The Moot Post Mortem

I don't know how to properly say this. I had deleted so many entries again and again.

What happened this evening was, we lost the moot. I was upset and disappointed and it's totally normal to feel so, being we had already invested effort and time in it. Firstly, I was upset because I felt that my best wasn't good enough. I could do this better, and if I had lost in such circumstances, I would not be this disappointed. Albeit all the formal: " Never mind, you are already good. You did your best and take this as an experience." speech, I was hoping just anyone, anyone apart from my moot partner, to feel for me, to carry my emotions, and to understand how I had felt and why my disappointment was of such. Though you can say like: " Oh being upset is useless because you did lose." or " So what if you lose, buckle up and do better next year." I know that yes, I should stop mourning and whining about losing and start growing up. And yes, please also be understandable that the taste of failure isn't nice. It's more bitter than I've thought. I know that doing so wouldn't change anything. It is easier said than done. I thought I can be strong and I can move on. But I cannot. I felt I had let myself down, I had failed the expectations of my fellow peers, I had not been the best partner for my partner. I would want someone to feel me. Because I am tired in indulging in disappointment, nor I would like to hear anyone just saying how is this going to change anything. Yes, time would never rewind. I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me: "Yes, yes, this is bad. I understand this. Everything is gonna be fine. Everything is going to be okay." It's this simple, yet, nobody told me. No one.

Secondly I was upset because I felt there was no one there to console me after I had lost. This may be a very selfish thought, but regardless, I felt unappreciated and unimportant at that very moment. I was upset and I was unhappy, and people can be worrying about lunch and company and whatever else. Taking no notice of my feelings. I needed attention and I received none. And of all assistance that I had paid, I get no favour in return. I am not demanding for anything else, just a moment of company, a little bit more attention could had made me felt better. But I was subsidiary as lunch was so important at that time. Like whatever. Perhaps I may be sounding all fucked up but insensitivity is intolerable this time. I was furious and I was on verge of tears. Maybe people may think I can sort this out, I am independent but in times like this, I need assurance and encouragement and all that I know was being let down by people, again and again. This moot is very important to me, and yet, being so insensitive here, it's like, sigh. Things would have be better if something more was done. I wouldn't be feeling so sucky right now with this total fucked up mood right now. I would have known, I would have been consoled, encouraged, appreciated, recognised and respected. All I know now is that I am alone, moping round a fallen battle, unseen and unknown.

Nobody likes the feeling of failure. I will be better and I will be mooting next year, definitely. I would be better and more prepared. This mooting journey had set me and my partner in a roller coaster ride of a near litigation experience, really, one heck of an experience. I grew and I learned in the process. I gained an experience like no one else, I do thank God for showing the way as always. Sue Ann, my moot partner for everything. Cai Lee, Mich, Pek Kwan, Henry for encouragement and advices, and listening to me rant. Fellow mooting teams for everything. Some people here and there for help and support. I have realised one thing that, in anything I do, I have to give in my best and regardless the results, I would be glad because the journey was a fulfilling one. For now, I can concentrate back on my studies again and yes, I'm so gonna do this again.