Diverged

I realised it's finally time for me to focus. December is here and ain't funny. I'd be howling if my name isn't on the list next year, but again, it's a goal, not to speculate anything. I really really want to pull through Part One, and I want to score better than my Intermediate.

But I found myself slumping, being pulled back by other distractions. Today is a public holiday and God knows why I'm not doing anything but sleeping. ISH! God please don't punish me. I'm so gonna buckle up!

I want to be hardworking!

Too Many Eggs in The Basket

These days, the house is in a state of mess. Piles of furniture and books piled up 70% of the free space in the house, cluttered up each available corner and took up all walking spaces. Every evening when I reach home, I'll just pretend the mess doesn't exist and disappear into my room. Mum's kindergarten business has officially closed and all the entire content of the school in now in my house. The house is in a mess, we are all messed up with the tidying up, and prospect of life afterwards.

It was then Mum accussed me of being distant and selfish. A whole row of argument followed afterwards. It wasn't that simple. Suddenly everyone in the family began to accuse me of being a baigalui, the prodigal daughter. Mum told me to leave the house, aunt and grandma started to scold me, and sided mum. I felt utterly upset and angry. I was just doing what I am supposed to do. As far as I am concerned, I am supposed to study and make my future bright. However according to everyone else, I am suppose to pay more attention to my family, and with the life I am leading now, I am apparently not giving them enough care and love.

Now I'm confused. I thought by giving in all I can acheive more. I did more than I could. I scored in my exams. I worked to support myself. I engage myself in social activities like what you encouraged. I did more than what I can. I wanted to make you proud. But you were dissapointed in me instead. I'm discouraged, on top of that, I'm unhappy. I'm not enjoying my life as how you think. I'm under constant stress and I do not disclose some of my unhealthy habits of getting away because I don't want you to worry. Accordingly you assume I'm living too comfortably. I'm not. I'm tired and I'm stressed out. I have no students in December and I may need to resort to skipping meals again to save money. I have problems in college which you always fail to take interest in. On top of that I have a dream to pursue which is constantly struck down by disapproval and discouragement of others. I'm tough enough not to show it on the outside, but nobody knows how it hurts on the inside. Every word where you deem me incapable, is heartbreaking enough to leave me emotional. I'm expecting you to uphold my dreams together with me and providing me with support and encouragement, but you did the very contrary, telling me I can't be successful, I can't earn more, I can't be happy. It's okay, everytime I just swallow the hurt and move on with life.

I can understand your stress and demands, but most of the time, I am preoccupied with my own. A lot of things work if we could exercise some give and take, and to understand better. We could talk. I'm always very afraid to talk to you and you know why. I don't like those wrods of insult and discouragement. Perhaps, next time when I come back from college, ask me instead, how was my day? Not ask me to help you out with your problems and bombard me with all your naggings. Do not focus on things that I cannot do or fail to do but instead, focus on things which I have did and acknowledge them. We have a maid in the house, hence, don't always instruct us to do things. It is not the way to bind the family together, it will only crack things apart. There are so many ways to be happy together without the scrifice of effort and hard work. Can we be normal? Can we be like other people? Can we be a family? Can I not dread the end of everyday where I need to go home? We already have so much, can we just give a little more to make everything better?

It's already 10 years, 10 fucking years. Do not go back everytime problems arise. It was never the source of each problem we have. What is gone has gone and it may change us, but it does not destine who we can be. Everyone in the family is affected by the loss, yes we all are, in our own ways, but we cope with it and we move on. And since it's 10 years, just stop mentioning it. I get very angry each time you mention it because it is not a convenient label for anyone to attach everything to it. We get scholarship because we have good results, not because we have no father. Smilarly, it's not because of dad leaving that makes life difficult. It is you yourself who cannot detach yourself who make your life hard, and makes it even hard for us to tolerate your behaviour. And yes, I cannot make life easier for you when you do not make life easier for yourself. I am not Dad, stop telling me to take up his responsibilities. I cannot do too many things in a time.

It has been 10 years I'm tolerating all these shit. Events and events of unhappy moments. Moments after moments of intense fear and worry. It just clogs up hope and happiness which I deserve, that I lost so much of my teenagehood living in fear of reprimands and insults, and dreaming of the day of financial independency. Like how many times my books get thrown across the room, rehearsing how to ask allowance from you. It has been long, and it had to stop before I get tired of all these nonsense and decide to do something stupid.

Who am I today is a product of the accumulated past. They say it's a lack of love. I have to concede with regards to the point.

Balance

I have deleted so many entries yet the frustration still lingers. As much as I want to express myself freely in my own damn blog, I also know the certain level of privacy that I must have in order to protect myself. So it's a choice between venting out the temporary anger I harbour or to shut up and make everybody's lives easier.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

In short, I feel so lonely here.

The Night I Couldn't Sleep

My heart is burning and I just want to say :

1. If you're married, stay fucking away from my friend because she's a girl and you don't play with her feelings and tear her future apart. Have some integrity, would you?

2. If you have a great heart, you will forgive me, and you will not judge me based on what I've done.

3. If I can balance my life, so much so that I can study, produce good results, work and financially support myself; you be proud of having me as a daughter, instead of wanting more and more from me. Don't stop me from being young and burden me with your conservative principles in life. I know they're meant well, but I'm just not that type of person who can sit still. I want to enjoy life and play as much as I can. And why you worry? You think every parent can attend convocation during their kid's first year in college ka?

4. If you are still a friend, please show me who you are to me.

* Disclaimer: All the 'you-s' as above do not refer to a single person. Multiple defendants here XD

*

On a lighter tone, RAC ATC just held their 3rd Installation Charity Dinner last Saturday. Since coming into office for three months, I've been privilleged to hold responsibility of tasks which I never knew could handle, and in due process, made me a better person, and widened my horizons. The experience is priceless, and though in sacrifice, I've got no regrets=) *Macam president's speech pulak. That Saturday afternoon, 16 of us crashed into my house which is mini sized and occupied the entire living room. I think my maid is still in shock because she had never seen so many noisy people in her life. The highlight of the day is receiving so many incoming calls for directions to Sri Damansara Club until I feel like scolding people. Anyway, it was all over and finally, cliche to say: back to books again=)


Proud to be a part of an awesome crew!

Till The End of Time

A few series of ridiculous issues happened a stringful, consecutively and exaggeratedly; of course I was beyond pissed off, but I kept my cool and pretended. Firstly, I was accused being a smoker, alcoholic, clubber and frequently playing truant. I was like WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS? I have results that people dream to get and I admit I'm no smartass, I get my results by pure effort and continous hard work and that, failed to be noticed? Second thing, I was being police investigation like checked which includes calling my close friends which was like DOUBLE FUCK. Third is I was being stripped off my freedom of going out and can be said, grounded for eternity. I cannot attend my friend's birthday celebration which I felt sorry for. Another more contentious issue I felt sorry for is not being given the chance of vis-a-vis clarifying the entire issue of asking my friends to cover up for me. Most importantly, I am forced to turn down the invitation the very last minute, aka flying thier aeroplane. The fark.


*


Saturday afternoon, attended Darryl's 21st in Parkroyal. Party did not end there but was carried forward in Green Box and Zouk later on. Food and fellowship was great.


Disclaimer: pics are stolen, thank you.

And I'll miss you guys like crazy, and love you forever.
I only say it cause I mean it,
I only mean it cause it's true.

Lazy Afternoons

Took a nap at 11am under the spinning ceiling fan. Two mattresses merged into one. Listening to Queen and thinking about gays, jobs and pancakes. The air was definitely hotter than Mexico.

I'm speculating about Mexico.

But I can do a getaway there. Heard that Cancun is not bad for lazy afternoons like this, on a beach.


I HATE WORK. FUCK YOU WORK!!!!!!!

The Good Girl

I do self proclaim, that I am indeed one.
But why does moderation in life invites challenges I do not foresee?
On one hand, does the sacrifice worth the redemption of satisfaction?
I cannot contemplate complexities that life throws me.

To Mum

Yeah it's true that everything in the world is not just evolving around studies, and it's true to have life amidst the hiatus, exercise better time management and be smart instead of just working hard. But I can't because apparently I'm too stupid.

The pendulum swings in favour of perspective.
Yeah, I'm a nerd with no life.

Fuck me.

Stronger

No regrets of going to this place for law. I have deleted so many entries again and again. In short, I love you: Von, Sue Ann, JJ, Soo Wen, Daniel, Bird, Henry and everyone else who I feel your sincerity. Listening, is great help. At least for my case.

The thing that I've always dreaded happened again. I'm so close in letting myself giving in for little things until I halted myself and STOP!!!! Look at were are you stepping to Hui Ting! Don't ever be sidetracked by insignificant stuff! It's quite a cliche to feel gloomy these days. Happens every other day. If it's not for exam stress it would be nonsensical jealousy, or the dilemma of familial responsibilities, or even PMS, or bitches. I lack energy, I think. I just want to go to bed because I feel tired after crying.

But the Hui Ting I knew is tough, brave and determined. So, if life give me CHALLENGES, so CHALLENGES will make me tougher, make me a fighter, strengthen my willpower, make me a better warrior in the course of life.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

To (whatever challenges including arseholes who have the potential to ruin my willpower) YOU, I'll never GIVE UP, not even in your fucking face of ignorance, not even in adversity, not even in a million years! You dream on and fuck out of my life. I need to be in constant positive energy of motivation, in the atmosphere of belief and encouragement. Not of the attitude of non-appreciation.

I quote Dr Seuss:

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!

Blame Factor

What exactly I'm feeling now is a mixture of confusion and depression. I'm enraged. This world. You can't fit the term fairness in.

Say whatever you like about me. I DON'T CARE.

What I'm doing now is my ACCOUNTABILITY to myself. I want to do this because I want to. Whatever the outcome will be, I know that at the very least, I had played my part, and I played it well. So screw you if you ever dare to judge me for whatever I do.

It's a matter of principle.

Day 60

Henry told me to get some rest today because according to him, I looked like a zombie. He told me to fear the worst, that under great pressure, I'll go stark blank on the very day of the exams.

Firstly, I wasn't even working hard enough. If I were so I wouldn't be blogging this.
Secondly, God forbid, I'll never go blank in the exam hall.
Thirdly, passing and scoring are two different things. One needs hard work and another needs an additional element of stratergy and sacrifice. My hard work, is not enough.

Eyebags are the first symptomps of stress.

I don't mind sacrificing, just that I do wish I could score with excellent results, as a reward of what I've put in.

Again, they say the best will come for those who work for it. =)

*

Nobody can do anything to help me right now, unless your help comes in the form of RM2K. I'm sick of being in debt and being unable to pay bills and unable to work and exercise financial freedom thanks to a hectic schedule and an overworried mum. And don't treat me too well, people. I don't know how to repay you in future. My problems, I'll settle myself. Don't pity me because I'm cutting down on food and stationery because I cannot afford to have them regularly to save for paying debts and bills. I thank you guys for the concern, but it makes me look cheap and poor and incapable. Because I'm not, and I don't deserve to be helped due to my irrational and instinct-based decisions I had made in the past. If I need anything, in desperation, I'll ask for assistance. And I'll make sure your good deeds are repayed.

A Waste of Time

It is justified: I never liked holidays. They spoil my mood to study, spoil my schedule for revision. One fine day at home, I pledged to myself, to finish VLE and to start off contract revision. It's minutes to the next day and I'm stuck on the first page since I opened my notes at 12pm. VLE untouched. The only thing that has been changing was the tin of biscuits in which the contents are diminishing as I went through pointless hours sitting on the table flipping through without concentrating.

I was thinking. If I had to attend college and I would be sitting in the library, at least 70% of my focus would suffice a thorough read on a topic.

Now I'm achieving nothing and worst, I'm full with deep regret. The psychological effect works worse, trust me.

I know I can blame no one, still, I blame, firstly, the weather, for providing a perfect sauna for sweat dripping purposes. It's friggin hot even after the rain. Next, mum for providing all the noise in the world. When I wanted to get into the mood, she came and spoil it by nagging and scolding about everything that she lays her sight on. Seriously and honestly I'm pissed and I can't concentrate. Thirdly, I blame the TV for distracting me.

Ultimately, my self discipline sucks to a max.

*Chiew Ee did 14 hours of non stop revision, and I wonder when I could reach that standard of discipline. What I'm doing now is obviously not enough to render me above the rest. =(

Pissed Off

Yeah I'm broke. Happy? I've no money for clothes, no money for food, no money to pay my bills, still in serious debt after the IPhone drama. It's near the festive season and I have to cut down despite wanting to hang out with friends and go for visits. I know I should not be angry about being poor, but the thing that pisses me off is what happened just now, when I asked mum for 100 bucks extra because I would be hanging out with my friends tomorrow.

Sis started the drama by telling me not to take money because she wanted some as well. I was like, if you want money take la, why you have to deprive my right of taking money because you want some as well? Then as usual, mum will mumble about us using lots of money and in the end she gave my sis the money she wanted and ended up not giving me. Fine, if you don't want to give me, I'm fine. But this woman went on and provoke me as if I have to beg her for the money. I'm so pissed, I don't even want the money anymore if she even sincerely want to give me.

What kind of justice is this?

I'm exercising tremendous amount of patience not to scream or end up swearing but my blood is boiling inside. I'M SO FREAKING PISSED OFF!!!!!! I don;t mind being mumbled for using much, and I try my best to explain why I'm using money so quickly. And you can't even freaking understand why I have to eat out or use money to print materials and it's okay if you don't but you just can't listen to me explaining. Why the ego and why the ignorance? You bloody well know yourself that you will give me the money but you choose to do so reluctantly and finding pleasure in implying me to BEG for the stupid money. You know I'm desperate and you know I will ask you nicely for the money and tolerate all your nonsense and you find pleasure in that, and you use money as a bait in order to enjoy the status of being superior to my needs and you can use them to ridicule me. But guess what, I don't want your money. I don't have to beg for your money. I rather stay poor than to be your subject matter of insult. This thing has gone out of hands. You used to threaten me with not giving me money in order to pressure me to do things you want them to be done, but this is it. I really don't like being treated with no dignity at all. I want you to know, nothing can buy me to perform anything I don't like, not even money. The most is I don't spend, and that's it.

Now thinking twice whether to go OU tomorrow. No money go shopping for what? Borrow from twins again? Then work like a slave to pay back, like now. I don't even have a good income and I hate to ask money form her. And I'm still in serious debt.

God need to save my soul.

The 107th Day

My initial plan of studying in Starbucks with my less liquid more ice Java Chip Frap was quashed due to the the random plan of watching Legion after Sunday SPS. Thanks to the dude as below:



Thank you very much Von for spoiling my study plans but ultimately I'm glad we watched this movie. Shortness of kaki-s for movies is a current social issue due to packed class schedules and tight assignments. However we looked like idiots carrying tons of books around in Pavilion before movie starts and shopping is superb difficult due to locomotion limitations. Ended up in Mercato doing grocery shopping with a trolley filled with our books and bags dumped into.


Outing with Von brings me back to the memories when we first started Law in ATC where we often hang out together. Then was like nine months ago. Now things change; she has her group and I have mine. But it still doesn't stop us for being good friends because I do cherish her a lot. From movie outings to karaoke sessions to Redang trip. Wooohooo. Syokked =)

In summary: You, me love. Nyak nyak^^

Review on Legion:
Firstly I was utterly shocked by the content because it was uber blasphemous, portraying religion issues like whoa. Of course if you take it in the fiction manner then it would be a different point of view. Secondly it wasn't action packed, enough. And the plot was a bit jumbled up I think. And lots of cliche in storyline. Was okay, wasn't impressive enough. Thank God Paul Bettany was in there, or else I would have been pissed off. Like him like totally.

*

Over dinner mum suddenly pointed out that I looked like crap and doubtfully I went and look in the mirror after that. Almost got the shock in my life after seeing myself because my face look blotchy and super fatigue worn. First, I acknowledge the presence of hormones these days due to PMS but complexion effect hasn't taken place so major before. Last time there was acne and all but now it's just very serious. Yesterday I kept washing my face like about six times using cleanser because the condition was so unbearable. Plus PMS had made me lost temper like never before till I rowed with mum and throw books off my desk. Then PMS affected me in such I can't concentrate in doing my revision. And I kept feasting on chocolate in hopes to lift up my jumbled up mood and also, to satisfy such random cravings. Crap. PMS plus stress equals to disaster.

Hating every minute to exam.

The Ugly Truth

Apologies for the lack of happenings nowadays. I'm a boring dude so I hang around at home, half geek, half nerd. Sue me or *toot* off. Be my guest.

PS: I deleted so many entries. Because I'm so hating this and I'm trying to vent out whatever bullcrap I have in mind with a twisted manner so that it won't hurt any parties, and most importantly, it won't hurt my reputation. But screw it whatever. I'm just gonna say that:

I'M FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING HATING THIS MAD, INSANE, LOUSY DAMN HELL OF A WORLD!
AND WHAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME WHO ACT AS IF THEY CARE BUT ACTUALLY THEY JUST CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THE PEOPLE THEY LITERALLY FUCK IN THEIR LIVES?

I'm so gonna repent for using so many vulgar words at once.

When I complain, it's not that I want a solution, so quit telling me to confront that person and solve the matter in his/her face, because it won't work. It merely makes matters worse. Respect is another element of importance in friendship, besides just trust. Everyone has a different situation, a different attitude, a different approach. So unifying all the solutions and make them into one so called best way is foolish. I complain for a sole reason: to seek an audience. To just simply listen. It's just so freaking simple but everyone is like going around, saying, well, tell her in her face, not to us, which pisses me off because why you're offering me a solution when I did not ask you for one? I just need a bloody damn ear to listen. Be a damn good hell of a shoulder for me to lean and cry on is all I ask for. And when I tell, I get misinterpreted, judged for my choice. Which is totally wtf.

I'm not angry nor do I hold any grudges. I'm just desperate, frustrated, and tired. I just hope that people who I love would understand better, at least, show concern so that I won't feel so alone. Sigh. I had a bad day, that's it. Tomorrow will be a better one I hope.

PS: Blogging is so good. When men fail, He never. Blogging is one way to seek refuge, to heal aching wounds and cry with scorching tears when in pain. When I blog, after people fail to listen and understand me, I know I can submerge in the world of my own words and I know He reads my feelings and heals me in time. It's like writing a letter to Him and extending my prayers in another context. Though not so personal, but I know I'm touched.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I'm mean. I really am.

I've been sleep deprived and moody these days. I get upset and disappointed quickly not to say that I'm extremely snappish and it stems from my own temper being fluctuating and those events which nicely falls on the period where I'm having a swingy mood.

Not funny at all.

First of all, mocks, is haunting me. The idea of having the exams with less than one week of time to prepare simply just left me idealess where to start. Cliche to say but, so much to do, so little time. I've been slacking and work has piled up towards a tremendous extend. What pisses me off is that I'm not having to motivation to catch up and I blame temptations. And I'm actually lecturing my friends to start studying. Oh how oxymoron is that.

Then I had a row with my mum. We're not exactly in nice terms. Sigh.

Some articles and stuff disturbs me. I felt my distance with God had somehow widened, and I have to seriously meditate more on my faith. Nowadays my strength is easily shaken and I know, with God, everything is possible. I want everything to be true to me. I want my life to be meaningful but as I open my eyes to the world, it seems suddenly vague and surreal to reach an ideal image of life. Well, it seems that I've been expecting to much. Nevertheless, time with God is still a must and in the event men fail, God never does. He's still the best.

I have financial crisis. I seriously do.

I hate the feeling of feeling alone. It sucks.

I'm pathetic. I pray for a good day tomorrow. It has to be one.

The Hate Post

I AM TELLING THIS STRAIGHT TO YOUR FREAKING FACE:

IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOTING TEAM, STOP ACTING AS IF YOU KNOW US WELL! WE WON NOT BECAUSE OUR OPPOSING TEAM IS WEAK! WE PUT IN EFFORT AND JUST FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ANY!

I get freaking pissed when people are like 'ooh ooh you guys won the moot. Who were you against? Inter July is it? No wonder la can win.'

EH, IF YOU'RE MOTHERFUCKA BLIND NOT TO SEE US WIN BY EFFORT, MIGHT WELL AS YOU GO FUCK THE WALL AND SHUT UP BECAUSE IT'S SO UNREASONABLE TO SAY WE WON BECAUSE THEY WERE FROM ANOTHER INTAKE?

Please lar...Your brains have balls is it?
Inter July people are not THAT poor as you think they are. Just that you're from another intake or year means that you're better than they are? If they put in more effort they stand a chance to succeed more than you ding dongs who sit there and watch as if you knew the world.

AND MIND YOU, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO ENTER THE MOOT COMPETITION. SO STOP STANDING THERE AND JUSTIFYING EVERYONE OUT OF YOUR OWN JUDGMENT!
YOU'RE NOT WORTHY TO!

WE WON FAIR AND SQUARE BECAUSE WE PUT IN EFFORT AND WE DID IT. STRAIGHT ON YOUR FREAKING FACE. ASTONISHED?

It is not that if you're born with talents and you can get anything you want. Success comes after effort and hard work. If you're smart but you're lazy, that's it. You still fail in the end. People who are average, never mind. Others do it once, you double the work. You work harder. in the end you reap success. It's justified.

SO I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU TELL ME HOW 'GREAT' YOU ARE. TO ME, YOU'RE BUT NOTHING. UNWORTHY TO JUDGE ME. AND PLEASE, YOU'RE NOT THE BEST. STOP TELLING ME TO WORSHIP YOUR FACE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE VOMITING.

All the best for the semis. Darn pissed off right now.

Stressed Out

It has been so long since I had not been waking up with a reluctant mood after being interrupted by my alarm clock. Last week was hectic. I went to college everyday to prepare myself for the moot court competition and find myself sinking into deeper modes of mixed panic and frustration. Things never got better when competition is next Wednesday and I had tantamount stuff unprepared, with Sue Ann my partner stressing as well, with normal classes proceedings to get along with, ie assignments, time tests, revision. Even when I tried to relax I can't because I have this heavy burden in my stomach which refused to shift. Sigh.

Back to the fact I woke up at one today. Mum was furious and screamed (literally) about me having too much sleep. CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THE FUCK SHE IS SAYING? That's it. I am PISSED OFF. Nobody gave a freaking damn when I cracked my brains trying to figure out what to say, and obviously nobody saw my effort. And of course nobody knew I woke up abruptly during nights where the thought of loosing struck me, being unable to sleep even when I was tired. I admit I suck in managing stress. I do and it sucked. And speaking of ME I am juggling between work, school and this additional competition. Not to mention it's exams month now meaning my student's problems are my problems. They want extra classes I have to comply. Geeeezzz...And having PMS now plus the fact of loosing my phone exactly like right now isn't helping at all. I had already not exercised for two weeks in a row.

Nobody can actually feel what I am feeling right now. So don't assume I am having a great time hanging out in college with my friends because in fact I am having a massive head spin with ATC's stupid air cond which freezes people to death, facing papers and books and computers trying to figure out what we have to say and what our opponents are going to say.

In short I am stressed to the max. And I am currently broke. GREAT DEAL.


Motivate me.
Keep me sane, Lord.

PMS

Having this course of PMS pisses me off to the max. My mood swing was extremely terrible since yesterday and the stomach cramps and muscle aches on my calves doesn't help AT ALL. I was feeling very discouraged, frustrated and very very lethargic. Towards the extent of feeling to scold and slap someone or to throw furniture across the room. Urgh, violence. I hate myself like this, being unable to control emotions and exercise mental stability. I keep demanding everyone to be nice towards me and throwing unreasonable tantrums, with the hope of them tolerating and understanding, which I ask you, who will?

Can anyone out there give me a hug for free?

=(

Dreaming Out Loud

I acknowledge the fact life is almost a fiction to me. Behind slurry words writing the passage of routine winding story that makes sure everything is in order, some things just can't meant to be arranged for me. Dramas happened as if I were homecoming queen, but the very irony I am a super ordinary girl from a lame place with little dreams, which got a bit ambitious because people influence each other and culture shapes personality and provoke views.

I was assured that making a choice to just benefit myself is almost a sin, oh let there be barriers in dreaming big because I am not allowed by some people around me who fear risks. I had always begged to differ, and I believe I did. To choose very differently without minding all the judgment is a challenge. I would not let my best interests to be affected by anyone. Nothing shall go in way of ambition.

Yet today I am faced with two paths diverged, to give way to admiration, sacrificing what I deserve in someone else, or to be blessed in something simple yet genuine, but to let go of everything I desire. To fame in respect or to indulge in self righteousness. That day God told me to persevere and I shall reap my blessings. I trust God with all my heart, but to claim myself the blessing, am I worthy because afterall, I am another damned sinner, ruthless and selfish, proclaiming wisdom and pleasures like hunger stricken.

This is the confessions of a very realistic girl who had gave up on believing patience is the key. The more you wait the more disappointment you get. All that happens now is a matter of running and grasping the best that comes by. If that is an opportunity you shall benefit, if not then take it as an experience and hitch up. The run of life is too short to wait and I just believe that there is something I can live without anyway, and guess what it is? Do the thinking.