Divergence in Dreams

It has already been 6 months I have been studying in Form 6. 2008, I am officially in upper 6, the last year I am going to be seen wearing school uniform.

The last year to ponder about the future.

Honestly, I am quite uncertain about my own future; what am I going to be one day, who do I see myself as......My goals are too abstract and inspecific. My friends made a choice and walked their path without doubts; I still have not made my decision yet. Yes, NOT YET.

After PMR, I took a decision to continue in science stream, believing that my strengths and my interests are in this field. I worked hard with enthusiasm for 2 years. It paid off greatly. 10As in SPM. Not great but well paid enough.

After SPM, I made another choice to further my Pre-Universities in Form 6, and to take STPM, the second most difficult exam in the world. I made a choice to be in science stream Biology, again believing that my interests are purely scientific and life science based.

After half year of Form 6, I began to think about all the choices that I have ever made, which lead to this very day I am living in.

Is this so?

Since form 3, I have an ambition, which is to be recognised as a medical surgeon one day. When I visited Damansara Specialist due to a sprained ankle one day, my desire strenghtened. Again one day, I visited a relative in Selayang Hospital. I saw young interns walking in corridors, checking on patients. My cousin, studying in medical school, also set as an example. I watched Grey's Anatomy, Medical Investigation and The Hospital and began to think. Wherever I go, I saw my dreams. And I have worked hard towards it to make them a reality.

But now, I thought otherwise.

I have not been gifted with a talent in science, unlike most of my classmates. I sometimes do not share the same interests with them. Their passion differs a lot with mine. They are people who loved maths, chemistry and enjoyed classes of those subjects. They are people who are good in facts, figures and reality. I sleep my way through maths and skipped chemistry for no apparent reason. Science never found a way to suit me, those years I have survived is due to the reason that I found a way for myself to suit science.

Which explains why I have struggled so much.

I have never liked those subjects I chose.

My interests are mainly in languages and arts. And I am also talented with anything artistic. For me, art is beautiful. We speak through one language, art. Art creates diversity, changes, flexibility, opportunities, life. Art is peaceful and hopeful. I took great interest in art since the day I can hold a pencil in my hands. I can make wonders using my creativity and imagination. Whether it is an article, a painting, a design, or a simple thought, I meant something. And the challenge is for everyone to ponder what am I trying to convey, get the message and understand me more.

The problem is, what am I supposed to do? I have wasted a great part of my life doing something so unlike me, and a great part of my mum's money too. And another problem is, I am not lousy either in my studies, which means, my scientific side. I was the best in Biology and I can manage to squeeze into top 10 in my school for a few years. I am good in what am I doing, but I am also great in what I am good in. The twins used to say that I am a whole rounder, well except for sports. But the problem of being whole rounded is you get uncertain about yourself. People who are damn lousy in something but is great in one specific thing, will have a clear vision about themselves. Who cares if you have no idea how to draw a fish and sings like a toad if you can manage to research about a cure for cancer and make tons of gold out of it. Nobody questioned about Marie Curie and Edison's artistic talents or Rapheal's scientific mind. People who are successful in this world are people who have clear visions, specific talents and interests. If you are in science stream nobody cares if you can paint stumaso style like da vinci. If you are in commerce stream nobody will give a damn if you knew how a amoeba digests a bacteria. If you are in languages stream nobody wants to know how well you knew about the stock exchange. This is reality. And everyone is living in it.

Locke said this from the series 'Lost': "I saw into the eye of the island, and what I saw... It was beautiful". I tried hard to be optimistic about my future, trying to see the good in every bad, the silver lining behind every cloud. I am trying to see the good side of being whole rounded. A classmate of mine said before: 'you're so great in studies, at the same time can handle so much of post in so many activities, and you can play the piano, draw so well and your calligraphy is great too....., people are queuing for these talents'. Yes, people may say that wow, you are damn great to be in possession of so many skills, your future must be damn bright. But hang on. If you are in my possition you will think otherwise. You will undergo a lot of mental struggles, being undecisive. One time you will feel suitable for this, but at the same time you will feel that your otherside talents are wasted. Another time you will feel that if you use your interest as a career, it may not be as rewarding as the one you are by your trained and hard earned skills.

Sometimes, it's good to stay common and have common dreams. Being in possession of extraodinary skills sometimes set as a burden. If I am of no artistic talents and don't know how to play the piano, maybe I will be like most of my peers, studious, loving science and maths. Or if I am always lousy in my studies then maybe I may be like my cousin, great in art and going into MIA for graphic design this May.

It pays for staying great in what you re good in, not good in everything.

I missed myself so much.