Guilt and Greatness

Everyone dreads results day. And for the ever first time in my life, I was so worried about it to the extend I had nightmares about people getting raped and robbed. Scary huh... I knew I had not prepared well and I had not performed well enough.

It was: Shocking, Upsetting, Confusing, Killing, Extra-ordinarily Devastating.
In short, it SUCKED.

To worsen things, sis got the first in her class.

Mum talked about it for about two weeks.

So I was forced to swallow the news and kept quiet for another few days. And finally, I could not stand it. The emotional stress was so pushing, so on one fine day, I rehearsed for a few minutes, took a long breath, and called mum.

Me : I have something to tell.
Mum: What?
Me : Well...
Mum: Later, I am driving.
(phone slams)

So, imagine it when she came home and I talked about it. Imagine people yelling, doors slamming, swearing.......

Honestly, I was so guilty, I cannot even sleep well.

So, I had to put up with military style studying. Honestly, it was so difficult. I am about to give up several times, but I just knew I can't. It's already July. About 3 months for me to catch up with things I had lost. I had to sacrifice lots of things, including things I enjoy and normally do.


I have to do well in STPM. I have to get good grades, get into university, secure a seat in a better course to enable a better future.


A glimpse of my military training base. A mass of papers, notes, diagrams, charts, stationery... My effort is going to determine my destiny.

YEAH! HUITING, MAN, YOU CAN DO IT!!

My all time favorite motivator lay supportively on the chair.


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I will live by my own policies.
I will sleep with a clear conscience.
I will sleep in peace.

'Emperor's New Clothes', Sinead O'Connor