The Good Pretender

I took the advice to keep myself busy and so I hung out with college mates and joked around, wishing the fun could take my pain away. Yeah, college buddies were great, practical jokers and good people. Basically I tried to keep myself busy with books and notes and people. Diverging the attention so that my active mind won't wander towards the solitary extreme.

But when I am alone boarding the train, standing among strangers, my mind just made the imprint so strong, and I just kept thinking about it. And it never went away when I was showering, mixture of salty secretion and cool water draining away. How I wished all those memories could be carried away like that, permanently deleted, washed away. Watching the water draining away, something about staying strong and moving on somehow made me manage to dry my face and look normal as I stepped out of the shower.

I made my commitment strong. I cannot crumble like this anymore, this is very weak and very foolish. In any way you interfere with my life, my emotions will never again swing and made so vulnerable to hurt. Because you are past tense. History. I don't need another chance, because why. I had a good future ahead. I am a future lawyer in making. I have got friends who care. Family who loves. I have my life so interesting with people who can make my day. I have God. And please just remind me that you're just supplementary, secondary and subsidiary. I do not need to turn back and linger because all the things went so wrong then and I am sure it would not have been any better if somehow things proceeded. It already screwed my life once. There shall be no second time. No more chance again. I am moving on, carrying myself perfectly okay.


I dried my eyes and tilted my face and feel Your grace. You are so real, God. I thank you for your unconditional love.