bulk. Be it roses, or daisies. Oh yes I should get those white daisies; their petals perfect for the bouquet, green stalks, leaves. It has always been a significant day to remember, yet I told myself everyday is a day to remember because what is eternal stays alive deep inside. And I said, flowers are good because they look pretty in a bouquet sitting quietly on the backseat of the car; with the morning sunshine illuminating droplets of water; be it dew or sprayed droplets, on the plastic sheet, the white petals,the green leaves.

I would have been alone talking; going along without any drawbacks, conversations maybe, and I presume I would be happy to be given the liberty and freedom of so. I would have allowed myself to explore my memory, to expand on things I barely remember, or things I never forget. Or I would have talked of all my problems, troubles, worries; even I know they will not invite any solution. Unilateral may be yielding no reply, but there is effort, and I know that in each inch of effort, is my sincerity and willingness that's what that matters. It had mattered to you of who am I, and I would want myself to live towards that presumption.

So I want to be alone and bring along that bouquet of daisies. They would have been dried and died the next time I come by, or most probably, someone will dump the fresh bouquet before I could even say goodbye.

Just A Quick One...

2011-03-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

Leaving this blog of mine derelict for almost a month is of a qualified reason; exams. Yes, the all-time-dread of exams are here, counting down 60 something days (or is it 50 something?). I'm scared to the max bearing in mind a few personal goals I sought to achieve and to believe. Being in juggler mode, of course, is tiring. Balancing work and studies at the same time has proven to be one mission consisting of many sacrifices, enorous effort and military discipline.

After starting to hate myself for being 10 times slackier than last year (yes, I'm honest), I'm now down with slight fever and a major fountain going on in my right nostril. And lecture hall EF which is usually stuffy feels inhumanly freezing today.

Bloody hell.

That's for all, a quick one before I head to bed.
And I'm reminded that I don't really need an iPad 2.

Love Is In The Air!

2011-02-13T22:46:00.002+08:00

I'll sing Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble for this Valentines.

For everyone who is celebrating, have fun but be safe!=D

Not Human

2011-02-12T00:06:00.001+08:00

After my students have left for the night, I was overwhelmed with fatigue; all I could think of, and what I want, is to yell as loud as I can. My schedule for the month was jam packed with classes and tuition sessions, everyday, not even sparing the weekends. Every night after class, the dizziness hits altogether with tantamount levels of stress. On one hand I'm worried about all my students who are taking PMR and SPM this year, on another I'm worried about my exams which are 3 months away. It's a struggle between both extremes, good grades, and good money.

I do feel bad when I had to reject most of the invitation my friends extended for leisure and entertainment. While others can enjoy the liberty of having fun and enjoying their life, I've to sacrifice the few remaining years of student life to secure an income. I envy my friends who have no worries about money, which their only primary duty is to study, whom their parents could afford to support them. I do question the inequalities, but I do also accept the ugly truth of unfairness of the world. I did not choose to be born poor. But I also know that I should be grateful for there are many others who do not even have the opportunity to work and study. When I'm blessed with both, I should carry them with the mentality of a fighter, and accept challenges as they will shape me into a better person.

Every time when I feel my eyes failing me, when I had to struggle to stay awake because I'm forced to study off working hours, I'm feeding myself the thought that all these difficulties which I go through, is only a temporary phase in life.

I must stand tall to withstand fatigue, slack and procrastination. I must stand strong and allow discipline to impose agony, for when there is pain, there will be motivation, there will be commitment. Pleasure will follow. I'll remind myself the promises I've made to myself, the world, my family, those who I care about present and future.

That because they should deserve better, and I will be the best I can be to ensure that they'll not encounter life as what I had did.

I'm determined that I'm the creator of my own fate and destiny. Circumstances would not hold me down, forces of hardship will not extinguish my energy.

I'm protecting my dreams by fighting for them. I'm in battleground every day, but I'm not afraid, and I know, victory is not as far and fictitious as the world paint it to be.

I'm ensured, and I believe, that success, will be mine one day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Family and Friends

2011-02-08T16:09:00.004+08:00

I honestly had never consumed so many poultry products in my life before, but this CNY had turned me into a half carnivore. 3 consecutive days of pork leg vinegar, duck meat, bakzham kai, two days of Bak Kut Teh in different locations, seafood, etc, etc. I told sis I want to be vegetarian for two months, she told me to go far far and play.

After coming back to KL, I took the remaining days of the break to splurge in the pool of reunion atmosphere. Spent some time with Rotaractors in Audrey's house for open house. Later on, shisha-ed with Amelia and Brandon. Family in KL had some major makan trip going on, ranging from seafood in Kuala Selangor to BKT in Klang. My aunt and uncle was back from Japan after two years hence the bit of trip around. Of course my all-time-favorite cousins are always lingering near, hence, the fun was plentiful. I almost choked blood after paying 25 bucks for one hour of badminton yesterday. Today, I woke up at 3pm and stared at the ceiling recalling everything and realising holidays are over.

And ou yeah, say hello to 93 days more to LLB exams!

The Trip Back

2011-02-05T01:20:00.004+08:00

The reunion taught me a lot of things, at least it made more or less of an impact on what I've used to think. It has been a long 8 years since we've celebrated CNY with my paternal grandparents and relatives. When I was young balik kampung trips used to be fun filled; with extensive map reading lessons and bottomless topics to talk an laugh about. Now, on the same front passenger seat, things are different. Different people drove the car; the car is different, the atmosphere was substantially different; the motionless stupor and strong silence. Nobody would have quoted this a good trip, unless, oh wells. Unless things are the same as ten years back.

The thing good about Pekan Nenas is the fact where things never changes. So when we were finding the way to the house it made our lives simpler. Another thing about the place is everyone seem like celebrating CNY like some big thing, because everyone in the village will blast fireworks at night. It's every house in the bloody village. And it's those full fledge nice colourful fireworks which is obviously illegal and expensive. And the stupid firecrackers made my car red after blasting shreds of paper debris which STUCK to my car. Not only that, we've saw lion dance, visited temples which are walking distance away. Of course I don't pray in temples but I'm just interested in the culture. In that village, everyone knows everyone, and everyone's daughters and sons and grandchildren.

Plus, my cousin have got a son who I've no idea at all. ZZZZzzZZZzz. I didn't even knew she got married, considering she's just 18. I've also got 4 year old twin cousins who I already forgot their names by now. Of all my cousins there, we don't even talk; the most being hi, bye, eat already? all these nonsense. How close I'm with my paternally related cousins? Oh wells.

After 3 days of extensive eating baazar and non stop booze, I'm back in KL. I'm so happy being back in KL because it's my home, but the journey back got me thinking.

No matter how much I'm drawn apart from them, my Dad's side relatives, are still family regardless. Indisputable fact, and bound not by choice, but by blessing. No matter how dramatic things had been during the past, no matter how mum thinks of them (she herself also super ego sial, kaacaucau there, ish), I've still got them as family. Although I've complained about the boring distance back to JB, the relatively isolated geography of the village, the lalabengs people there, the super kuno-ness ideology they have, I'm having no regrets of boarding this trip back to my hometown. After 8 years of CNY in KL, my 2011 CNY in Johor is one with lots of gluttony, gossips and one which I'll never forget.

Fuji Instax Mini trial shot, featuring yours truly, my siblings and my grandma.

Dose of Hope

2011-02-01T20:01:00.006+08:00

I'd probably be posting less about Rotaract and more about other stuff but since my weekends are thoroughly laden with Rotaract work, hence, there you go, another Project by the Rotaract Club of ATC: Dose of Hope.

All about AIDS awareness and fund raising, we spent one whole day under the sun in The Curve spreading the message. Living with AIDS is equivalent to living in stigma and discrimination. Most of us fail to realise the importance of giving hope, second chances, equal opportunities to AIDS victims because we are fortunate. Yes, prevention is one ambit we lay our focus on, but when there is contact with victims, society at large shun them aside and label them in order to discriminate.

We have got lots of performances and fun activities for crowd drawing purposes; you need a crowd to educate ma right, logic. We have even got AEISEC University Malaya to come join us in awareness raising. MAC gave us flyers. The Curve was kind enough to gave us a rebate on the name of charity. The lion dance was also on rebate price, so as the PA system. It's great to see that, society cares.

Of course, million thanks to the awesome crew who made everything possible.

Thanks Rotaract, for making me grow up.

In Your Head

2011-01-22T00:50:00.005+08:00

On many accounts, doubt often comes into play and I'd find myself on crossroads, to play safe or to make paradigm shifts. Often, I'll choose to mingle and test waters, but within the safe ambit of my comfort zone. Fear plays the most important role in limiting my actions; being that I'm worried of the if-not-s rather than to believe in the positive possibilities.

Anyhow, as I have made resolutions for the new year, I've decided to embrace some of the challenges thrown up front on my face. Bearing in mind the following:

And hence, I'm PE.

Sign For Your Life

2011-01-16T23:49:00.003+08:00

The preparation of Project Sign For Your Life (SFYL)was like a massive Karaken roller coaster ride. From high point enthusiastic discussion to no funds, from a four digit pump of cash to no participants, point was, everything was happening at the same time. On the morning of the event, I woke up late and Brandon was forced to have a conversation with my mum after yelling like a madman outside my house for half an hour.

In a nutshell, SFYL was a success, though there are obviously mistakes for us to learn and grow from. Of course, there is the awesome crew to thank and the mastermind Denise, as Organising Chair to be awed of. It was a massive project, and it ended well.

I was also reminded by CP Chiew Ee, that we do Projects because we want the society and members of the Club to benefit from it, not to fulfill criteria and win awards.

Weekends Wireless

2011-01-11T01:17:00.005+08:00

I shall pledge for discipline from today onwards. The fact where I used to wake up at 6.30am every day has became some long forgotten civilisation which needed a revival. Oh please remind me that my LLB Exams are like 125 days away and I'm still moping around either with extreme entertainment or moments of high tide emo. No good.

*

That aside, I attended DRC together with my Rotaract mates for three days in Hulu Langat. That place was so ulu that my phone line went dead for the period I was there and I only realised the missed calls and SMSes after leaving. Initially, I was quite unhappy because kiasu people like me view skipping classes as a cardinal sin. The idea of missing Wayne Morrison's existentialist class was like a uber WTF and missing Sunday classes added salt to the wound. I was cursing prior days to the event until somebody who I can't remember told me to shut up and remember my role as Secretary to the Club.

But the Conference proved me wrong that it was a waste of time. The talks are all interesting and inspiring, provided me with insights and enlightenment, (Okay it's weird to suggest, but I'm the kind of person who enjoy listening to talks). Initially I thought it would be some lame speaker but it turned out otherwise.

I enjoyed spending time with my fellow Rotaractors and talk crap with them. Getting closer to them as my friends is fun and pleasant. Moreover, it's an avenue to meet more new people and get to know new friends.

And proud to be from RAC ATC who once again, contributed the most number of participants to DRC=)

Prior departure.

*Disclaimer: All photos are stolen from Aaric Iskandar.

It was an experience of its kind, I'm glad I participated despite missing classes. But kiasuness never dies in Hui Ting, and hence I somehow manage to sprint to college right after DRC to attend Trust class. The point is at least, my conscience is fulfilled.

And shall I say, see you next year? =D

Emo

2011-01-07T00:59:00.002+08:00

I waited and waited and waited, nothing happened. Disappointed, I went to bed. Lying down for hours, tossing and turning under the sheets, unable to close my eyes. I feel like vomiting, feel not like eating, have no energy to jog during the evenings, feels like dying, feels like giving up, feels like everything has gone. I feel hurt, angry, envious, but at the same time, helpless and powerless.

I miss you.

Two-Oh-One-One

2011-01-02T13:06:00.003+08:00

Hui Ting wishes all a very happy 2011. Let's usher the new year with full blitz of awesomeness and fresh hopes!

I spent the last day of 2010 with college friends, going through a crazy bit of road drive and drama outside people's house, and finally, randomly ended up in a park drinking beer while looking at fireworks from a distance. 3.45am driving alone on the way back home, the aftermath of a tired mind forged an array of thoughts; resolutions for the new year and reflection for the old.

In short, terrible moments of hardship during 2010 made me anchor my actions and thoughts in life to a purpose I take accountability to my ambitions and aspirations. Although there are unbearable moments of difficulties, I thank God for giving me those challenges that produced a better result of me, better than I deserve, in fact. As for 2011, I would want a blast. With a challenging Pt 1 syllabus, increasing Rotaract responsibilities, additional number of tuition students; my life would require me twice the amount of effort, twice the amount of balancing skills, twice the amount of discipline, twice the amount of efficiency. Scary, but I'll make this my challenge for the year.

That humble opinion aside, I still materialistically, want those awards, the recognition, the applause and the stage.

Happy 2011 everybody!

Gentlemen

2010-12-27T23:26:00.000+08:00

They opened the door for me and held it everytime I pass through. They ensure I walk first in every circumstances.

They took drinks for me, refilled for me even when I did not ask.

Keep asking me whether the temperature was ok. When I said it was a bit cold, they immediately poured me hot drinks, without me asking to do so.

Kept me in the pool of conversation.

Insisted me to not carry things, even I assure it's totally fine.

Accompanied me to the station and watched me depart, even the place is totally counter direction.

SMSed to see whether I'm home.

I was throughly flattered. These guys, really made my day by being super nice, and making me feel special and protected all the while.

You don't have to be welded with thick cash, nor to be good looking. Just being gentleman, mesmerises hearts. And to you guys, a million thanks for the princess treatment for a day. Loves!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Little Goes A Long Way

2010-12-27T01:59:00.003+08:00

When sis went for her medical check-up abut half a year ago, she got herself vaccinated for HPV. I vaguely took into account of that incidence, only remembering mum being head over heels, trying to get me vaccinated. I remember, though not vividly, that I brushed off her advice and assured her: 'Where got so easy kena one?' I thought that, I was young, not sexually active, and very scared of needles. But it was the hindsight of that day.

Today, the Ministry of Health is pushing Malaysians to vaccinate themselves for HPV, and had provided vaccination for 13 year old school girls nationwide. My girl friends, are getting themselves jabbed and when we few get around together and talked about it, the need for prevention measures gradually flowed into my mind. What I thought half a year ago, may not represent the situation now, and especially with more and more life examples of perfectly healthy people going through health issues out of a sudden, one may ponder the thought of taking measures to protect oneself. So the cliche goes: Health is Wealth. Though after almost fainted when they told me it's like 1k to jab myself for HPV Vaccines, it's okay, because I want to get myself protected before anything else happens.

"Human papilloma viruses, HPV can cause cervical cancer in women. HPV can also cause other types of anogenital cancer, head and neck cancers, and genital warts, in both men and women. HPV are estimated to cause about half a million cases of cervical cancer every year, and are the leading cause of death from cancer for women in the developing world."

Cervical cancer weih, be scared ok?

"For this reason the vaccine is recommended primarily for those women who have not yet been exposed to HPV during sex.Women should continue to seek cervical screening, such as Pap smear testing, even after receiving the vaccine. Cervical cancer screening recommendations have not changed for females who receive HPV vaccine. Without continued screening, the number of cervical cancers preventable by vaccination alone is less than the number of cervical cancers prevented by regular screening alone."

It's always better to be safe than sorry, and you may not know what will happen tomorrow. Love your body, get yourself vaccinated for HPV, ladies. Though I have no idea how I came up with such a community message-like post which is so intellectual muahahaha, but yeah, the message still stands.

Christmas

2010-12-25T01:32:00.000+08:00

On Christmas eve, I fell sick. I had diarrhea and vomited twice on the bathroom floor after I abruptly woke from my sleep during midnight, and I literally camped the toilet for a few hours. Seriously dehydrated and lacking rest, I had fever. My head and body ached all over and the slightest movement caused so much pain I have to strand myself on the bed. I slept for six hours in the empty house, didn't even bother to switch on the lights when night falls, didn't even eat a single thing for the whole day. It was Christmas eve, the whole family was out. I was depressed, angry, alone and in agony. I felt I was treated unfairly, and I was all alone when I needed support and care the most. Fury and anger overwhelmed me eventually.

But stop, and I thought for a second. I closed my already tired eyes and prayed. It is Christmas, and as it goes, remember the reason for the season...

When the time struck 12, I was glad that there were messages either to return me wishes and greetings, or for comfort. I was laughing when rolled inside my sheets, holding my phone, checking messages on Facebook and SMSes. The next day, Christmas, I felt better after a few painkillers for the head, and I was fine by noon. We had family dinner together and I was happy that my prayers were answered and I had a good time with my family.

Christmas, is about faith, the Saviour who died for all our sins. I thank God for everything He has ever blessed me, and the prayers in my life which He answers. Miracles happens, and I'll continue to live my His image and be awed with the wonders He creates in my life. =)

The Memory Palace

2010-12-21T01:06:00.002+08:00

1. I'm grateful for the perfect childhood I had, although the teenagehood that follows was horrible and devastating. In the end, those small hours and those lttle wonders, remains.

2. I'm protecting my memory of you that even everything fades away in time, I always will be in love with your memory in me. There will be no other who can replace, nor do I foresee anyone else who I'll meet, be like you.

3. I should think that if you're here, I'd be a different person than who I am today. At least I would have a resevior in me so deep that sometimes I surpress my depression in order to block away those fear I'm dreading to resurface. At least I wouldn't have so many episodes of deprssion where I resort to clinical alternatives to supress them.

4. And at least, I thought I'd have a family to start with in everything I experience; good and tough moments in life.

5. The departure, should I say, is the impact you made which affects the very foundations of my life, even until now. It's so substantial to me that in everything I do, I would flash my thoughts to visualise your presence; what would you say, what would you feel, what you would do... Everything I do thereafter looks so artificial because it's the hollowness I felt in my acheivements; there is always a missing space no one can ever fulfill. The hardship and stress which happens in my teenage life afterwards, the fear I've gone through for most of the time, you have no idea how pathetic it is to go through years like that, but that's the impact it made. It's just that moment of loss, but it's life changing.

'Would you like to remember everything?' Mr. Jakov said.
'Yes'
'To remember is not always a blessing.'
'I would like to remember everything.'
'Then you would need to have a mind palace, to store things in. A palace in your mind.'
'Does it have to be a palace?'
'It would grow to be enormous like a palace,' Mr. Jakov said. 'So it might as well be beautiful.What is the most beautiful room you know, a place you know very well?'
'My mother's room,' Hannibal said.
'Then that's where we will begin,' Mr. Jakov said.

That Spur Moment

2010-12-17T23:08:00.008+08:00

It hit pit bottom that day. I was thoroughly fed up and angry, and emotions just overwhelmed me. I had never cried so badly for a long time. I muffled my sobs with my pillow and covered my head with my blanket, screaming; tears soaking the sheets. I remember lots of dreams resurfacing after I drifted into a restless sleep. Waking up in the morning, I was exhausted for the day and even extra dose of coffee did not help ease the fatigue. The day was unproductive even I mustered my strength trying to concentrate and set aside unpleasant thoughts.

In short, I'm trying to live life by my own expectations.

I'll prove to you I'd live like a desert, if there'd be no rain. And I'd grow thorns around my body, like a cactus, when rain should not shower.

A Tasty Blend of Friendship

2010-12-16T19:21:00.004+08:00

After Wednesday's class, the Rotaractors went to Tasty Pot Sunway for a round of food fiesta and fellowship. After bearing the Federal highway jam and Lekha's car got banged and all, we reached there with our stomaches growling mad. They gave us an enormous table with three stoves bubbling with 6 types of soup base. Admittedly, it was quite a while I had so much seafood in one day, and it was just, awesome.

Soo Wen who just became president of SRC began to grant wishes to all of us after listening to complains ranging from too strict attire rules to clogged toilets. Later, Erna got cake dunked so badly she had cream in her nose. Joke of the day was the act of putting a barbequed crab into the boiling soup. Never laughed so madly for a very long time. It was splendid food, even betetr fellowship.

Okay some pics are stolen, which explains much of the inconsistency in colour in the pictures.

I miss my friends so much and that I know that I'd not see them again after the end of Christmas holidays. But never mind, and also, after this, I promise myself to lessen my play and focus more on studies.

AWESOME!

Convocation and Awards Ceremony

2010-12-11T14:16:00.005+08:00

I've been sleepless for the past nights thinking of Convocation and what I'm gonna wear. Nope, it's not my Convocation, but I attended in the capacity of an award achiever. 2000 bucks for outstanding Intermediate results. I'm happy, proud of myself and most importantly, motivated to ahieve greater heights next year.

Mum wasn't able to make it so I thought never mind, but manatau she drove off the only car in the house, and I was left speechless, worrying about transport. Yes, in the nic of time worrying not about my hair or shoes but my mode of transport. Brilliant. Next, it was the fact being stuck at KTM worrying about whether the train will arrive late or not. Later, when I arrive at KLCC, it was worrying about the fact whether I'll slip on stage or not. Yes, I was anxious for no reason. Everytime something big hits, I'm always nervous.

That aside, I saw my friends there, some came to receive awards, some graduated, congrats. Some came to perform. Rotaractors came to sell flowers by convention. Some came to volunteer. But all, I'm sure haboured the similar mindset, which is by witnessing glorious moments of recognition of such, we will get motivated, inspired and encouraged to inject effort in whatever we're doing now so that next year, we can similarly, go up stage with heads held high, listening to the thunderous applause from the audiences. At least when I received my award from Prof. Wayne Morrission, I felt so. I felt the overwhelming emotion, the surge of motivation, amidst the mixture of emotions, the settled fact si that I want it to happen, and I want more.

I felt happy because it was a proof to myself that I have did my duty as a student, and I performed it well. I wished my family was there to share. As a conclusion, it was one of the happiest moments in my life.

Above all, I thank God for His grace and everlasting love, for repeatedly blessing me with wonders, and forgiving me for the bad I've done. My family, for the support by any means. My friends, for actively (or passively XD) encouraging me. Tutors, for all the knowledge and guidance. Last but not least, Rotaractors, for the flowers (although you guys made a great deal of noise when giving the bouquet to me, but nontherless, you all gave, with a few stalks pluck out. Hehe.), and for giving me the support of attending the ceremony, ancilary to the purpose of selling flowers.

To the greatest bunch of people in the world, thank you.

Morning Motivation

2010-12-09T12:00:00.002+08:00

Students in Harvard Library at 4am.

'It's a system of mediocracy here. Everyone else are idiots, the system moulded you to become the same. It's the sytem over there which forces you to become intelligent, and you will be intelligent like the others. They reject and resent the kind of mediocracy we have over here. It's a record standing too long to be broken. I'm saying that it can be broken, it is possible. Nobody guarantees that it'll be easy, but it's possible.'

Diverged

2010-12-07T17:09:00.002+08:00

I realised it's finally time for me to focus. December is here and ain't funny. I'd be howling if my name isn't on the list next year, but again, it's a goal, not to speculate anything. I really really want to pull through Part One, and I want to score better than my Intermediate.

But I found myself slumping, being pulled back by other distractions. Today is a public holiday and God knows why I'm not doing anything but sleeping. ISH! God please don't punish me. I'm so gonna buckle up!

I want to be hardworking!

The Little Things That Makes Life Great

2010-12-05T21:07:00.004+08:00

Very recently, I bought myself a tumbler to fill coffee to bring to college. Sipping coffee on the way to class, the warmth of the liquid which you can feel trickling to the inside, the breeze of the 8am morning air. It's perfection, a luxury, a simple one. Instead of gargling down large amounts of cheap coffee at home when I'm in a rush, I now have the bliss of enjoying my morning beverage amidst the daily hustle of life.

Oh by the way, the tall one is bird's tumbler. Mine is the Christmas Edition's, which I likey=)

It's one dose of energy for the day stored in a tumbler. One dose of daily supplement of simple happiness. One quick sip of bliss, one moment to kick start my day. When I arrive at class smiling and prepared, much of it, is owed to the drink which gave me my day. I love my mornings, and to you coffee, I call you love.

Little things in life, I took notice. You're just awesome.

Too Many Eggs in The Basket

2010-11-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

These days, the house is in a state of mess. Piles of furniture and books piled up 70% of the free space in the house, cluttered up each available corner and took up all walking spaces. Every evening when I reach home, I'll just pretend the mess doesn't exist and disappear into my room. Mum's kindergarten business has officially closed and all the entire content of the school in now in my house. The house is in a mess, we are all messed up with the tidying up, and prospect of life afterwards.

It was then Mum accussed me of being distant and selfish. A whole row of argument followed afterwards. It wasn't that simple. Suddenly everyone in the family began to accuse me of being a baigalui, the prodigal daughter. Mum told me to leave the house, aunt and grandma started to scold me, and sided mum. I felt utterly upset and angry. I was just doing what I am supposed to do. As far as I am concerned, I am supposed to study and make my future bright. However according to everyone else, I am suppose to pay more attention to my family, and with the life I am leading now, I am apparently not giving them enough care and love.

Now I'm confused. I thought by giving in all I can acheive more. I did more than I could. I scored in my exams. I worked to support myself. I engage myself in social activities like what you encouraged. I did more than what I can. I wanted to make you proud. But you were dissapointed in me instead. I'm discouraged, on top of that, I'm unhappy. I'm not enjoying my life as how you think. I'm under constant stress and I do not disclose some of my unhealthy habits of getting away because I don't want you to worry. Accordingly you assume I'm living too comfortably. I'm not. I'm tired and I'm stressed out. I have no students in December and I may need to resort to skipping meals again to save money. I have problems in college which you always fail to take interest in. On top of that I have a dream to pursue which is constantly struck down by disapproval and discouragement of others. I'm tough enough not to show it on the outside, but nobody knows how it hurts on the inside. Every word where you deem me incapable, is heartbreaking enough to leave me emotional. I'm expecting you to uphold my dreams together with me and providing me with support and encouragement, but you did the very contrary, telling me I can't be successful, I can't earn more, I can't be happy. It's okay, everytime I just swallow the hurt and move on with life.

I can understand your stress and demands, but most of the time, I am preoccupied with my own. A lot of things work if we could exercise some give and take, and to understand better. We could talk. I'm always very afraid to talk to you and you know why. I don't like those wrods of insult and discouragement. Perhaps, next time when I come back from college, ask me instead, how was my day? Not ask me to help you out with your problems and bombard me with all your naggings. Do not focus on things that I cannot do or fail to do but instead, focus on things which I have did and acknowledge them. We have a maid in the house, hence, don't always instruct us to do things. It is not the way to bind the family together, it will only crack things apart. There are so many ways to be happy together without the scrifice of effort and hard work. Can we be normal? Can we be like other people? Can we be a family? Can I not dread the end of everyday where I need to go home? We already have so much, can we just give a little more to make everything better?

It's already 10 years, 10 fucking years. Do not go back everytime problems arise. It was never the source of each problem we have. What is gone has gone and it may change us, but it does not destine who we can be. Everyone in the family is affected by the loss, yes we all are, in our own ways, but we cope with it and we move on. And since it's 10 years, just stop mentioning it. I get very angry each time you mention it because it is not a convenient label for anyone to attach everything to it. We get scholarship because we have good results, not because we have no father. Smilarly, it's not because of dad leaving that makes life difficult. It is you yourself who cannot detach yourself who make your life hard, and makes it even hard for us to tolerate your behaviour. And yes, I cannot make life easier for you when you do not make life easier for yourself. I am not Dad, stop telling me to take up his responsibilities. I cannot do too many things in a time.

It has been 10 years I'm tolerating all these shit. Events and events of unhappy moments. Moments after moments of intense fear and worry. It just clogs up hope and happiness which I deserve, that I lost so much of my teenagehood living in fear of reprimands and insults, and dreaming of the day of financial independency. Like how many times my books get thrown across the room, rehearsing how to ask allowance from you. It has been long, and it had to stop before I get tired of all these nonsense and decide to do something stupid.

Who am I today is a product of the accumulated past. They say it's a lack of love. I have to concede with regards to the point.

Envelope

2010-11-17T00:24:00.002+08:00

It was so close, that she could see the particles of dust upon the glass window panes. Outside, the street lights glowed orange. She felt the darkness creeping nearer by distance; the darkness of solitude she was so familiar with. The silence which works, walking in tandem added insult to injury. People were from far, she closed her eyes trying to recognise the voice she knew by heart in the midst of whispers. But nowhere could assurance be found. Nothing came.

She knew how agony cures another; it is all feelings in the end. Since the start. Allow the flesh receive similar as the heart could bear, she would want to do, and with vengeance so sweet. Stealing is a crime, that when your heart could no longer throb in your body because it has been stolen.

It was the sound she had been yearning to hear, regardless the words. Substance has been long disregarded, the aftermath had took place by default. Everyone should know, but she knew better. She was enveloped with immense pleasure when she saw the blade penetrated the mass of soft meat, the splatter of blood which rained on her face, crimson. It was a toast of a celebration. Like how everything works, it is the death of one, with the birth of another. The person she knew well died that day when the heart was stolen away; the birth of another is one creature without a heart.

She has got the courtesy to change the sheets and clean the floor. As water washes away the blood, she realises she has a larger burden to dispose of now.

Emo

2010-11-09T01:25:00.001+08:00

Balance

2010-11-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

I have deleted so many entries yet the frustration still lingers. As much as I want to express myself freely in my own damn blog, I also know the certain level of privacy that I must have in order to protect myself. So it's a choice between venting out the temporary anger I harbour or to shut up and make everybody's lives easier.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

In short, I feel so lonely here.

Sex Appeal

2010-11-03T23:32:00.004+08:00

Maroon Five has got it all. Everything to make music worth listening. I love them, and I love the music more. Most importantly, I love it when the music makes me high.

For one hell of an orgasmic music ride, try Give A Little More. Thanks Darryl. =)

Accident!

2010-11-02T23:39:00.003+08:00

Saturday morning was as usual, the usual kid I teach, and coming back home for brunch before sending bro to tuition. After dropping him, I was at diverging thoughts of whether to take the usual way-using Jln Kuching to college, or to use another alternative, which is to take LDP. My instincts told me to follow the unsolicited, usual route; and clearly, the jam on the opposite direction shows the positive. However, the adamant side of my head told me to make a U-turn and hence I found myself driving along LDP, using another way to college. I felt the ping of guilt deep down, but I ignored, focusing my mind on getting to my destination.

Shortly after I realised the practical reality posed itself evident. I was unfamiliar with the route and I was constantly referring to my phone for directions. On several occassionas, I was not focusing much on the road and I swerved quite some times to sharply take bypassed junctions. Deep down, I know something is not right. And it was when I was stuck in a bumper to bumper move along Sprint flyover in front of Tropicana City Mall, I realised that I was moving too fast into the stationary car in front of me, and when I slammed on the brakes, I cannot manage myself to stop in time. I banged the front car, which as a result of the impact, banged the car in front as well.

I was of course, overwhelmed by extreme shock and being unable to control my fear, I cried. When my aunt and friends came to help, I cried again. Upon listening to the price quotation for the damaged caused, which was jibainiama 5K, I cried again. I think the people whom their cars were banged by me was pretty scared by me crying non stop so they did not really talk to me, but insurance covered up the cost pretty much. My car is okay and working, unlike the two which I hit. Besides kena-ing saman, I pretty do not have much to settle. Of course, the domestic violence of getting shot left right centre front back by mum was inevitable. And I'm banned from driving. The accident gave me a one hell of a lifetime lesson to learn, but also gave me the experience of the first time engaging in an accident and handling all the consequences myself.

I thank God that I'm fine and the car is working, still. I also thank God for aunt who came and helped me settle the issues, Dan and Erna who accompanied me to report and talked me through. All friends who called to care. I'm truly blessed. Thanks a lot people, loves. No regrets for that one whole day.

Left Them There To Die

2010-10-29T22:15:00.003+08:00

I jogged for one hour this evening. I did the same yesterday. Partly because I'm only free for these two days, no classes, no students, no whatsoever. Partly because I'm lonely and I run to spare time and try hard not to think too much when solitude hits.

Still. Hey, where art thou?

=(

The Night I Couldn't Sleep

2010-10-21T22:52:00.003+08:00

My heart is burning and I just want to say :

1. If you're married, stay fucking away from my friend because she's a girl and you don't play with her feelings and tear her future apart. Have some integrity, would you?

2. If you have a great heart, you will forgive me, and you will not judge me based on what I've done.

3. If I can balance my life, so much so that I can study, produce good results, work and financially support myself; you be proud of having me as a daughter, instead of wanting more and more from me. Don't stop me from being young and burden me with your conservative principles in life. I know they're meant well, but I'm just not that type of person who can sit still. I want to enjoy life and play as much as I can. And why you worry? You think every parent can attend convocation during their kid's first year in college ka?

4. If you are still a friend, please show me who you are to me.

* Disclaimer: All the 'you-s' as above do not refer to a single person. Multiple defendants here XD

*

On a lighter tone, RAC ATC just held their 3rd Installation Charity Dinner last Saturday. Since coming into office for three months, I've been privilleged to hold responsibility of tasks which I never knew could handle, and in due process, made me a better person, and widened my horizons. The experience is priceless, and though in sacrifice, I've got no regrets=) *Macam president's speech pulak. That Saturday afternoon, 16 of us crashed into my house which is mini sized and occupied the entire living room. I think my maid is still in shock because she had never seen so many noisy people in her life. The highlight of the day is receiving so many incoming calls for directions to Sri Damansara Club until I feel like scolding people. Anyway, it was all over and finally, cliche to say: back to books again=)

Proud to be a part of an awesome crew!

15 Minutes of Love

2010-10-16T00:54:00.002+08:00

My neighbourhood stores my life memories. Much of them during vivid times of childhood, those I would never forget in devoid of photos. Living here for 17 years had brought me much to love the place I habitate, for the most important times in my life.

I walk home from the train station, where the sky would be a blend of violet and orange in the horizon, prelude of twilight. It's a small place, quiet and secluded enough from the bustling MRR2 beside, the crazy peak hour traffic. The canopy of trees is shady enough; upon arriving the playground where teenage boys play basketball, their shouts audible from a block away. When I was half their age, the basketball court was the place where a field of grass grows. My neighbours and I ran around, picking up twigs and leaves and digging the ground for insects and worms. Often we roll on the ground and lie across the grass, catching sunrays with our little fingers, squinting as they blind our eyes. When I was five and six, my every evening was carefree and the time for me to be a kid; to fall badly until my knees are covered with blood, to fight with other kids, to envy other kids with pets. Unlike now, where my evenings are filled with bland but important schedules of classes, classes and classes.

When I was six, Mum and Dad wanted to grow a hedge. I was excited, I remembered; following my parents to nurseries to pick the correct breed of plants, selecting soil, helping out with my plastic toy gardening tools under the sun. I often asked how long does it take to let the hedge grow my height, becoming less and less patient when the plants just would not grow taller though I water them every day. Five years later, we moved away for one year after Dad died, and nobody bothered about the hedge. Grief took over and the family was in a mess, and home was not home just, in any sense. Today, 9 years after we moved back, the hedge is as the same height as I am.

It's the same porch, as the one Dad and I shared most of the nights, stargazing. He was obsessed in space, and nurtured me the idea, explaining the Orion to be by practical stargazing, stories about the Big Bang, the galaxy and all. He bought me books, promised me a telescope, which my favorite book about stargazing and space, I still have it with me this very day. I admit being unable to share the passion, simply being lacking of such interest, but I enjoy and cherish every moment of us together; me sitting on top of the car and Dad pointing to the skies. Waking up in 3 in the morning to catch some riddiculous meteor shower, numbing ourselves in the night watching moon eclipse which went in slow motion which took hours. In 2001 NASA launched the Mars Lander along with Orbiter and Ranger to explore Mars' Highlands, he made sure our names were submitted to the database for a CD to be mounted on Mars along with Mars Lander. Those days, no one had internet access and he used that one in his office for the purpose. I never told him having the devoid in passion for space science. When we shifted house, I came across a ring file with lots of articles in it, all about space and stargazing. When I read through the details, it was one full stack of articles form the internet, all from NASA kids. All about learning spcae from the kids perspective. That was when I could not contain myself; I just burst into silent tears.

I live in the city for most of my life; and I love the place here, everything I had set my footprint on leaves happiness and memories; nobody could take them away. In those nights I dream about people I miss, the voices of those who I already forget; it's so real and vivid I hope I could sleep forever to revive the distance. But I always wake up to another day of routine life which forces me to set these things aside. But in that 15 minutes of walk from the train station back to my house, when my ears are stuff with music from my iPod, I am set free. To allow the subconscious to revisit the avenues where I miss the most, where the fondest of memories inhibit, where those who I miss and I love the most.

Fifth October Two O One O, Twenty One Years

2010-10-05T20:38:00.003+08:00

I thank you, my parents, for bringing me into this life. Mum, for raising me up and being by my side for each and every 21 birthdays. My siblings, for growing up with me and sharing life together.
Twins, BFFs, for the guitar clip all the way from Paris. I am touched by the effort of practicing, recording, compiling and sending it over. Not to mention you're only 2 week new to the course.
Chris, ZQ, Kang Zhi, Amirah, Fern. Thanks for the wishes and being my trusted friends since high school. I miss you guys.
Liz, my buddy since 6 years old. From the days of colouring our nails with colour pencils till now: the days we talked over the phone about guys, love, people....everything. Loves.
My high school and Form 6 friends,sending all whishes from different states. Thank you and I miss you guys. Let's gather soon.
My college friends who celebrated the day for me. I'm grateful. Von, Sue Ann: PCG rawksz! Audrey, Soo Wen, thanks for being the best advisers. Bird: thanks for being the birdXD. JJ, Martin, Carrie, KJ, Jun Hon, my bro=) Thank you. For those who wished me, Li Ching, Chai, Corene, Daniel, Matt, thanks and loves.
For those who had wished me expressly, via phone calls, SMSes, Facebook and verbally, whatsoever. Thank you. Especially Pastor, who gave me a shocking surprise.
For those gifts, I love them very much. Special thanks, Daphne, Julius.

Above all, I thank God for blessing me with 21 years of life; a life with moments of great happiness and greater challenges to grow. For everything He had provided me, I truly thank His blessings and pray for continuing days of growing myself in His image.

As if now, I feel like this.

Each candle for each wish. Lotsa love.

5 Days to Go

2010-09-30T21:41:00.003+08:00

21 wishes for my 21st

1. A car, so that I won't have to waste time travelling by train to class.
2. A Macbook, in which should be given to reward my Inter results.
3. 280 marks and above for Part One, in which I will work hard for.
4. Criminology textbooks, which come in sparse in college library.
5. My exisitng Astro subscription to include movies, for fun.
6. Bobbi Brown colour palette.
7. DKNY Delicious, ever since 2006.
8. An easel, and the liberty to pursue my hobby to paint during my free time, which come in limitation nowadays.
9.Improve in terms of relationship with mum, to achieve things in life which would make her proud.
10.More time to spend with my siblings, where my busy schedule had neglected time spent with them.
11.To love my family more, especially grandma, who always wanted to teach me how to cook but I don't have time to learn.
12.Continuing support from all my high school friends, whom I greatly miss.
13.To have a long lasting friendship with Yoong Sin and Yoong Ling, my best friends in the whole world.
14. Continuing support and advice from my college friends, especially Soo Wen, who always motivate me; Sue Ann and Von, my study partners.
15. Well balanced skills in time management and prioritising, so that I can carry out Rotaract duties with competency without the compromise of studies.
16. To know more people and make new friends.
17. A getaway to an island alone.
18. To obtain the UK experience during my life as a law student.
19. The ability to dream and believe in myself, my abilities and potential, to ignore those who doubt me with their limited knowledge and beliefs.
20. To be healthy.
21. To grow closer to God, to cherish and be contented with His blessings, that by Him, I am one special person who He plan great things for me, that I can achieve the life I want and be happy for my life when I continue to grow by His image.

See, I'm a very humble person with minimal material needs one ok? WAKAKA. But this list is not exhaustive la, and if you feel that you can make me happy by fulfilling my wish, come on and select your number. I'm joking la ppl, but still, I'm legally 21yohoo!

Random Random

2010-09-24T21:44:00.002+08:00

I don't recall how the week started, but I remebered it was when Ms. Sharon told me to end my party life after Wednesday's Land tutorials. I am really intending to reduce, by all, most means of entertainment if possible and human. Of course I will still continue to Facebook daily and I have no intentions of abandoning my blog, which has started to grow some of its underlying roots in me. I will CSI my way crazy if appropriate, and of course, I have my Rotaract commitments to adhere to. Therefore, it will be near impossible to end all, to the extent of revisions lat year. But it is possible under coercion, which doesn't anyhow happen now. Therefore the skiving and spacing out once in a while. Nah, no worries, I'm not those dreamer who sleep for decades in stark failure. I cried when I got a B in Common Law, that kiasu.

I had a slight migraine this afternoon in which I blame McD's coffee. Installation Night is soon and I miss shopping so much, that I'll be soon showering money on clothes and shoes for the dinner. But good news is many of my friends are positive of me receiving the rebate for top 10 students that I won't believe until I see physical evidence. If so, I will be splurging that amount on something gadget-y: Macbook or iPad, whichever comes to me by instinct.

So when I took Criminology as an elective this year, I took it based on pure interest, and I always believe that if one has the inherent interest in something, one will do well because one will be motivated by his discourse of questioning oneself, discovering the unknown and questioning the non-beliefs. People often talk about relevance, scores statistics, annual graphs on passing rates. Then the question of achieveing what's practical and realistic comes into picture. I don't care about all these, as I believe so in myself. To be accountable to my principles. It's not because many seniors who I've know who obtain As which motivated me to take, nor whereby I want to be a criminal lawyer. Not so whatever. I don't even understand why I'm doing so, so mouthed easily by words, but it's true. The reality of the working life later in which everyone aims at when going there, doing what, earning how much, doesn't appeal to me at all. If given me the chance, I would have studied my whole life, motivated by my basic hunger for knowledge and the thirst for infinite sources. It's ideal virtually, but realistically, one have to perhaps allow patience to harbour long enough. I have no idea what the future awaits me, but the most I can do now, is to practice what I'm obliged to, which is to be a student, in which I carry out my responsibilities properly and whole-heartedly, in order to be the best of me.

Thus ends my very very random self-containing post, my apologies yea, if one regard it as an eyesore. Your problem though=P Nights.

Dreamer in Me

2010-09-17T01:21:00.005+08:00

Terrified repeatedly played in my head these days. The lyrics aptly described yours truly some time ago. The reminiscent. The memories.

When you're grounded, you have all the time and liberty to think of all these nonsense. An idle mind is the devils workshop. Me no likey. That's why me need to run here and lepak there to get rid of these nasty thoughts in my mind. Makes me a better, stronger, more principled and able person.

I thank God classes are resuming soon. No time for biased attention. Only books and studies to make the valedictorian in me. Yeah, the nerd mode should be on in no time.

Only a fool wear his heart on his sleeve. Never, Hui Ting, never ever let your heart wander to the infinite trap of emotions. Never.

The end.

Breakaway

2010-09-15T15:08:00.002+08:00

Things happened made me ponder. I realise how much I miss everything. I pretended I didn't care, I lied that I'm over it. No matter how much I hide, I still think about it every night.

But I also realise how much things had changed. Needless to keep in touch to know. Things can never go back the way it does. But if given me another chance, I will make it correct this time. But I also know how sparse and minute the chance is, an impossibility.

For now, I pray to forget, to be given another chance. Either or. You have no idea how much I miss those days.

Till The End of Time

2010-09-14T20:48:00.005+08:00

A few series of ridiculous issues happened a stringful, consecutively and exaggeratedly; of course I was beyond pissed off, but I kept my cool and pretended. Firstly, I was accused being a smoker, alcoholic, clubber and frequently playing truant. I was like WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS? I have results that people dream to get and I admit I'm no smartass, I get my results by pure effort and continous hard work and that, failed to be noticed? Second thing, I was being police investigation like checked which includes calling my close friends which was like DOUBLE FUCK. Third is I was being stripped off my freedom of going out and can be said, grounded for eternity. I cannot attend my friend's birthday celebration which I felt sorry for. Another more contentious issue I felt sorry for is not being given the chance of vis-a-vis clarifying the entire issue of asking my friends to cover up for me. Most importantly, I am forced to turn down the invitation the very last minute, aka flying thier aeroplane. The fark.

*

Saturday afternoon, attended Darryl's 21st in Parkroyal. Party did not end there but was carried forward in Green Box and Zouk later on. Food and fellowship was great.

Disclaimer: pics are stolen, thank you.

And I'll miss you guys like crazy, and love you forever.
I only say it cause I mean it,
I only mean it cause it's true.

The Aftermath

2010-09-12T19:40:00.002+08:00

This I want to tell you: You may be academically excellent, but it is unprofessional of you to comment in a way that degrades others' way of life. One man's meat is another's poison. So, I suggest you before making any public comments in the papers, take a walk in other peoples' shoes because you have absoultely no idea why people do things the way, just not the way you do yours.

*

I'm not a clubber, but I enjoy occasional clubbing cause it just brings out the other fun side of people. And, yesterday night was the bomb at Zouk with my form 6 peeps whom I know them as very very decent and prinicpled people. Of course, when I arrived home at 5am I was punished and grounded for eternity. And also, of course, mum exaggerated the entire issue but conservative rules in my family, oh yea. I think I may not be able to go out at night for a very long time.

Oh wells, Darryl's 21st party and photos yet to come.

Secret Mission

2010-09-10T22:53:00.001+08:00

I'd say, I awesome-ly LOVED the talk about the form six bilboard championship. Though mentally exhausted and physically worn, I just feel proud and overwhelmed with satisfaction and success, something I had never felt after the form six bilboard championship.

Let's hope he doesn't see this =P

考试教我的事

2010-09-05T23:22:00.002+08:00

考试教我的事
教会了我，一个人可以很有本事
很有大志
要发奋图强，将来当个好律师
脚踏实地是关键钥匙
读书要趁早，不能错过年少当时
对人要坦诚，但也要有防范措施
知识可以一起分享，不过要看人就事论事
说话有信心是件好事
但瞧不起你的人，多的是
如果准备接纳成就，就当他们多管闲事
千万不能让别人的眼光，当作自己的见识
当别人说你的梦想只是童话故事
当你最需要的人，不在你身旁支持
记住，把牙根咬紧，死了也要坚持
放弃梦想，是蠢人做的事
失败是人生的必经之路，要把它当白饭那样吃
跌倒一次，不代表堕落整世
别忘了成功人士，是从否认中重新开始
谦虚低调，是做好人的一种方式
赞美要当暂时的甜头吃，不能让骄傲在心中繁殖
所谓忠言逆耳，难听的劝解得让自己反省有什么过失
考试教我的事
不只是书本上的白纸黑字
那些我学会的事，多的还是

United We Stand

2010-08-27T01:45:00.003+08:00

In celebrating our nation's 53rd Independence Day, I'm writing this in dedication of love and peace. A series of unhappy events had taken place, alerting media attention and of course, fellow Malaysians who began to ponder on issues of racism and the meaning of unity. I have been following much of what people opine on Facebook, and thus, here I draw mine.

I grew up having close friends who consists of different races, being given the oppurtunity of studying in government high schools; a melting pot of a variety of cultures; the basic starting point. I am comfortable and happy with the way things work. We were innocent, and politics does not really seem much a bother. Race-blind was a term so easy to say and so strong a promise to be kept. When I started reading law, I started to be more concerned about socio-political events, and began to shoulder what obliged Malaysians do, to know and to comment on the nation's affairs. As I read and get to know, I began to understand why some people often get upset. Why issues on race is so sensitive. Why categorising Malaysians into races is practised.

At home, often than not, I listen to how my family grumbled about the country, and essentially, racist comments were not spared. My siblings, both schooled in independent high schools, have only friends and circle of acquaintances limited to one race. My mother and other relatives, being very traditional and down to earth Chinese, take stronghold of principles and philosophy. Not to say anything, but I believe it is the lack of exposure that makes them delude in their one typography mindset. When slight unfairness strikes, they would regard the other entire race as having that problem altogether. Or, they would boast boldly about what Chinese can do and achieve, and what the nation would be if not for us, Chinese. Often I kept quiet and let them blabber in self gratification, as once, I had voiced out my opposing views and got condemned harshly being a disgrace and traitor of my own people.

One fair example was when my sister failed to obtain JPA luar negeri, being she merely received the offer for JPA locally. My mother went on lengths in saying how unfair this was, and how my sister would do if she had equal results but of a different race. This, I still regard as fine, but when they went on saying other non-Chinese being not doing well as Chinese do, my opinion, I strongly beg to differ. Like how they say Chinese are generally excellent in Maths, I dare to say I am not any close to average in Maths. Not all bumiputeras are thoroughly lousy and require the Government's help all the time. There are equally competent non-Chinese out there, equally excellent people who can utilise taxpayers money and return to develop the country as well. My question, why generalise? Is it something we were trained to do? It is definitely not born within our genes. Why not excersie some understanding and get the point from a larger picture? Why not take the more difficult and courageous point of view, which is to acknowledge that it is not limited for one race to do one thing, but it is the person who makes the difference. The point is, experience may lead us in believing that generalisation of one race due to an individual is normal. It is not, and it corrupts. When an individual does good or bad, is the person with the attitude, not the race with the infection.

Since we are living altogether there should be no point asking anyone of us to leave. Together we develop the country, anyone less would make today impossible. Malaysia is our home, and each of us that loves the country, deserves to stay here and continue to prosper from it. Respecting each other and exercising tolerance is the lubricant that keeps the engine of peace and unity running. I am a Malysian who was born in this land, living in this land, and will die in this land, and enough said, I love Malaysia. Happy Merderka.

PS: Was super hefty not to cross the line being sensitive. Racism, a topic that invites ISA. Shhhh....

You

2010-08-26T01:13:00.000+08:00

I really do.

Results Night

2010-08-24T02:40:00.002+08:00

I was lying on the sofa, remote control in one hand and apple in another, watching Miami Ink lazily when JJ called. That macha practically screamed in my ear:

'RESULTS IS OUT ALREADY!'

I literally sprung out from lazy mode and started hitting the keyboard furiously. I was in cold sweat, and was shaking non stop due to the tension. Audrey called and we both screamed like hell.

Oh my God, I can't belive results was out! After 3 months of waiting, finally.

The stupid server crashed due to the congregation of users checking the results at the same time. After repeated motions of refreshing the same page and lots of cursing, finally, the result screen popped out.

I was so scared, I turned off the monitor and ran to the kitchen to call Yoong Ling. We talked for few minutes and she adviced me to eat some ice cream beofre checking.

So, there was it, when I turned on the screen. It did not exceed my expectations, but managed to meet it, towards some level. At least, it was reflective of the effort that I've put in for so long. Later on, MSN and facebook chat was flooded with conversations of results. It was a long night, but it ended well.

I thank God for His grace and favour as He has once again, proved that He is merciful in answering prayers. After insane hours of studying, additional research, consistent reading, inhumane hours of lectures and all the sacrifices, I'm glad everything is okay. I succesfully moving on to Part One, and my biggest wish now, is to get into Top 10.

I'll keep praying=)

Extraordinary

2010-08-19T20:49:00.003+08:00

Have you ever wonder why is ordinary, ordinary? Why do the majority stays ordinary to contrast the extraordinary? Since time in memorial, we know people who are famous, remember events that rises out of the blue. Nobody bothers with routine, average joes and plain janes. The majority however seems not to have any problem living along these lines, arguing peace and serenity above all. No doubt it ensures a life without much turbulence, guarantees happiness with the partake of content and satisfaction. When you do things that everyone does, you live in the safe bubble of acceptance and consistent pace with everyone else. The comfort zone you stay in say, becomes an entire lifetime for most of the human beings out there. They leave the world leaving behind only their tombstone for material memory. Three generations later, nobody in your family even remembers your name. Several later, your contribution to the world, so little, diminishes as later generations invent and fill in the blanks of what society needs at that time. You became nobody, like millions of them who had left the world only leaving behind remains in a cemetery.

For one thing I know, I'll be that lost soul that steps out of the comfort zone and risk my everything, and give in anything. No matter how much everyone disagrees, or discourages, I shall not steer, I shall not fall. For if I have lost everything for something, I'll get it. And damn I'll get it in the end. I am just someone who is unwilling to live in the norm, be contented with what has been given. I want more, and I want it better.

So they say: a hundred mile journey starts with a small step. Yeah, I'm running fast now.

Till 23rd August

2010-08-12T23:02:00.003+08:00

“Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer” – Charles Colton 1780 – 1832

Failed

2010-08-11T22:15:00.004+08:00

After the heavy thinking of the aftermath, the conclusion to be made is up to the mentality. I vow to never give up. The least I can do to redeem myself. And perhaps, to quote:

They say President Wilson has blundered. Perhaps he has, but I notice he usually blunders forward. ~Thomas Edison

I'll never accept defeat, never ever. I'll keep fighting for my goals despite setbacks and failures, ignorance and demotivation. In this journey to success, I'm not going to please anybody but myself.

Lastly, to family, friends, teachers, I'm sorry if I've let you down.

Lawasia Moots

2010-08-10T00:13:00.002+08:00

I am proud that our mooting team finished second and will be representing Malaysia to the International rounds at New Delhi. They did a great job and was splendid, awesome, amazing, fantastic....phewwwww!!!

For us student volunteers, was pure labour, enough said.

Anyway, it was a great hell of an experience. Knowing other friends from elsewhere is cool=)

Loves=)

Easy, You're Just Not The One

2010-08-09T22:34:00.002+08:00

I was hoping for that day I'll turn around and prove you wrong.

Yes, no other student study 12 hours non stop,
nor they arrive home at 11 average each night,
nor do they have classes on Saturdays and weekends.

And I want to tell you all that:

I'm smart enough AND harworking enough to deserve,
even I have to skip meals,
even I have to bear your faces of disbelief when I told you I want,
even you discourage me, tell me to keep my hopes low.

Because IF I am Kings scholar, I have all to prove you wrong. ONLY IF. Now, it's clear that I'm not. It's 9th already and I've given up on waiting for that call from Kings. I'm lying to myself that everything is okay. Everything is not okay at all and I'm beyond disappointed. I've given it all, and I'm now left with nothing.

Just fuck off and stop pretending you care and you understand k? All the while I've been fucking mocked of having this ambition, been damn hell told not to keep my hopes so high, been TOLD I'M NOT WORTHY OF THIS. YES I'M NOT NOW. YES YOUR DREAMS FINALLY CAME TRUE, AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP WITH IT. I HOPE IF EVEN BETTER, I'M ON THE BRINK OF FAILING. THEN YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE I'M A LIVE EXAMPLE OF THOSE WHO JUST HAVE ALL THE BAD LUCK, NO MATTER HOW HARD I STUDY, I'M JUST ANOTHER BLOODY LOSER. YES YOU HAVE GOT WHAT YOU WANT. I'M JUST ANOTHER AVERAGE DUDE WHO CAN ONLY DREAM PROPORTIONATELY.

I'm tired of this. I want to jump off some building. I'm fed up of living a life that everybody, EVERYBODY telling me what I can't do and who I can't be. I know crying is no use, but I'm now doing it. I'm so disappointed, I don't know how to pick myself up this time.

Just leave me alone.

I'll Do It For You

2010-08-05T23:37:00.003+08:00

You know, if I can ever have that, I would not hesitate to fly you back to KL, and make you meals like this every dinner.
We will drive to mamak late at night and talk until 5 in the morning, or watch TV at your place and drink Old Town with soda biscuits.
We will also go shop at lots of places. You will help me with my arrangements. Planning for my 21st. You will do all these for me.
Everything will run in smooth motion with that single determining factor, you know. We had endless conversations over the phone about hopes, fears, encouragements. Despite hectic work schedules, despite annoying lines over at Paris, we somehow could find time, to make the connection work, to make interacton successful.

You know how badly I want this, and you are the one who I can count on to give me that pull when my mentality could not withstand the fall.

You are the one I throw my life's motions to; I rant, laugh, complain, rage, cry my heart to you. Unsolicited and sincere. No reservations at all, pure hundred percent trust so real. These are the moments in life I cherish. Though miles apart, we never fail to keep touch, never fail to trust, and never fail to be there. You were somehow there, be it your voice or your advice that keeps ringing in my head. I had stayed strong during stressful revision schedules, exam days and post exam fears because you told me to, during times where I was tired, discouraged and fearful.

As of now, you told me that I can, and I had gave in all. I trust that I can, because I believe you.

The date determines all, and now we anticipate. Anything may happen, but the thing that doesn't change is how much I had appreciated your everything for so long; not just during harsh revision exam times, but since we have decided to be friends.

I appreciate everything, twins. Thanks for being my best friends.

Temptation

2010-07-30T09:12:00.002+08:00

When the serpent tempted Eve to take the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, would that be the very origins of human temptation, I wonder? Christians called it the original sin, setting thus the imprint that whatever that tempts us, would be evil and sinful. The work of the Devil to allure us to His realm and to slave our souls.

Life is full of temptations of every sort. I believe the strength of principle and faith would cast standing to one to withstand them. But one ought to know that, we are human afterall and there are weak spots, tender enough to reduce that spiritual mindset into cinders, once tempted beyond.

It's amazing how a thought can move principles aside, allowing men to lead themselves to their own downfall. After witnessing since time immemorial, how many empires crumbled, lost battles, shrivelled mankind, human ought know better. But it does not seem so, because what tempt us, keep tempting us, and knowingly accordingly, we give in to indulge in that momentary pleasure.

There are moments in life I had gave in to temptations, done things I'm not supposed to and made wrong decisions. I'm not proud of them, but I believe in forgiveness and faith, time and prayer that can empower all to heal wounds. What has driven me to blog about this, is where you medidate and realise how much better you can be, then you repent and tell yourself not to fall back into the same holes again.

And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
and you will strike his heel."

To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'
"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.

It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.

By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."

Genesis 3: 15-19

Roland Expo

2010-07-28T09:47:00.003+08:00

Two days of intense work in Roland expo@ One U, co-organised by my uncle's company. Despite the long hours of standing and carrying heavy stuff, I find it pretty fulfilling as compared to other promoting jobs that I've ever did. There were lots of live bands playing, inaugural random talent shows on pianos and plenty of time for me to stroll along empty floors and think about just anything else that matters to me.

Friends that came along made my day, really. I bumped into Steven, Jess and Xid on day one. Henry and Mich came to have dinner with me on Sunday. I was thrilled and also, lots of love for bringing me yumcha and sending me home in that Merc.

*

Drove to MV alone and nearly got lost because I missed one intersection exiting SPRINT. Thank God I'm smart and used an alternative. Driving home was one journey involving three tolls. Good thing I brought along mum's touch and go so that I wouldn't be the one paying. One word of advise: It's super unwise to drive from Bandar Sri Damansara to Mid Valley, ALONE. A train ride just costs RM1.60. Anyhow, Despicable Me was great, in 3D, especially with dudes I've not met in years. So, I don't regret travelling at all=) though I'd prefer one u next time.

By the way, I'm a student volunteer in LAWASIA. So stay tuned for pics and events. More to come=)

Spirit of The Law

2010-07-26T21:42:00.004+08:00

Many months ago I was living on bare essentials: my body, books and a functioning brain. Food eventually became coffee every morning and protein shake every afternoon. Caffeine was essential to maintain a working mind and ensure consistent focus, attention and concentration. Explains much about the coffee, and protein shake is to, oh wells wells, prevent gastric. Then, the next thing I knew was, I was having occasionnal migranes, having pretty much to rely on cod liver oil and evening primrose to regulate my fluctuating period schedule, not to mention each month, it bleeds with crucifying agony. The worst thing was, I wasn't losing weight. Which I was quite disappointed in lol. Anyway, the point is; stress level was high. Work kept pushing in and deadlines were drawing closer. Long hours of reading and deprived sleep wasn't running life in singular motion. Taking the night train home alone was a nightmare. Besides fearing the risk of weirdos like molestors, robbers and rapers, sitting there among strangers allow the idle mind to wander. Thoughts about meeting expectations, dreams, achievement flooded in, all obnoxiously scary, but immensely powerful. I was very ambitious, and very keen, eager to lose everything to get what I want. There were times I wasn't feeling motivated. Peer influence steps in here and there, enough to drown me in solitary misery, thinking about comparison and competition.

But then, even I was under stress, I was happy and I feel fulfilled. I love law and I want to be married to it. I am a law student, proud to be one pursuing to be in one of the most honourable professions in the world. Hence, there will never be any solid explanations I can give if anyone asks why I want to read law. To be a lawyer? To become rich? It's so juvinile to give answers like that, and even more childish to ask questions that only I will be satisfied with the answer. To be percise, I live by the spirit of law, and I'm very passionate about it, and I want to serve justice's best interests by knowing more of it. I don't care if I have to skip meals or to sleep less because I have tons of stuff I don't know. I don't care if people ask me why I want to know so much more of things that exams do not cover. It doesn't matter if I have to do more. Because I love law, I'm so ready to give in everything for it. Exams are only a teeny part, so unworthy of being a fuss, a hurdle. The process of reading law is like so massive and so unpredictable, and I'm so curious to know more. And let there be my answer to your question. Law fascinates me like how love does to everybody else. I just have one dream, to live by the spirit of the law.

Speaking about this, RESULTS!!! Out by September, I think. This, I pray, to be reflective of what I have did for the past months.

Madness

2010-07-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's already almost midnight, and I'm still at this madhouse.

Sometimes, it just gives me the feeling that it's cursed. Scrape that. All the time, I know that it's cursed.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-07-17T12:32:00.002+08:00

A sudden craving for movies crept in yesterday night when I was teaching. It was already 9 and I had no kakis. Nobody seem bothered to pick up their phones on that Friday night.

Thank God Yen Yuen was super flexible and we went for the 11.30pm movie after a quick chat in Starbucks. Inception was way awesome, and I fell in love with Cillian Murphy on first sight. He's FARKING HOT.

It's definitely a must watch.

The Truth About Table Salt

2010-07-16T16:42:00.003+08:00

It always had been difficult to tell the truth that hurts, moreover telling the stark fact to someone you really love and care about. It had been challenging enough to me. When Qwen called me after we finished our Criminal Law paper, she was upset and crying over the phone. She told me she had only managed to finish one out of the supposed four questions and was wondering how bad was it. Very bad, I was biwildered. It only could mean a total fail for that paper itself which indicated a fail grade for the entire year. No referral whatsoever.

The Qwen I know is smart and intelligent, not forgetting to mention she obtained excellent STPM results before coming over to ATC for a law degree after turning down a sparse offer to pursue a degree in Economics in University Malaya. In fact, knowing that she had not been constantly reading and revising, Qwen turned 360degree hardwroking during our revision months; she read tutorial notes that no one would touch, attended every revision classes, asked questions around and consulted lots of lecturers on queries in law.

She knew that she had failed the year for failing the first paper. Yet she turned up for the following subsequent papers. The spirit of a fighter was the one which drew me in awe; it does not really matter what the results are, so long as the journey was worth its while. It is a matter of choice and Qwen took a very principled one: to continue what she had started, and finish it strong.

So it applies the same to winning Project O&O. She was fighting for the top, and it does not really matter at all whether one would win or not. Before the results was revealed, she had already did her part, did it well, and hence should bear no regrets. Qwen already had an awesome personality and with sheer determination, the ability to withstand change and pressures, the outcome after joining Project O&O is a Qwen who deserves a standing ovation for who she is and who she had become. She is a classmate, a friend and a role model to be admired and followed.

For what Project O&O had did to her, is subjecting her to be better than who she already is; more confident, outspoken and daring. For what it had made us, friends and supporters, spectators from the third person's point of view, is where we see life transforming changes and get inspired, then apply these to pursue the dreams that we desire. It had been possible for finalists of Project O&O to obtain what they want, and it is definitely so for us too, in what we had ever wanted so badly.

To Qwen, you had made all of us proud. After viewing lots of Edmund Tham's, the following capture may be an insult, but nevertherless, it is just to show you Qwen, that we love you lots.

'Talent is cheaper than tablesalt. What separates the talented one with the successful one is a lot of hard work.' - Stephen King

Point Me Blank

2010-07-14T21:59:00.003+08:00

Nowadays, the most exhilirating part in life I get is the freedom to drive. I'll spend time alone on the roads, listening to music and indulge myself in solitary serenity. Not to mention, the breathtaking moments of driving and seeing stretches of roads unfold by layers in front of me.

I guess being an individual with a strong sense of self belief leads to somehow, narcissism. I think I'd date myself again and again and I'd be so pleased and all. Afterall, I like to do things alone; without the hustle of company and the jerking sense of non freedom.

Side note to that, I emptied half a tank of petrol in two days for driving to Kuchai Lama and KL and to PJ. So gonna get killed.

*

Had a great weekend over in Camerons with college friends. Despite the fatigue, I'm still looking forward to life after all these.

Stay tuned peeps.

Eat, Money, Face

2010-07-02T20:12:00.001+08:00

*Content Warning*

Today a particular kid got into trouble. His water bottle straw was stuffed with pencil shreds and it skipped my attention due to the hooligans making noise and havoc in the class.

The dad and mum was pissed off. They came and told one long thread of story and threatened my mum that if that *soab* son of theirs got bullied they'll stop him from coming. Of course, mum apologised and gave the sweet talk all. Business mar.

And of course, I got scolded front and back up and down.

Set that aside, I'm just freaking pissed with the whole incident. You are parents with a kid, of course, you habour a loving heart and patience. And then you can't stand the fact your kid got bullied in school and you got pissed off on the other kid who did it and then you blame the teachers for not paying attention enough. Then you threaten. WTF? You are not understanding at all because you're accusing of non delicate attention. Ei moron, of course, because you're not the only fucking one who paid. All of the kids have parents who pay. And teachers are human. Human enough to get distracted. You went on and say other kids are being unreasonable and all. Remember, they're all kids. You scold them because of your son? Moron, pick someone of your own size, okay? It's riddiculous. You guys gave me the impression of those losers who are so overprotective of their kids that they never grow. Can't punish, can't scold. Then, they become morons, like who you are now. Happy? Like father, like son.

I'll throw the money on your idiot face. Don't even bother coming back. Learning is a process with falls in between. Getting up is where learning takes place. Each time you cushion your child's fall, he will never learn how to walk.

Fuck off, ok? I'm pissed off.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

District Awards Night

2010-06-28T15:54:00.002+08:00

Priceless are those experience gained throughout. Well done=)

I'll be the best in what I do.

More Than

2010-06-25T09:58:00.003+08:00

More than a month ago college life ended, or rather adjourned with the euphoria of the finishing exams. Then life starts to take a bland turn, initially. Now it's sorta routine and it gets increasingly familiar. Random changes spice up the routine before gradually falling back to the regular stupor.

Admitedly I miss college life a lot. I miss my lectures, tutorials, time spent on researching, reading additional articles and reference books. I miss THAT academic part of me, which I believe consists of 70% of me. LOL. Detachment from books make me feel stupid and makes life almost meaningless, TO ME. Perhaps many would regard life interesting besides studying, but it's so me to take my studies seriously. Once bitten twice shy mode applies after Form 6. So as people say, a matter of principle, and mine, sounds like the nerd type of mission statement. Can't be bothered more of what you opine, anyway.

During Wayne Morisson's lecture slightly before exams. I miss my college buds heck.

I know well that things change eventually and indeed they do. Hanging onto some flexible mockery isn't really gonna change my way of thinking, much. Ignorance isn't that blissful afterall, so to say. Being emo is so like duh.

Perhaps to calm my raging mind: Everything in the world breaks.
But memories can be eternal.

Midnight Drizzle

2010-06-24T23:28:00.001+08:00

My mind but not my thoughts. Wishing days could pass until the day cannot be the way.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't make your life, mine.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

These Good Days

2010-06-21T17:01:00.007+08:00

Nothing trades the time well spent with people you love. Two weeks of holidays without seeing those bastards, bring me the first breath of fresh freedom and enjoyment. Though my ideal getaway would be the beach, random meet ups and shopping sprees does the remedy equally well.

1. Went for buffet with the girls.

2. Helped Zi Qin to look for furniture for her future home.

3. Shopped for three consequtive days and emptied my savings account.
4. Went for warehouse sales and almost got into a fight.
5. Went mamak to watch football to get the feel.
6. Pierced my ears again.
7. Watched movies and stuck my face to the TV for Mega Sundays on AXN.
8. Sang k with the guys.
9. Baked with the twins.
10. Finished 4 bags of chips in a night thanks to World Cup.
11. Fell in love with bangles.
12. Went for a day trip of mall hopping with Yen Yuen.

13. Went picnic with high school friends.

14. One heavy dinner consisting of 7 course meals with family.
15. Grandparents came over and went for dimsum.

16. Telan-ed one whole durain@@

*

Working, just give me pains in my ass. Not just I dislike it, I loathe work very much. Probably due to the reason I never liked kids, or working for mum increases the stress one have to cope. Long working hours with unfixed hours, random chores and getting blamed for everything is annoying and discouraging.

Heck I thought I will be enjoying my break which I duly deserve after so many months of hard work and sacrifice for my exams. And how wrong was I. Now I'm praying for holidays to end and my new term to start asap.

Side note to that: I don't work for the sake of money; I work for the sake of interest and satisfaction. I don't work to serve other's belief, I stand on my own principles and deliver my services accordingly. I am worthy of every single piece of respect due to my respect to others. I work in positive light, I see oppurtunity and I am moved my optimism. If I have to pretend and sacrifice everything and have no life in return, I don't see the purpose of giving all in. That's why, I just think this business is a total fucked up plan if you don't have the mentality to sustain pressures and blame everyone for mistakes, refusing advices and hoping for everyone who work for you to be ideal. Cause no one is perfect, and neither am I, or you.

I'm out of this madhouse after July.

Deliverance

2010-06-15T00:45:00.002+08:00

During afternoon nap, I had a dream which stood vividly in my mind.

I was in a swimming pool with a dozen men, and then, God gave me a test of temptation. I was at the edge of the pool and God gave me the choice of to take the plunge, or to resist it. I gave in, and dove into the water. But the 6 feet depth turned into a four storey deep plunge. I found myself ascending to the bottom, far away from the light above. It was when I reached pit bottom I was able to swim back to the surface. During the way back up, God told me:

'As I have saved you this time, I can also unsave you the next.'

Then I felt a force on my right shoulder which prevented me from resurfacing, and my vision went foggy. It was then I realise how is it to lose spiritual direction: blurred and burdenful.

I woke up in sweat, but I remembered the message well.

Drink, Drank, Not Drunk

2010-06-07T11:45:00.008+08:00

Back to The Library again yesterday night. But this time, it wasn't with Liz. Tagged along college friends LSW, Martin, Wai Kiat, Qwen and Edwin. Juanophobia performed in the finals and I was all out to support. Saw Kenn Yee there as well, very the coincidence. My right hand was aching a bit due to the badminton aftermath, plus we got bad seats due to the massive crowd. It was halfway through the event everyone started sweating like hell.

The mad crowd.

Ok, Juanophobia lost. Being they've got the first runner-up. For fans it was quite a disappointment but it's fine. Company was great and that's what that matters most.

I think some of them are not quite enjoying themselves there. I don't know why. Maybe my problem? No?

Martin opened bottle. Black label we've got. Somebody nearly got drunk for finishing the entire last small portion. lol.

Come again.

*

Played badminton with the gang as well. The results: body odour and aching muscles. Went for pasar malam afterwards and laughed while eating. Was super syokked.

Dan, Martin and the Woman acting as the couple of the year.

Groans. work starts.

Page 358

2010-06-06T11:19:00.000+08:00

Taken from The Success Principles:

Frank Szymanski, Notre Dame centre in the 1940s, had been called in as a witness in a civil suit.

"Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?" the judge asked.
"Yes, Your Honour."
"What position?"
"Centre, Your Honour."
"How good a centre?"

Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but he said firmly:"Sir, I'm the best centre Notre Dame has ever had."

Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was surprised. Szymanski had always been modest and unassuming. So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski blushed.

"I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I was under oath."

*

Acknowledgment of self. Speak as if under oath the entire life. Whoa, Hui Ting.

One Sunday Night

2010-06-01T17:28:00.007+08:00

Went to The Library with Liz to support Juanophobia. The band was way awesome. Gonna go again this Sunday, yeah, they cast the addiction.

They are all Liz's seniors and most of the people who turned up to support them were Liz's friends. Hence I look a bit odd. But nontheless I love good music and drinks, so no harm done. The night was amazing. They really did made me their fanXD

The Judges.

Hanging out with Liz can be tiring, because we talk a lot lol. But next chapter begins this Sunday eh pal? haha. See you same time same place man.

Heartz!

Lazy Afternoons

2010-05-28T18:06:00.002+08:00

Took a nap at 11am under the spinning ceiling fan. Two mattresses merged into one. Listening to Queen and thinking about gays, jobs and pancakes. The air was definitely hotter than Mexico.

I'm speculating about Mexico.

But I can do a getaway there. Heard that Cancun is not bad for lazy afternoons like this, on a beach.

I HATE WORK. FUCK YOU WORK!!!!!!!

Hot Mess

2010-05-27T10:55:00.001+08:00

I think I fell in love.

Heart you Cobra Starship.

Summer's Here Baby!

2010-05-26T21:37:00.009+08:00

A stringful of events happened on the tip of the iceberg of summer holidays. The reason for having fun too much too soon: I've got a job. Big deal. What about I tell you it's being a kulMe at my mum's kindergarten for the rest of my remaining 3 months? Not so cool as the expected attachment-at-law-firm job huh?

Today marks my official first day. I taught, cooked, played, cleaned, bathed kids. And I hereby declare I hate my job, and I hate kids. Kor reckons I'll change my mind down the road. We shall seeXD

The point:

Straight after exams, a whole bunch of us went for an inaugural karaoke session at Neway and subsequently developed throat problems. Saturday night, went for Rotaract Club of KJ's charter and installation night.

Mum was thoroughly against this. But work calls. I'm the supposed secretary, no? and I know nuts about the club.

It happened to be one event worth going with good food and eye candies plus triggered me that hey I've not been clubbing for almost half a year=) Such abstinence.

*

Mum's kindergarten was on Sunday morning and I became the inadvertent MC.
But the kids were freaking funny. But still, does not alter my stand in saying I don't really like them.

Still, I was a kid, once. But I remember myself cuter, and definitely, smarter.

*

Went to college straight after and hop n with the gang in Johnson's Camry up to Genting. Had BBQ in SueAnn's Mansion with the gang I love the most. Those people in class who bore through all shit during revision together.

BBQ was FRIGGIN AWESOME! And it's totally cool to chill out with friends who normally I only talk law to. Kinda like a breath of fresh air after discussing all about exams and revision for the past few months.

Not to mention, Sue Ann's house is big.

With a friggin nice view of the pine forests.

Went up to Genting and went for food and arcade. Was super exhausted, but the trip, is worthwhile.

*

Shopping, pasar malam trip, a girls' night sleepover and moots audition were scheduled afterwards but thanks to Mum I was forced to be left out and mop around in her kindergarten doing idiotic work like talking to kids== The shopping thing is fine, but I'm pissed off about not being available for the moots audition. And heck yeah I know I'm not that good as to be sure that I can get qualified, but when it's MY studies that ANYONE, regardless who the tut you are, interferes, I will HATE you. Don't tell me who I can't be okay? Cause it's not your call, and none of your concern. And I do what I like as much as I can to get what I want you listen? So get the hell out of my sight before I piss off.

Side note to that, I PPS-ed yesterday on marathon mode and I watched The Heartbreak Kid, Spy Next Door, P2, White Chicks, Departures and Valentines Day. All full and finished. Wohooo!

It's gonna be a lip smacking holiday!

It's Done

2010-05-21T23:12:00.002+08:00

No more poring over revision charts, books, cases and materials, articles and notes.
No more assignments. No more group discussions.
No more staying back till late night at the library.
No more chart drawings in empty classrooms.
No more stress, skipped lunches, missed dinners.
No more chasing after lecturers for marked assignments.
No more taking short naps lying on the table.
No more cursing on lost notes, labouring jealousy on the new inters.
No more, no more=)

Till September.

Exams is over folks.
HELLO SUMMER HOLIDAYS!

The Good Girl

2010-05-14T19:05:00.003+08:00

I do self proclaim, that I am indeed one.
But why does moderation in life invites challenges I do not foresee?
On one hand, does the sacrifice worth the redemption of satisfaction?
I cannot contemplate complexities that life throws me.

Getaway

2010-05-07T19:11:00.005+08:00

Studying in the library gets routine till the point the initial stress was, significantly greater than now. Call it a loss of momentum, or confidence gained in time. I felt myself losing grip on the hiatus of revising and fighting for the last few strands of time left. Funnily, I wished I was back then, racing against time and nothing else, besides reading over and over again, matters.

Speaking about time, three days left folks.

When I was reading general defences this afternoon I suddenly had a vision of myself on the beach, with all my books, under palm trees and sand on my feet. Which was like whoa=) Three days running and I'm staring to hallucinate. Geez.

Little things that makes life orgasmic. I wished I was back then, where I don't know who you are.

Like Mist

2010-05-04T14:52:00.002+08:00

And it's hard for me to lose in my life, I've found outside your skin right near the fire, that we can baby, we can change and feel alright.

To Mum

2010-04-24T23:21:00.003+08:00

Yeah it's true that everything in the world is not just evolving around studies, and it's true to have life amidst the hiatus, exercise better time management and be smart instead of just working hard. But I can't because apparently I'm too stupid.

The pendulum swings in favour of perspective.
Yeah, I'm a nerd with no life.

Fuck me.

2010-04-17T06:10:00.000+08:00

Oh! The Places you’ll Go!
By Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!

Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

*Dedicated to Yoong Sin and Yong Ling: You are the ones who told me who I can be more than I am. And I appreciate that.

Stronger

2010-04-16T22:39:00.002+08:00

No regrets of going to this place for law. I have deleted so many entries again and again. In short, I love you: Von, Sue Ann, JJ, Soo Wen, Daniel, Bird, Henry and everyone else who I feel your sincerity. Listening, is great help. At least for my case.

The thing that I've always dreaded happened again. I'm so close in letting myself giving in for little things until I halted myself and STOP!!!! Look at were are you stepping to Hui Ting! Don't ever be sidetracked by insignificant stuff! It's quite a cliche to feel gloomy these days. Happens every other day. If it's not for exam stress it would be nonsensical jealousy, or the dilemma of familial responsibilities, or even PMS, or bitches. I lack energy, I think. I just want to go to bed because I feel tired after crying.

But the Hui Ting I knew is tough, brave and determined. So, if life give me CHALLENGES, so CHALLENGES will make me tougher, make me a fighter, strengthen my willpower, make me a better warrior in the course of life.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

To (whatever challenges including arseholes who have the potential to ruin my willpower) YOU, I'll never GIVE UP, not even in your fucking face of ignorance, not even in adversity, not even in a million years! You dream on and fuck out of my life. I need to be in constant positive energy of motivation, in the atmosphere of belief and encouragement. Not of the attitude of non-appreciation.

I quote Dr Seuss:

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!

But For

2010-04-14T20:01:00.004+08:00

If she holds biasness, treating me with unfairness,
If she burdens me with responsibilities;
If she keeps reminding me how imperfect I am,
If she points out every mistake I make,
If she fails to acknowledge every achievement I make;
If she expects more than I can offer,
If she demands for the impossible,
If she makes me lose hope by telling me I'm less than I am,
If she reminds me of her disappointments in me,
If she demands for respect, even in odds,
If she impedes my freedom of expressing my opinions,
If she demands absolutely;
If she compares and makes unreasonable preferences;

But if she does everything so,
I cannot demand for more,
Because she gave me everything I am today, and I am thankful.
Because she is human, she have flaws I choose to understand.
Because she is my mother, so I chose to tolerate.

PS: I'm typing this while listening to my mum nag. LOL. How oxymoron this can be lol?

Shine On Me, Hope

2010-03-29T22:50:00.003+08:00

I take the rush hour train to college every morning, with faithful routine. The overhead bridge I cross every morning has the splendid view of the sky with endorsed glorious sunlight, and never ever fails in making me stop to glimpse and feel the warmth.

The sun just makes my everyday perfect.

Revision Month

2010-03-28T18:54:00.002+08:00

With the month of March approaching its end, I daresay it's one of the most fulfilling time I had ever had in my life. Although studying and revising is kinda burdensome and routine and it gets boring after some time, but it's a responsibility too heavy to shake off, I think.

Mum has been nagging on me spending too much time in college. She actually told me to get some life in which I went totally speechless. Well, I do feel I get tensed up when it gets to revision and I get frustrated easily. But it's just the agony of the moment. I still continue in giving tuition, despite friends telling me to stop in order to concentrate in studies. I watch CSI very madly. And I play piano everyday and without fail, spend time to FB. It's not about life like going out meeting friends everyday and having fun. It's about cutting down here and there and substitute the context of fun in other means. Other more convenient, conventional means. Balancing is all about maintaining priorities and slipping in exceptions here and there, with a mindful thought of bearing your own strengths and weaknesses.

I daresay I am a very principled person and I adhere to them. =)

After so long without touching my blog suddenly my hand tergatal-ed hence the post. Or else I won't be more bothered to on the PC because I'm so freaking lazy nowadays.

Oh by the way, I'm cutting down on food and hopefully it turns around as a blessing in disguise nyah nyah~ Personal reasons though, but I'm faithful.

In anyway, I do thank God for everything that had happened because those stuff gave me a contrast to see for myself and choose. Plus, He gave me real good health and insofar friends I've have been sick due to stress, I am perfectly okay despite skipping meals. He gave me correct people who turn up during correct times. Never felt this good before=)

A Love Like No Other

2010-03-24T21:25:00.003+08:00

During troubled times like this, the situation kinda works like a blessing in disguise.

This is when you know who will sacrifice, care, go all out, understand, listen and do whatever, ever, to make you feel better. All in the name of friendship. And I have nothing more to give, but my sincere gratitude.

I am touched, because I have friends who share the same vision as I do. Who have the same principles in life as I do. Who I believe and trust in. I'm so filled with positive energy that I'm prepared to envisage a future obtained by honest effort. I am happy and loving life like this: meaningful and fulfilling.

I LOVE YOU GUYS=) After all the thunderstorms, I do believe in rainbows.

Blame Factor

2010-03-13T23:09:00.002+08:00

What exactly I'm feeling now is a mixture of confusion and depression. I'm enraged. This world. You can't fit the term fairness in.

Say whatever you like about me. I DON'T CARE.

What I'm doing now is my ACCOUNTABILITY to myself. I want to do this because I want to. Whatever the outcome will be, I know that at the very least, I had played my part, and I played it well. So screw you if you ever dare to judge me for whatever I do.

It's a matter of principle.

Day 60

2010-03-10T23:17:00.002+08:00

Henry told me to get some rest today because according to him, I looked like a zombie. He told me to fear the worst, that under great pressure, I'll go stark blank on the very day of the exams.

Firstly, I wasn't even working hard enough. If I were so I wouldn't be blogging this.
Secondly, God forbid, I'll never go blank in the exam hall.
Thirdly, passing and scoring are two different things. One needs hard work and another needs an additional element of stratergy and sacrifice. My hard work, is not enough.

Eyebags are the first symptomps of stress.

I don't mind sacrificing, just that I do wish I could score with excellent results, as a reward of what I've put in.

Again, they say the best will come for those who work for it. =)

*

Nobody can do anything to help me right now, unless your help comes in the form of RM2K. I'm sick of being in debt and being unable to pay bills and unable to work and exercise financial freedom thanks to a hectic schedule and an overworried mum. And don't treat me too well, people. I don't know how to repay you in future. My problems, I'll settle myself. Don't pity me because I'm cutting down on food and stationery because I cannot afford to have them regularly to save for paying debts and bills. I thank you guys for the concern, but it makes me look cheap and poor and incapable. Because I'm not, and I don't deserve to be helped due to my irrational and instinct-based decisions I had made in the past. If I need anything, in desperation, I'll ask for assistance. And I'll make sure your good deeds are repayed.

Don't Let Anyone Tell You What You Can't Do

2010-03-04T23:06:00.002+08:00

Needless to say, revision week kicks in and hence starts the new saga of hectic student life: Class from Mondays to Sundays with long hours of continuous lectures. I totally get the mood. So does many. The library is so crowded nowadays with shocking silence despite the congregation.

Probably I seem very stressed out. I am because I do. But it still doesn't negate the fact I relax a lot at home: from TV to movies. But so long as I strike a balance, it'll be okay, I guess.

The busier I get, I start to get the feel that life is starting to get better.

Right on track I should say.

There are lots of sacrifice made, but I still think it is worth it. Though results cannot be seen now, I can judge that small differences I make to my habits are disciplining me. I'm so starting to get the gist of becoming a responsible adult. =)

I want to foresee myself going into the exam hall with confidence and leave it smiling. I want to see myself receiving results with a contented smile. Small goals like this, will make up the ultimate big goal in my life.

I Do It For Love

2010-02-27T23:25:00.002+08:00

As I was taking my regular train ride to class today, lots of thoughts came to my mind. I remembered myself questioning them in the face of reality, why they did it? Do they regret doing so? And why? What drove them to do so?

That's very noble, I thought.

They told me they did it for love.

A Waste of Time

2010-02-26T23:28:00.002+08:00

It is justified: I never liked holidays. They spoil my mood to study, spoil my schedule for revision. One fine day at home, I pledged to myself, to finish VLE and to start off contract revision. It's minutes to the next day and I'm stuck on the first page since I opened my notes at 12pm. VLE untouched. The only thing that has been changing was the tin of biscuits in which the contents are diminishing as I went through pointless hours sitting on the table flipping through without concentrating.

I was thinking. If I had to attend college and I would be sitting in the library, at least 70% of my focus would suffice a thorough read on a topic.

Now I'm achieving nothing and worst, I'm full with deep regret. The psychological effect works worse, trust me.

I know I can blame no one, still, I blame, firstly, the weather, for providing a perfect sauna for sweat dripping purposes. It's friggin hot even after the rain. Next, mum for providing all the noise in the world. When I wanted to get into the mood, she came and spoil it by nagging and scolding about everything that she lays her sight on. Seriously and honestly I'm pissed and I can't concentrate. Thirdly, I blame the TV for distracting me.

Ultimately, my self discipline sucks to a max.

*Chiew Ee did 14 hours of non stop revision, and I wonder when I could reach that standard of discipline. What I'm doing now is obviously not enough to render me above the rest. =(

United 6ABC 2007/08 Gathering

2010-02-25T00:14:00.007+08:00

Gasoline Kepong

I swear I'll never step foot in this horrible place again. Service was terrible and the environment was not good at all. But company was: fuuuuyoh. Syok. Have not seen them in ages, one. Two, Kian Lu aka the monitor aka the fail planner came out with this idea randomly to gather and thank God he has got me to aid in organising the gathering. I was so freaking scared no one would turn up and I was hesitating when I called to book 12 places. But 14 of us turned up which was excellent! Kudos to all of us=)

The besties who never fail to light up my day.

The gang that made so much noise playing card games.

*

Wait, the second round of chaos proceeded after 12 in my house. In which they decided to pay a visit.

It started with an innocent game of uno and watching sports.

And ended with a gambling bonanza. At 3am.

I say these people are young and energetic don't they? XD

I daresay, I had a great time hosting them and having them around. Those times were still one of the best memories in my head. United 6ABC, let's make it string. Let our community stay active=)

Promises of The Past

2010-02-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

Have never been allowing fatigue to wash over myself that badly. Physically strained, I also realised stress have been accumulating; not just me, but everyone else around. Days were stroke off the countdown, fast enough to say, hey, it's the revision hiatus next week. Normal to panic I should say, but surprisingly, some aren't. What say you? 76 days and counting down to the exam that determines my future.

The abrupt, pouring rain did not cool the accumulated humid weather. Likewise.

Sky Lantern, Fly Away

2010-02-21T23:42:00.006+08:00

According to Suren, it was a ill planned occasion. We did very abruptly wanted to light the sky lantern, or commonly known as Kong Ming Deng. Twins who are about to head back to Paris came from across the street and sis asked Kathleen and a few of my students and friends over.

We wrote our wishes on the lantern and I started using a chinese brush to write. Heck I'm amazed, after so many years since high school I still retained my prize-winning calligraphy skills. I'm glad, though it had deteriorated in quality slightly.

Twins in constructing their masterpiece.

There are a few conclusions I can make. Everyone would collectively wish for:
1. Good results
2. Good health
3. Lose weight (twins specified 43kg and sis wanted 45)

I say these people are too greedy XD

The final photoshoot.

Everyone who wrote their wishes=)Let's pray for whatever resolutions we ambit for would come true provided diligence and persistence are present kay?

*
It was a shame that twins cannot make it to see the sky lantern fly to the night sky. I always knew they would want to see it, moreover one with all the hopes they wrote down. They have to depart at 11 back to their uni in Paris. Which means tonight officially ends my CNY holidays. Life should get back to normal. All my closest friends are far away from KL, festive mood should cease eventually. Though with a heavy heart, which occurs every time they leave, I remember every day I spent with them. Every second that I love. This is what I call friendship, the one that I would never trade anything in the world to let go.

PS: I can't find my camera cable. Hence the photos and the blog post for the 6AB gathering have to be put on hold for a while until I can search for it. Please don't kill me first ya? LOL.

CNY Detour

2010-02-20T00:32:00.002+08:00

CNY visiting this year is with the girls from the high school gang. Besides visiting each other houses for angpaus and food, we went to high school to take some photos.

Mei Li's car ended up driving along Duke Highway which is on the way to Genting while we are on the way to Fern's house in Jalan Ipoh. No idea how she ended up there. But we managed to meet in Maxwell, our Form 6 high school and had some chicken rice over there. Totally felt like those days when we rush to the shop in our uniforms before heading to tuition after school.

Reviving the chicken rice memories, where the chili contains so much garlic it will make your mouth smell like an oxidation pond.

And maxwell dudes, us, began to camwhore in the empty school, which looked like a ghost house with the disrepair architecture and silence.

*

Celebrated Fern's belated 21st in her house.

Zi Qin still had an issue with dogs, apparently.

*

Went St. Mary's with the intention of reviving old times spent there. The guard in the entrance blocked us.

Guard: Buat apa sini?
Fern: Melawat.
Guard: Tak boleh melawat ni. Kena ada permission Ms. Goh.
Zi Qin: Tak la, kita nak angkat sijil saje.
Guard: Sijil apa?
Yvette: Sijil 1119.
Everyone: Got such thing as 1119 cert ah?
Guard: Nanti, aku telefon pejabat dulu.
-10 seconds later-
Guard: Dah, cikgu cakap boleh naik.

I was so damn scared they wouldn't let us in!!!

We took loads of photos and enjoyed ourselves doing crazy stuff and our voices can literally tear the school down.

St. Mary's is the place! I'm so liking the hangout of the day with a crazy bunch of people whom we used to sit next to each other in class. Now we are all grown up and different, but the memories stay.

*
Went to DPC later which is nearby my place. Took loads of photos before the rain started to spoil the ss-ness.

*

In conclusion, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! We should do this another day. With the entire class. 5Sc4 2006 still rocks my socks!

Road Trip

2010-02-18T23:49:00.009+08:00

Went to Muar for a makan trip. Hands were too busy to take photos, so pardon my bleak photo snaps.

Special thanks to the driver and the host, Daniel and JJ. JJ drove (or sped, at 170 percisely) the entire journey and Daniel brought us around for nice food. The trip was an awesome one overall. Meeting great people and places and trying new stuff, different food.

We went fishing for prawns (or prawning), or whatever. First time in my entire life. Was syokked after some mini victory of catching five and killing one and the rest of the prawns ended up in Daniel's fish's stomach.

Desperados.

The first ever time eating non stop, since 9am to 2am: I could make a list, no, page if I were to list down the stuff that we ate. Fuuuuyohh, full like nobody's business.

*

We drove up straight to Genting right after Muar the next day to visit Sue Ann. Then we went uphill to hang out.

It was raining and foggy, and super cold, and very very windy. Perfect getaway from humid KL.

We went bowling after lunch and shopping for a while.

Yay!

Then we ate lok lok after dinner in the cold weather. Very contrasting differences. Cool=)Thanks to Sue Ann for hosting us in her mansion. Forgot to mention, her house is BIG. As in BIG.

*

Reached home around 1am and instantly collapsed on bed. The road trip was exciting and one heck of an experience and I'll definitely go for another trip like this.
This CNY is cool man!

CNY 2010

2010-02-14T19:09:00.007+08:00

Started with reunion dinner at grandma's place.

Proceeded with camwhoring session. (The rest of the photos are in FB)

We webcam-ed with our aunt and uncle who lives in Japan after dinner.

And somebody got drunk during desert.

But we still stayed around until one in the morning to see our lantern fly to the night sky, carrying wishes for the new year.

*

I so do not get the idea of celebrating CNY like secara besar besaran because excluding family gatherings, the gluttony, overspending and fuss, it's simply not worth it. I don't see the particular need to exaggerate it. And I hate the drama and whatever fashion or beauty runway competition which takes place every year during reunion. It sounds too politicalised to be ignored and I am of a person with a kiasu ambition. Plus, I had a really bad time during the first day of CNY thanks to mum initiating the drama and all. I being a sucker started studying public law for a while (Yeah JJ, you definitely scared the crap out of me) and glued my face to the PC for hours watching movies. So honestly CNY is the same to me like every other day, well, except for the fact mum is at home grunting and scolding for basically everything she lay her sight on. Gosh, I am so hating every moment I spend time at home man. I just wish I could go back to college where my life takes place without interruptions. I sound like a whiny workaholic because I am. I love law more than CNY. *Winks*

Anticipating Friday to come soon. I need my assignments commented.

A Good Day

2010-02-12T21:30:00.007+08:00

I think I had not laughed that hard in such a long time but today, these people made me revive lots of nice memories and tons of happy moments spent together. It feels just like high school, where your friends are there with you.

Lunch at Italiannes @ OU.

Was super syokked after laughing non stop for hours, plus doing the one activity I loved the most: shopping. Finally, my cny clothes dah semua kaotim-ed. YAY!!!

They have cats in OU. Cute~~

PS: Guys, you people are awesome. How I wish you all were not in Paris or JB. And I daresay, our case makes a clear cut example of absence makes the heart fonder scenario. Thanks for everything you have given me. I have nothing to give in return, but my sincere appreciation.

Pissed Off

2010-02-11T22:32:00.002+08:00

Yeah I'm broke. Happy? I've no money for clothes, no money for food, no money to pay my bills, still in serious debt after the IPhone drama. It's near the festive season and I have to cut down despite wanting to hang out with friends and go for visits. I know I should not be angry about being poor, but the thing that pisses me off is what happened just now, when I asked mum for 100 bucks extra because I would be hanging out with my friends tomorrow.

Sis started the drama by telling me not to take money because she wanted some as well. I was like, if you want money take la, why you have to deprive my right of taking money because you want some as well? Then as usual, mum will mumble about us using lots of money and in the end she gave my sis the money she wanted and ended up not giving me. Fine, if you don't want to give me, I'm fine. But this woman went on and provoke me as if I have to beg her for the money. I'm so pissed, I don't even want the money anymore if she even sincerely want to give me.

What kind of justice is this?

I'm exercising tremendous amount of patience not to scream or end up swearing but my blood is boiling inside. I'M SO FREAKING PISSED OFF!!!!!! I don;t mind being mumbled for using much, and I try my best to explain why I'm using money so quickly. And you can't even freaking understand why I have to eat out or use money to print materials and it's okay if you don't but you just can't listen to me explaining. Why the ego and why the ignorance? You bloody well know yourself that you will give me the money but you choose to do so reluctantly and finding pleasure in implying me to BEG for the stupid money. You know I'm desperate and you know I will ask you nicely for the money and tolerate all your nonsense and you find pleasure in that, and you use money as a bait in order to enjoy the status of being superior to my needs and you can use them to ridicule me. But guess what, I don't want your money. I don't have to beg for your money. I rather stay poor than to be your subject matter of insult. This thing has gone out of hands. You used to threaten me with not giving me money in order to pressure me to do things you want them to be done, but this is it. I really don't like being treated with no dignity at all. I want you to know, nothing can buy me to perform anything I don't like, not even money. The most is I don't spend, and that's it.

Now thinking twice whether to go OU tomorrow. No money go shopping for what? Borrow from twins again? Then work like a slave to pay back, like now. I don't even have a good income and I hate to ask money form her. And I'm still in serious debt.

God need to save my soul.

The Idle Mind

2010-02-09T23:12:00.003+08:00

It's pouring outside, at this loony dark night. I thought I was supposed to be doing my assignments but whatever. My mood, doesn't sound pleased to be contemplating such works, or perhaps longing for a due break.

So I'm here, putting some lines in this space with hopes of easing my jumbled up mood or to activate my idle mind, I don't know. The feeling of awkwardness loomed these days, unnatural as it seems. Concentration just simmers as soon as it collects, pathetic. In critical periods like this, the last thing one would need, is a feeling that eats you from inside.

Rainy nights like this, makes me feel weird. I want to go out. Stand in the rain and let it drain away everything that I care about, let the thunder deafen the screams in my mind, amidst the blurred sight let me see myself only. Perhaps solitude can make one linger in profound sadness.

Tonight would be another sleepless night, or a sleep without a dream.

Grocery Shopping

2010-02-07T00:13:00.006+08:00

Before this, I want to tell everyone of a weird incident that happened in college this Wednesday. I was descending the floors by lift to go home after studying till 9pm, and I was alone in the lift. Then the thing suddenly got stuck on the 3rd floor, and the doors opened. And the best thing was the entire floor was closed, and the lights were off and it was stark dark and quiet. And I was like how on earth the doors opened. So I jabbed the buttons to close the doors, but the doors just simply refused to close. I freaked out like nobody's business and started jabbing frantically until the doors started closing, but it was until a small gap was reached, they opened again. Frustrated and scared like ham, I was conflicting whether to stay in the lift and keep jabbing until something comes out and gets me or to exit the crazy lift and take the stairs instead and I would be even dead in the darkness. So, I chose to force the doors to lock by mechanically closing the doors with my hands and I was relieved when the lift finally decided to move and carry me to the ground floor. But I was scared ok? Whatever it is, I'm just super freaked out. ==

*

Random evening out with family to buy stuff to stock our near empty kitchen cabinets. Each family outing will somehow start with some drama and this time, is mum rowing with bro about his homework and stuff. Super hate it when all the shouting goes inside the car because you have to be super careful with words because either saying nothing or saying too much will result in ugly scenarios.

It's just in Carefour near home and it's super crowded, and mum was being unreasonable by keep scolding us for lagging behind, not following her close enough. And she keep glaring us for taking photos. What a day with someone like this.

But she's mum and she pays for stuff we eat, so swallow all the complains.

Sis with spices.

Baked beans =)

*

I hate people who promise things and just take their words for granted, because they just don't give a damn about people who trusted their promises and relied on them and in the end just get loads and loads of disappointment. I know it's me, but I just can't stand this kind of attitude. It's irresponsible and it's naive. And yeah, I hate disappointments. A lot. So to say.

Mood swings these few days. Ignore me.