Don't Know

I am sitting in front of the screen staring at absolutely nothing, except feeling every decent bit of loneliness and solitude creep into me. The silence was so deafening, that I heard my voice screaming words of agony and release, and the only reasonable thing to do, is to just keep on staring and controlling so that those tears which is welling up wouldn't flow from my eyes. Yeah, talk about emo. I am emo. I don't spell fun and jovial and in each happy face I put, it faked a lie. I just don't have reasons to stay thoroughly optimistic, and I easily get disappointed and depressed. Yeah talk again about having faith and stuff. Yeah I do, and I pray and I believe. It's just that, I have lots of these moments enough to hold me down, in nicer words, keep me humble, not to have confidence, denying compliments. Even to the extend of doubting and mistrust. It was ought to put it in a way that life is difficult. You have to go through hardship to mold a better person. In the end what comes out from the box is a Hui Ting who has no heart and cruel and cunning and absolutely has no pity towards anyone because what she thinks is that: They deserve to be lame.

I know that some past is hindering me from savouring good things in life, and the words I don't deserve this keeps popping out whenever I reach my hand out to receive something good. Withdrawal comes before rejection. Disapproval comes before disgust. It always has a way to spoil my rewards, kills off my excitement, dumping shit on my victory. I get numb by standing in the pouring rain, feeling every trickle of humiliation drip over my entire body, though I am shivering inside I have to appear enjoying the rain on the outside. What fuck is this? I wouldn't like to swear, I am tempted to do so, I know this is wrong. But who understands my frustration and desperation, oh but Him? I am meant to be tested before I become someone big, I know. I did not crumble, this is merely a rant. I am truly sorry, this is the story of my life, I know I am going to creep on the corner of the room and start writing the pages, constructing the future of my own, again, His directions.

Again i felt that this signifies that I have very few things in the world. I don't know should I ask for more, or should I thank for contentment? Sometimes depending on divine intervention seems the only way, and I realise after I had wash my eyes, that God is providing in any sense, just that I seem to stubborn to just turn around and see.

Here I am, real and nothing more.

Nothing less.

I am the Hui Ting who everyone knows buys Starbucks every Monday, likes black and doesn't really bother to pay attention during class. Nobody knows that she is not happy and very upset by the fact that she knows that she isn't perfect enough.

Very vain and self centered thoughts, I apologise.
Lord, do not let me be tested beyond my will.