Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Guilt and Greatness

Everyone dreads results day. And for the ever first time in my life, I was so worried about it to the extend I had nightmares about people getting raped and robbed. Scary huh... I knew I had not prepared well and I had not performed well enough.

It was: Shocking, Upsetting, Confusing, Killing, Extra-ordinarily Devastating.
In short, it SUCKED.

To worsen things, sis got the first in her class.

Mum talked about it for about two weeks.

So I was forced to swallow the news and kept quiet for another few days. And finally, I could not stand it. The emotional stress was so pushing, so on one fine day, I rehearsed for a few minutes, took a long breath, and called mum.

Me : I have something to tell.
Mum: What?
Me : Well...
Mum: Later, I am driving.
(phone slams)

So, imagine it when she came home and I talked about it. Imagine people yelling, doors slamming, swearing.......

Honestly, I was so guilty, I cannot even sleep well.

So, I had to put up with military style studying. Honestly, it was so difficult. I am about to give up several times, but I just knew I can't. It's already July. About 3 months for me to catch up with things I had lost. I had to sacrifice lots of things, including things I enjoy and normally do.

I have to do well in STPM. I have to get good grades, get into university, secure a seat in a better course to enable a better future.

A glimpse of my military training base. A mass of papers, notes, diagrams, charts, stationery... My effort is going to determine my destiny.


My all time favorite motivator lay supportively on the chair.

Share something with you bloggers:

I will live by my own policies.
I will sleep with a clear conscience.
I will sleep in peace.

'Emperor's New Clothes', Sinead O'Connor