UM or UOL?

After the false exhilaration upon announcement of the public university intake, the reality of making a decision fell. One of the toughest decisions in my life, to choose public uni or not. Weighing between the pros and cons. The for and against. The advices and the criticisms. All the consideration and thinking and thinking and thinking. Argh! I am in a serious dilemma. Story of my life.

*credits to all the people in my life who gave me the advice and all that I need to know.*

Yeah I got UM aka one of the best public u in the land so what?


This afternoon a parcel arrived from UM with all that I need to know for orientation and accommodation. I was like: 'What the? I have not even made up my mind and now I am supposed to respond. What am I supposed to do?'

I like law and I want to pursue a degree in it.
UM is a very prestigious public university.
And best of all I can stay away from the madhouse in hostel.
And it's so freaking cheap.
And it's my first option in the portal.
But can I handle a double degree?
Will my mum afford fees for both degrees?
Will I be able to risk the sacrifice of my social life?
Will I miss my college friends and a part of my life with them?

I don't know.
And I have like one freaking week to decide.
God help me.

What I Want in Life

For long I had regard myself as a very ambitious person, maybe my attitude suggests otherwise but I am pretty serious about getting what I want. I work my way to pursue and I pay effort to achieve. I was slightly demotivated by the fact that my STPM results were way below expectations and the circumstances that caused it had left a very displeasing memory in my mind. Upon starting law school, I promised myself that in any way, I will never let myself and people's judgments bring me down. I will prove and I will make my way towards someone honourable in the legal profession.

I read Law of Attraction that day and the question of 'What I want in life?' hit me. I began to think about the desires I lusted. And it came to the conclusion that I want wealth, success and fame. Conclusively, it was definitely a very general picture, and anyway, I pictured my future in my mind, and I thought about this: Life of abundance. Valued with integrity and bliss. Now, it doesn't contrasts must between what I lusted and what I want, just the latter being more realistic and the former being pure greed and vanity. But just how I am going to savour it using different taste buds when one of the outcomes was achieved.

So, to manifest good thoughts, I must be persistent and of confidence and never once doubt. So, yeah. I want to be famous in the legal profession once I hit 26. (Hint: Note that I am now 19, LL.B is three years, make that 22 when I complete. CLP will take one year, and make that 23. Nine months internship would make me 24 when I step to society) I want to drive a Porsche, live in a bungalow, drape and wear branded stuff, dine exclusively, socialise accordingly. I want my family to prosper. I want them to be happy. I want their material needs to be fulfilled. I want my children to afford better education and services. I want my friends to acknowledge my success. I want them to stand as the same class as I am going to be. I want to stay humble and noble and I want to serve society and religion. I want to support the cause of protecting the environment by financial and effort means. Above all, I want my life to be of abundance and succulence of providing the necessity to honour His name.

God will give me what I deserve, I know. If anything happens, it happens for a reason, and all is in His hands. For He will give me a better future. He secure my needs and fulfills my wants. I shall keep faith alive. =) I will keep praying.


You complete me.

Legum Baccalaureus

After all brain-wrecking chaos and arguments all over the house, and all over my worn mind, the oh-so-crucial-life-decision is made. One fine night when I was free, I got mum to sit down and had a long talk about it. Questions about my future, starts off which the course I am supposed to pursue, then about my career, my life later.

"Actually, you better consider properly after so long, you know, this is your life, I can just provide advices and guidelines. The final decision is still up to you. If you think you're not confident in sciences, don't do, because you're just wasting effort. Instead utilise your strengths. If you think your language is good, do something related to language. Language opens to a lot of options. But one thing to tell you. The world out there isn't simple. Society is complicated. What you study isn't going to put really into real practice. Seen people who are engineers becoming salesman? Seen people who are teachers becoming businessmen? The world is very practical. A degree is just a passport to get employment. The rest of your performance, lies largely on your attitude towards life. One word, ATTITUDE."

Therefore, I knew that I still had a very important choice to make. The decision which would probably change my life forever. It was about 2am in the morning, we sat there in silence.

"Think about it, make that decision when you're ready," she said.

When everybody went to bed, I prayed in darkness and silence.




This morning I woke up at 7am despite the lack of rest. I went to mum, woke her up, and told her,

"I want to do law."

She asked me: "You serious?"

"I am."

*silence*

I broke it. "Classes start next Monday, so I'm going for registration on that day then I'm going for class."

"Yeah, you should. Because your language is good, and law uses a lot of language, and you're the type of person who is good in memorising stuff, so go for it. One thing, don't slack like you did in From 6. You already screwed form 6, don't screw your life. You must excel in it."

So, that was it.














I am going to be a law student.
(This is so good to be true)

*Above all, I thank my family for unremitting support, and God for His unconditional grace.


I randomly put up this Christmas tree because I feel like doing it.

A Letter to Si Jia

Dear Jia,

Maybe you don;t know this, but I just want you to know, because I really really wished you could understand this. I cannot explain this more than just words, but this is the best I can tell. I am mustering my whole effort on pen and paper to tell you this.

I am truly truly grateful for you as a friend. I am, and I am serious.

Maybe you wonder why I am suddenly saying this. Okay, here is it.

Remember I told you that I am considering Languages in future? Yeah, I did. And I told everyone else. The response they gave me was of several types.

Common type 1: AH? You serious? Eh, wasted your years in science stream la then?

Common type 2: Eh, study language? You want to be a teacher ah?

Well, you bet. I hated these comments. It's like they are judging your future without stepping foot on it, and without considering that you are still thinking about it and you're facing this major dilemma. And it's already been a blow after the results came out, which sucked. If given, who doesn't want to get a flat 4, but just, it wasn't. Instead of As, I just got some sticky mess on a piece of sheet, which confirms one thing: CONSIDER PROPERLY. DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE YOU MADE IN FORM 4.

So, the better comments you get will be, so I know you'll be excellent in this field. You'll succeed. You'll this you'll that. Plain words-that-makes-you-feel-better. Consolation prize. Pat on the back with a weak smile. Yes girl, you're gonna make it.....a teacher, ah, isn't it sad? Yeah, you're good in languages (but sadly nothing else). That's the message I get from the so-called supporters. So called encouragements. Make you feel that everything is possible. But hey, hit back on earth. Seriously, do you need all the pitiful stares and the caring talks? All the false assumptions and fake hopes? It's not the concealed sympathy, but the kind of understanding I needed.

One word.

UNDERSTANDING.

And hey dear this is for you, because without realising it, you had been the most understanding in this issue. You understood me, because you did. You were in the same situation as i did, facing the same dilemma, the same problems, the same setbacks. And you gave me the kind of trust which says that: I am with you, we're holding hands in the same rough storm. As long as we don't shiver, we'll be fine. The storm will ease. We will survive. We're together. We're going to make it to our destination.

Because you decided to consider languages also, something very unexpected. When I knew it, I was very touched, touched by the sense that I finally knew that I am not walking this path alone. There's someone, out there, just happened to reach out her hand and hold mine tight and choose this road less taken by. And this person happened to be so real, and so near. She's just by my side, and she's my friend. You don't know this, but it happened. I indeed find it a blessing, you're an element of essential in my life. I thank you for being present during these rough times, and I truly do. You had been more than just my friend.

You're simply too good to be true.



Jia, you're destined for great things. I know. Trust me, you do. And for once and for all, thank you for being you, the Jia that I had known so well. =)



XOXO
Hui Ting

Bright Night

Finally. Call it an end to year 2008 and HELLO 2009. meaning that I am going to again unfold another chapter of my life, starting fresh and new. With a promising beginning, I am ready to have all my new year resolutions done during this whole new year. A fresh start to wash all those unpleasant happenings which happened during year 2008, meaning I have to do all those recapping and rethinking about the mistakes that I have made and regrets I wished I hadn't had, and by God's will, wouldn't happen again in year 2009.

Firstly, a great big hug to all my Chinese Society members. I don't think I was a good president while I am in position, but I had tried my best. I am darn sure I had offended most of you guys, and I wished I didn't had. Of all that had happened then, I had only one intention: To the betterment of the society. Although you may had disagreed me as a leader, but I wished you had loved me as a friend.


Anyway, I do like to sincerely apologise what I had did to you people out of non-intention or otherwise. And also a big big THANK YOU. For making me the proudest president when we together make any event a success. And for allowing me to learn so much during this process.

Secondly, I would also thank all librarians (especially committee members)for helping me out during these times while I was president. And dear juniors, I my had pushed you guys too far during your probation, and I sincerely do not wish you guys would hate me for that reason. For everything that I did, is for you guys to improve, because at that time, you were the people I can count on to succeed one of the largest board in school.


But seeing you guys did the farewell fairly well was one of the most relieving thing I had experienced. Thanks for staying put with the pressure. Your commitment was recognised by us seniors.

Thirdly, to twins and Zi Qin aka BFF.
You guys had been giving me lots of moral support and guidance throughout the year, or years. I haven't formally thanked you guys before, but in my heart you guys are always my besties forever, and you guys know that. Although we have been disagreeing in lots of stuff but I think you guys have been there for me wherever I needed you. And it's truly the best thing I had ever had in my life.


I know I hid something I am supposed to share with you guys that time. And it's depressing me like nothing else. When I told you, you had given me the best advice, and being the best listeners. Thank you for not judging me for what I was behaving that time. And thank you for being my friend for who I am.

And for Shin Peih. You had been one of the best listeners I had when I had problems. Thanks for giving me an otherside opinion. And by the way, thanks for teaching me Maths!


I am sorry that sometimes you had the feeling that you're being used in friendships. But I assure you, I am grateful for you as a friend. It's not about common interests and helping out. It's you who had made the difference. And I hope this friendship lasts regardless of time or distance.

To Michelle, I am more than happy to have you as a classmate, and some more sitting beside me in class. Thanks for all those happy times we cracked as nutters in class. The jokes you made to cheer up the whole situation. The instant relief we had when we cursed teachers in class.


Although sometimes we wil bu suang each other, but hey dude. You know I am grateful for you as my classmate. Form 6 is never gonna be the same with you in the same class, and boy I say, you gotta love high school.

To 6AA and 6AB, the class I was in for two years. A lot of things may had happened during 2008. For one thing, we used to share the same classroom, but now we're all heading towards different directions. As years pass, would we meet one day? Would we still treasure the togetherness that we used to have?


Lots of incidents had happened when we're in the same class. Happy or not. One thing. I'm happy to be a part of this class, no matter what people said about it. You guys had been the one you are, and it had made all the difference.

2008 had been a year of dramatic changes. Definitely lots of lessons learnt. Mistakes made and regretted. Choices made and moved forward. It had been a terrible year, tears were shed and voices were raised. I can say that I achieved nothing. But at the same time it had been a rewarding year, because I had yet received lots of pleasant surprises from family and friends. And had experienced new stuff that I never been in before. Thanks to all those persons who had given me those memories.

TO AMBITION
In 2008 I found out that I cannot become a doctor. A doctor is the ambition that I had since primary school. And to ditch the dream that I used to have is due to a few reasons. Primarily I found out I'm not fit and not mentally prepared for such a long duration of studying period. And I do not qualify as an excellent student. I'm just average. And average joes and plain janes do not just become doctors. The industry is complicated for normal people. And money is another factor. And I just figured out that I wanted to become a doctor so badly is just because of the money and title. And after all it equals to my desire. Plain lust and fictitious cravings for a better life. Then I actually got some pretty good advice from Plurk friends, for actually believe that I should play by my strengths. This June I am going to face a challenge: To choose a course which will lead me to my future. And God bless, I am going to make the correct decision.

TO PEOPLE
In 2008 I learnt that perspective is very individual and meant to be treated by respect and optimism. I never much had been a good friend or family member, but I ambit to be better in year 2009. I will be a good listener and understanding at all circumstances. And I shall learn to be better when I prepare myself to stand in other people's shoes. Learn to serve the community and humanity. Respect people of all walks of life. Treat humanity with justice and equality, eliminate bias and prejudice. To appreciate life of others.

TO MYSELF
In 2008 I learnt that I am very bad in making decisions. So I aim to be wiser in 2009. To be able to differentiate emotions and conscience when circumstances allow. I shall never let emotions overrule rationality in whatever case. I will be stronger when it comes to rejection and failures, and able to move on and throw misery away. To be a person of dignity and well sought after. I shall be able to own and portray my own true identity. And to walk the world without the slightest regret.

Now making a lil 2009 wish list.
1. STPM: Please please give me at least 3As.
2. MUET band 6.
3. Driving license.
4. A car.
5. A good University.
6. Shopping opportunities.
7. A happier life.
8. Health and wealth.

That's all I guess.
Anyway, I shall be celebrating the arrival of 2009 with great exhilaration. New year, new hopes, as anyone else says. =D

PS: I personally think that this is the end of it. All these times I believe that my intuitions never went wrong, and if it does, I will just assume that you are trying to deny it. You may say it's just trying to make myself feel better and yes it does, because like you, my pride isn't just something to be thrown away. As they say, only fall for someone if he is willing to catch you. And I haven't got the slightest clue that you're ready for a change. I don't give a damn about your past because I do not feel that's going to determine your current actions. An advice for you: Everyone in this world changes for the better after experience. But you? Just stay on the same pace. Repeating your known mistakes. Pathetic you. I feel sorry for you. Because you are a loser, who never realise that the world doesn't just wait. Waiting for you is like waiting for the rain in the drought. Useless and disappointing.If you were to ask what had you got from me, yeah, you've got my pity.

Guilt and Greatness

Everyone dreads results day. And for the ever first time in my life, I was so worried about it to the extend I had nightmares about people getting raped and robbed. Scary huh... I knew I had not prepared well and I had not performed well enough.

It was: Shocking, Upsetting, Confusing, Killing, Extra-ordinarily Devastating.
In short, it SUCKED.

To worsen things, sis got the first in her class.

Mum talked about it for about two weeks.

So I was forced to swallow the news and kept quiet for another few days. And finally, I could not stand it. The emotional stress was so pushing, so on one fine day, I rehearsed for a few minutes, took a long breath, and called mum.

Me : I have something to tell.
Mum: What?
Me : Well...
Mum: Later, I am driving.
(phone slams)

So, imagine it when she came home and I talked about it. Imagine people yelling, doors slamming, swearing.......

Honestly, I was so guilty, I cannot even sleep well.

So, I had to put up with military style studying. Honestly, it was so difficult. I am about to give up several times, but I just knew I can't. It's already July. About 3 months for me to catch up with things I had lost. I had to sacrifice lots of things, including things I enjoy and normally do.


I have to do well in STPM. I have to get good grades, get into university, secure a seat in a better course to enable a better future.


A glimpse of my military training base. A mass of papers, notes, diagrams, charts, stationery... My effort is going to determine my destiny.

YEAH! HUITING, MAN, YOU CAN DO IT!!

My all time favorite motivator lay supportively on the chair.


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I will live by my own policies.
I will sleep with a clear conscience.
I will sleep in peace.

'Emperor's New Clothes', Sinead O'Connor

Two roads diverged in the woods, I took the one less travelled by...

I am a person of faith, and I believe in destiny.

I believe that if something is not meant to be yours, then it will not be yours, no matter how hard you try.

I made a decision today.
A decision that will change my life forever.

I am not going to be a medical doctor in future.

I have my reasons.

Hopefully everything will be okay.
I am still not used to myself having no ambitions.


XD

see, I can still laugh.
life sucks.
so do I.

Life is a bitch, because if it is a slut, it would be easy.

Divergence in Dreams

It has already been 6 months I have been studying in Form 6. 2008, I am officially in upper 6, the last year I am going to be seen wearing school uniform.

The last year to ponder about the future.

Honestly, I am quite uncertain about my own future; what am I going to be one day, who do I see myself as......My goals are too abstract and inspecific. My friends made a choice and walked their path without doubts; I still have not made my decision yet. Yes, NOT YET.

After PMR, I took a decision to continue in science stream, believing that my strengths and my interests are in this field. I worked hard with enthusiasm for 2 years. It paid off greatly. 10As in SPM. Not great but well paid enough.

After SPM, I made another choice to further my Pre-Universities in Form 6, and to take STPM, the second most difficult exam in the world. I made a choice to be in science stream Biology, again believing that my interests are purely scientific and life science based.

After half year of Form 6, I began to think about all the choices that I have ever made, which lead to this very day I am living in.

Is this so?

Since form 3, I have an ambition, which is to be recognised as a medical surgeon one day. When I visited Damansara Specialist due to a sprained ankle one day, my desire strenghtened. Again one day, I visited a relative in Selayang Hospital. I saw young interns walking in corridors, checking on patients. My cousin, studying in medical school, also set as an example. I watched Grey's Anatomy, Medical Investigation and The Hospital and began to think. Wherever I go, I saw my dreams. And I have worked hard towards it to make them a reality.

But now, I thought otherwise.

I have not been gifted with a talent in science, unlike most of my classmates. I sometimes do not share the same interests with them. Their passion differs a lot with mine. They are people who loved maths, chemistry and enjoyed classes of those subjects. They are people who are good in facts, figures and reality. I sleep my way through maths and skipped chemistry for no apparent reason. Science never found a way to suit me, those years I have survived is due to the reason that I found a way for myself to suit science.

Which explains why I have struggled so much.

I have never liked those subjects I chose.

My interests are mainly in languages and arts. And I am also talented with anything artistic. For me, art is beautiful. We speak through one language, art. Art creates diversity, changes, flexibility, opportunities, life. Art is peaceful and hopeful. I took great interest in art since the day I can hold a pencil in my hands. I can make wonders using my creativity and imagination. Whether it is an article, a painting, a design, or a simple thought, I meant something. And the challenge is for everyone to ponder what am I trying to convey, get the message and understand me more.

The problem is, what am I supposed to do? I have wasted a great part of my life doing something so unlike me, and a great part of my mum's money too. And another problem is, I am not lousy either in my studies, which means, my scientific side. I was the best in Biology and I can manage to squeeze into top 10 in my school for a few years. I am good in what am I doing, but I am also great in what I am good in. The twins used to say that I am a whole rounder, well except for sports. But the problem of being whole rounded is you get uncertain about yourself. People who are damn lousy in something but is great in one specific thing, will have a clear vision about themselves. Who cares if you have no idea how to draw a fish and sings like a toad if you can manage to research about a cure for cancer and make tons of gold out of it. Nobody questioned about Marie Curie and Edison's artistic talents or Rapheal's scientific mind. People who are successful in this world are people who have clear visions, specific talents and interests. If you are in science stream nobody cares if you can paint stumaso style like da vinci. If you are in commerce stream nobody will give a damn if you knew how a amoeba digests a bacteria. If you are in languages stream nobody wants to know how well you knew about the stock exchange. This is reality. And everyone is living in it.

Locke said this from the series 'Lost': "I saw into the eye of the island, and what I saw... It was beautiful". I tried hard to be optimistic about my future, trying to see the good in every bad, the silver lining behind every cloud. I am trying to see the good side of being whole rounded. A classmate of mine said before: 'you're so great in studies, at the same time can handle so much of post in so many activities, and you can play the piano, draw so well and your calligraphy is great too....., people are queuing for these talents'. Yes, people may say that wow, you are damn great to be in possession of so many skills, your future must be damn bright. But hang on. If you are in my possition you will think otherwise. You will undergo a lot of mental struggles, being undecisive. One time you will feel suitable for this, but at the same time you will feel that your otherside talents are wasted. Another time you will feel that if you use your interest as a career, it may not be as rewarding as the one you are by your trained and hard earned skills.

Sometimes, it's good to stay common and have common dreams. Being in possession of extraodinary skills sometimes set as a burden. If I am of no artistic talents and don't know how to play the piano, maybe I will be like most of my peers, studious, loving science and maths. Or if I am always lousy in my studies then maybe I may be like my cousin, great in art and going into MIA for graphic design this May.

It pays for staying great in what you re good in, not good in everything.

I missed myself so much.