The Sheer Disappointment

Despite all those lousy exam results during my entire Form 6 life, I still consider myself proficient in English Language. Languages are the only subjects I consider myself strong, one of the best in school. I'm not saying that I'm excellent. It's just that comparatively, I am obviously outstanding the rest.

I always have the thought that I can work myself towards Band 6 in MUET. Despite all my failing grades in the 4 core subjects, I really wished that I could excel in the only subject I pay interest and passion to. The only chance for me to redeem myself over the past 2 years in Form 6, is by at least performing great in at least something.

So much blank hopes and waiting...

MUET results were released this morning. I checked my results online since I cannot leave work and go to school to collect my slip. I was very nervous, and trembled for almost 15 minutes before I got the courage to click on the website.

So that's it. Band 5.

When I saw the band, I was like: Whoa.....Band 5, ONLY?
Then my mind went completely blank. But inside, something weightily fell into the deep pit in my stomach. It all felt so hollow and dark inside. The disappointment was beyond words. If I cried, no tears will flow. If I yelled, no words will come out...


I pictured those times in class, wondering where I did wrong. Was this because I was too arrogant not to pay attention in class? Was it because I held my expectations too high? Maybe I'm not good at all, just the false impression my peers gave me... It's so easy to blame the exam being hard, the conditions were bad, the system sucks, it's too easy.

Those consolations are great, thanks, made an effort, but I can't be better for now. So much for staying by faith's side, now I really knew what disappointment really means.

It's the kind of feeling you get when you fall. Hard.

I whispered:'Band 5 just isn't good enough. It puts me the same as everyone else. I already lost my only hope. I'm nothing at all.'