Sunday, November 28, 2010

Too Many Eggs in The Basket

These days, the house is in a state of mess. Piles of furniture and books piled up 70% of the free space in the house, cluttered up each available corner and took up all walking spaces. Every evening when I reach home, I'll just pretend the mess doesn't exist and disappear into my room. Mum's kindergarten business has officially closed and all the entire content of the school in now in my house. The house is in a mess, we are all messed up with the tidying up, and prospect of life afterwards.

It was then Mum accussed me of being distant and selfish. A whole row of argument followed afterwards. It wasn't that simple. Suddenly everyone in the family began to accuse me of being a baigalui, the prodigal daughter. Mum told me to leave the house, aunt and grandma started to scold me, and sided mum. I felt utterly upset and angry. I was just doing what I am supposed to do. As far as I am concerned, I am supposed to study and make my future bright. However according to everyone else, I am suppose to pay more attention to my family, and with the life I am leading now, I am apparently not giving them enough care and love.

Now I'm confused. I thought by giving in all I can acheive more. I did more than I could. I scored in my exams. I worked to support myself. I engage myself in social activities like what you encouraged. I did more than what I can. I wanted to make you proud. But you were dissapointed in me instead. I'm discouraged, on top of that, I'm unhappy. I'm not enjoying my life as how you think. I'm under constant stress and I do not disclose some of my unhealthy habits of getting away because I don't want you to worry. Accordingly you assume I'm living too comfortably. I'm not. I'm tired and I'm stressed out. I have no students in December and I may need to resort to skipping meals again to save money. I have problems in college which you always fail to take interest in. On top of that I have a dream to pursue which is constantly struck down by disapproval and discouragement of others. I'm tough enough not to show it on the outside, but nobody knows how it hurts on the inside. Every word where you deem me incapable, is heartbreaking enough to leave me emotional. I'm expecting you to uphold my dreams together with me and providing me with support and encouragement, but you did the very contrary, telling me I can't be successful, I can't earn more, I can't be happy. It's okay, everytime I just swallow the hurt and move on with life.

I can understand your stress and demands, but most of the time, I am preoccupied with my own. A lot of things work if we could exercise some give and take, and to understand better. We could talk. I'm always very afraid to talk to you and you know why. I don't like those wrods of insult and discouragement. Perhaps, next time when I come back from college, ask me instead, how was my day? Not ask me to help you out with your problems and bombard me with all your naggings. Do not focus on things that I cannot do or fail to do but instead, focus on things which I have did and acknowledge them. We have a maid in the house, hence, don't always instruct us to do things. It is not the way to bind the family together, it will only crack things apart. There are so many ways to be happy together without the scrifice of effort and hard work. Can we be normal? Can we be like other people? Can we be a family? Can I not dread the end of everyday where I need to go home? We already have so much, can we just give a little more to make everything better?

It's already 10 years, 10 fucking years. Do not go back everytime problems arise. It was never the source of each problem we have. What is gone has gone and it may change us, but it does not destine who we can be. Everyone in the family is affected by the loss, yes we all are, in our own ways, but we cope with it and we move on. And since it's 10 years, just stop mentioning it. I get very angry each time you mention it because it is not a convenient label for anyone to attach everything to it. We get scholarship because we have good results, not because we have no father. Smilarly, it's not because of dad leaving that makes life difficult. It is you yourself who cannot detach yourself who make your life hard, and makes it even hard for us to tolerate your behaviour. And yes, I cannot make life easier for you when you do not make life easier for yourself. I am not Dad, stop telling me to take up his responsibilities. I cannot do too many things in a time.

It has been 10 years I'm tolerating all these shit. Events and events of unhappy moments. Moments after moments of intense fear and worry. It just clogs up hope and happiness which I deserve, that I lost so much of my teenagehood living in fear of reprimands and insults, and dreaming of the day of financial independency. Like how many times my books get thrown across the room, rehearsing how to ask allowance from you. It has been long, and it had to stop before I get tired of all these nonsense and decide to do something stupid.

Who am I today is a product of the accumulated past. They say it's a lack of love. I have to concede with regards to the point.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


It was so close, that she could see the particles of dust upon the glass window panes. Outside, the street lights glowed orange. She felt the darkness creeping nearer by distance; the darkness of solitude she was so familiar with. The silence which works, walking in tandem added insult to injury. People were from far, she closed her eyes trying to recognise the voice she knew by heart in the midst of whispers. But nowhere could assurance be found. Nothing came.

She knew how agony cures another; it is all feelings in the end. Since the start. Allow the flesh receive similar as the heart could bear, she would want to do, and with vengeance so sweet. Stealing is a crime, that when your heart could no longer throb in your body because it has been stolen.

It was the sound she had been yearning to hear, regardless the words. Substance has been long disregarded, the aftermath had took place by default. Everyone should know, but she knew better. She was enveloped with immense pleasure when she saw the blade penetrated the mass of soft meat, the splatter of blood which rained on her face, crimson. It was a toast of a celebration. Like how everything works, it is the death of one, with the birth of another. The person she knew well died that day when the heart was stolen away; the birth of another is one creature without a heart.

She has got the courtesy to change the sheets and clean the floor. As water washes away the blood, she realises she has a larger burden to dispose of now.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I have deleted so many entries yet the frustration still lingers. As much as I want to express myself freely in my own damn blog, I also know the certain level of privacy that I must have in order to protect myself. So it's a choice between venting out the temporary anger I harbour or to shut up and make everybody's lives easier.


In short, I feel so lonely here.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sex Appeal

Maroon Five has got it all. Everything to make music worth listening. I love them, and I love the music more. Most importantly, I love it when the music makes me high.

For one hell of an orgasmic music ride, try Give A Little More. Thanks Darryl. =)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Saturday morning was as usual, the usual kid I teach, and coming back home for brunch before sending bro to tuition. After dropping him, I was at diverging thoughts of whether to take the usual way-using Jln Kuching to college, or to use another alternative, which is to take LDP. My instincts told me to follow the unsolicited, usual route; and clearly, the jam on the opposite direction shows the positive. However, the adamant side of my head told me to make a U-turn and hence I found myself driving along LDP, using another way to college. I felt the ping of guilt deep down, but I ignored, focusing my mind on getting to my destination.

Shortly after I realised the practical reality posed itself evident. I was unfamiliar with the route and I was constantly referring to my phone for directions. On several occassionas, I was not focusing much on the road and I swerved quite some times to sharply take bypassed junctions. Deep down, I know something is not right. And it was when I was stuck in a bumper to bumper move along Sprint flyover in front of Tropicana City Mall, I realised that I was moving too fast into the stationary car in front of me, and when I slammed on the brakes, I cannot manage myself to stop in time. I banged the front car, which as a result of the impact, banged the car in front as well.

I was of course, overwhelmed by extreme shock and being unable to control my fear, I cried. When my aunt and friends came to help, I cried again. Upon listening to the price quotation for the damaged caused, which was jibainiama 5K, I cried again. I think the people whom their cars were banged by me was pretty scared by me crying non stop so they did not really talk to me, but insurance covered up the cost pretty much. My car is okay and working, unlike the two which I hit. Besides kena-ing saman, I pretty do not have much to settle. Of course, the domestic violence of getting shot left right centre front back by mum was inevitable. And I'm banned from driving. The accident gave me a one hell of a lifetime lesson to learn, but also gave me the experience of the first time engaging in an accident and handling all the consequences myself.

I thank God that I'm fine and the car is working, still. I also thank God for aunt who came and helped me settle the issues, Dan and Erna who accompanied me to report and talked me through. All friends who called to care. I'm truly blessed. Thanks a lot people, loves. No regrets for that one whole day.