Now Playing: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

24 hours after the release of results, the reality sinks in. What I've got, I realise, is sufficient for the end all of my dreams, perhaps sufficient for most of my peers. But I aimed high and was disappointed, unable to accept things so ordinary. Effort was never minimal on my part, and when what I sow was lesser than that, I felt hopeless, cheated, betrayed. I distracted myself, avoiding my grief by hanging out with friends, getting intoxicated but yet when I was alone, awake and sober, like now, 24 hours later, I'm just another loser who had lost a battle and I have to face defeat like suckerpunch in my face.

The only good thing about my results is that, I passed. Knowing me, I don't want to just pass. Out of rage yesterday I tore off every motivational banner I had on my wall. now they're lying in pieces on my table, exactly, the boulevard of broken dreams. I was packing my notes, ready to give them all away knowing that I do not need them anymore as I am moving on. I can't help but to realise the bulk, the research materials, the effort, all the hardwork and sweat. My pile of articles and notes, essays, scribbled texts, torn books. I remembered those hopes those days, the energy I had, the dreams I believed in. I was so happy then, even though I strained myself senseless trying to comprehend, analyse, argue, and I thought all was for the best, and I will be rewarded in the end. I remembered amidst the mockery, the disbelief, I carried on knowing I am fighting for my better tomorrow.

Now, the enormous pile of paper meant nothing at all, nothing but representing the scarce event of an unfortunate incident where failures do, happen to those who work hard, aimed high, and believed.

Now, you know what I meant by feeling cheated and betrayed. For all the heartbreak, I can't help but to let those tears fall freely to soak those dreamfilled sheets, once, a person who dedicated so much to her dreams had wrote her heart and soul in each letter on those notes.

Results Night

I was lying on the sofa, remote control in one hand and apple in another, watching Miami Ink lazily when JJ called. That macha practically screamed in my ear:

'RESULTS IS OUT ALREADY!'

I literally sprung out from lazy mode and started hitting the keyboard furiously. I was in cold sweat, and was shaking non stop due to the tension. Audrey called and we both screamed like hell.

Oh my God, I can't belive results was out! After 3 months of waiting, finally.

The stupid server crashed due to the congregation of users checking the results at the same time. After repeated motions of refreshing the same page and lots of cursing, finally, the result screen popped out.

I was so scared, I turned off the monitor and ran to the kitchen to call Yoong Ling. We talked for few minutes and she adviced me to eat some ice cream beofre checking.

So, there was it, when I turned on the screen. It did not exceed my expectations, but managed to meet it, towards some level. At least, it was reflective of the effort that I've put in for so long. Later on, MSN and facebook chat was flooded with conversations of results. It was a long night, but it ended well.

I thank God for His grace and favour as He has once again, proved that He is merciful in answering prayers. After insane hours of studying, additional research, consistent reading, inhumane hours of lectures and all the sacrifices, I'm glad everything is okay. I succesfully moving on to Part One, and my biggest wish now, is to get into Top 10.

I'll keep praying=)

Re Mahmoud Ispahani

Judging from the title of the post you know I'm reading Contract law, though I dislike it a lot but I don't have a choice.

And you know I'm too stressed out. In fact I spent my fifteen minute break today calling up the twins to rant because the sudden stress was too immense to handle and people in college either don't understand the need to be stressed or they don't give a freaking damn.

I spent some time reflecting my attitude which I think I need to correct them in order to be a better person.
1) I made a mistake for being too frank in announcing my triumph for obtaining the highest mark in the entire intake for Common law. When I think back I think there should be no need for all the drama simply because I'm yet to be the best, and indirectly it had obviously offended people. But my intentions are to serve as an encouragement, no means for boasting intended, really. So if I pissed anyone off I'm sorry.
2) I need to regulate my stress level in a wiser manner because I tend to lose patience and rationality when I'm under pressure. And it is not good because honesty hurts, not just anyone around, but also friendship.
3) I need more concentration!!!!
4) I need more A4 paper because nowadays papers run out so fast.
5) I need sleep badly.

And I found this photo taken ages ago when we are all totally screwed up for last minute revision for december mocks.


Haha! Nice memories=)I thought I was hardworking, but I wasted time as well. Oh wells, let's hope mistake doesn't repeat themselves.

Valedictorian Hui Ting yeah man! Alright!

Check Out The Countdown Box

Time flies. The last moment, I am still fighting the dilemma of choosing colleges, the time spent shopping like a madwoman in Pavilion, the only thing to worry is about where to have lunch. Now it's about the REAL LLB exams in which the schedule was out and stuck on the main notice board yesterday. Where it took me by fright and I nearly stumbled when walking down the stairs, obviously still in shocked mode.

Honestly, I am DEAD scared. No joke. I may walk around as if I know a lot but actually law is something you can never finish studying. So it's about how concise and complete you can cram whatever you have learned into a sixteen page answer within three hours. Which is something I lack: practice. And it's just not the only thing I lack. I am scared because I am unprepared. I know very little as I missed out classes here and there and I do very little research. Well, not that I will fail but definitely it would require more effort to score. Sighs.

It was quite a while I found this fire burning passion to excel hence I stayed in college to revise and research but unfortunately the fire died quite shortly because it was tiring and temptations took over. Now I regret for not persevering enough because if I were to take the extra mile then, it would have made a difference now. So I promise myself to push my physical and mental abilities to the extreme for these 120 remaining days. Doesn't matter if it requires sacrifice, pain or fatigue. Fun time has ended long ago and I had more than enough of play time, and now, it's time to get work done. Yay! I have to feel happy for myself for loving law=)


The enthusiasm starts by pulling out books and spreading across notes. Hopefully it lasts. Work! work! work!!


My customised revision calendar for January. I photostated for each member in my revision group, with the hope that they appreciate my hard work.

I pray hard for success. Because if I don't do well, who will? Hahahaha, that's a bit syok sendiri. But I have the confidence in myself to score. I just have this little philosophy about kiasu-ness. Maybe you might be wondering why I am talking all about my studying and revision progress and maybe you will be asking why I am telling everyone in the world what I am and will be going to revise later on. Maybe you might also be wondering why I show my notes to my friends, my research work, my timetable, like sharing almost everything. I just think that many would believe that studying is personal, and definitely it is, and exams is about competition, which obviously isn't. The kiasu-ness in a lot of people rendered me in quite a blur state, but actually I don't blame people for being a little self centered when it comes to things like this. I however would beg to differ, because I believe in synergising success, the power of multiplying outcome by cooperation of input. So i wouldn't hesitate to share whatever I know with other fellow classmates, eventhough they do not do the same to me. I had thought about how unfair things would get before, but it came to me that, whatever way people behave, they should not change the way I act. Because if I in turn wanted revenge, and act equally kiasu, and in the end, I would be one of them. Haha, Hui Ting is no such person. I know if I have a generous heart, I will get rewarded accordingly. God works in miraculous ways. =)

I am in a pretty good mood today. Maybe it's the long nap I had this afternoon. Maybe it's the fact I've finally got back the enthusiasm for studies. Maybe it's the inner peace I managed to achieve after struggling within issues of blending in and principles I vow to stand by. Maybe it's after watching too much supernatural. lolz.

Shocking News

Sigh, actually it was already predicted. Around March the results will be out( EVERYBODY SCREAM!) and the marks can't be changed. I was on MSN when Darryl suddenly gave me this piece of news, which was darn shocking and I was like:

WTF? So fast? STPM wheh man!
STPM WHEH!

Not just only me, actually, I am pretty sure everybody is freaking nervous. Sze Yiing was like:
SY: Die lar die lar.
HT: Me too.
SY: My Dad! He's freaking at home during the holidays. I'm dead meat dude!
HT: Oh, he'll understand.
SY: He won't! I wish I can just fly away.
HT: Yeah, like escaping reality.
SY: I am freakingly scared lar...
HT: Oh come on, you already did a great job.
SY: You're wrong. I wasted time.
HT: Me too okay. I don't know what the heck I was doing.
SY: Wasted the one final step to a bright future.
Ht: Sigh...

Si Jia was very confident in this case. Like always, cause she's PREPARED.
HT: Dude, results on 10th.
SJ: Thanks. (like confident only =D)
HT; Dear, I am scared lar.
SJ: Me too. My Maths was like...what the..
HT: Eh, your Maths only. Me is every bloody subject kay?
SJ: Oh come on. You're top student ma.
HT: Oh pur-lease...Since when?
SJ: Since high school?
HT: That was history. Meet Hui Ting the slacker, procrastinator...
SJ: Me too lar.
HT: Don't worry.You're one of the best.

Yoong Sin, my cool dude, was one of a kind.
HT: Bad news dude. STPM on 10th.
YS: *swore*
HT: Chill dude..I am also darn scared.
YS: Eh don't tell me this la. I'm very scared.
HT: Yeah, as if you guys are going back school for results.
YS: Bleedy man...
HT: I know, I'm gonna flunk with flying colours..

I slacked during 2 years of STPM, due too less passion and enthusiasm. No idea why I was like that, I'm like sorta lost all those passion which I had during Form 5. And STPM is way difficult, needs a lot of constant studying and consistent revising. I was too engaged in lots of useless activities in school until I neglected a big part of academic, but I cannot blame co-co, because I should have been better in time management. During Form 6, I flunked badly and did not gave a damn. Thinking back, I had only started serious studying just about a month before STPM. And I had not been well prepared for every single paper. During the exam, I kinda like had minimal confidence, especially Maths, where I had zero knowledge. It's useless to regret now, too late and nothing can be done.

The only only hope I have now is to pray and have faith. May God bless all of us STPM candidates with results which can make us happy. I need loads of praying and blessings, and I definitely need His grace at this very critical moment.


Results will be out on March 10. Everybody, wish me luck, pray for me and if anything goes bad, I shall be taking is as a redemption for my past mistakes. I foremost publicly announce my apologies to any party whom I had offended, humbly requesting your forgiveness.

Very THE scared laaaarrr...



>.<

The Sheer Disappointment

Despite all those lousy exam results during my entire Form 6 life, I still consider myself proficient in English Language. Languages are the only subjects I consider myself strong, one of the best in school. I'm not saying that I'm excellent. It's just that comparatively, I am obviously outstanding the rest.

I always have the thought that I can work myself towards Band 6 in MUET. Despite all my failing grades in the 4 core subjects, I really wished that I could excel in the only subject I pay interest and passion to. The only chance for me to redeem myself over the past 2 years in Form 6, is by at least performing great in at least something.

So much blank hopes and waiting...

MUET results were released this morning. I checked my results online since I cannot leave work and go to school to collect my slip. I was very nervous, and trembled for almost 15 minutes before I got the courage to click on the website.

So that's it. Band 5.

When I saw the band, I was like: Whoa.....Band 5, ONLY?
Then my mind went completely blank. But inside, something weightily fell into the deep pit in my stomach. It all felt so hollow and dark inside. The disappointment was beyond words. If I cried, no tears will flow. If I yelled, no words will come out...


I pictured those times in class, wondering where I did wrong. Was this because I was too arrogant not to pay attention in class? Was it because I held my expectations too high? Maybe I'm not good at all, just the false impression my peers gave me... It's so easy to blame the exam being hard, the conditions were bad, the system sucks, it's too easy.

Those consolations are great, thanks, made an effort, but I can't be better for now. So much for staying by faith's side, now I really knew what disappointment really means.

It's the kind of feeling you get when you fall. Hard.

I whispered:'Band 5 just isn't good enough. It puts me the same as everyone else. I already lost my only hope. I'm nothing at all.'

The Day The Earth Stood Still

After those long hours sitting on the stupid chair which burns my ass, well paid off, because today is the last day of STPM. HOORAY! Which says that it's putting my misery and sufferings to a bloody full stop. And hell yeah I can do a lot of things that I wanted.

After the exams we took a photo at our class. Cherishing the very last moments we would be together as a class. Because as you know, we're going different paths after this and whatever people say about keeping in touch it would be, ahh...a naked lie, because as 'out of sight out of mind' applies very suitably to this condition.


We once had pleasant memories but we still have a future ahead to achieve. I will miss you guys always.

And after that I joined my classmates at Secret Recipe for high-tea (kononnya not lunch because it's already after 4) and planned about the Christmas holidays and new year countdown's party. So much laughter together because after exams I think everyone is like so damn relaxed and fun. =)

Then I went mall marathon with Shin Peih and obviously spent. We went to The Curve, Ikano, Cineleisure and Ikea (as if we want to buy furniture). But also managed to find something to buy in Ikea.


Toilet scrubber also can! Haha. Of course la, I wanted to buy mirror for my newly renovated bathroom. But luckily didn't buy because seems like mum doesn't want me to choose for myself. But still bought some kitchen utensils(I want to cook during the long holidays), notebook, the scrubber and photo frame.

They got all these cool decorations for Christmas at the curve. Check it out!


This one looks like the giraffe wants to eat the leaves of the tall Christmas tree.



The elves. I don't really like this theme. But they made a really creative effort. It looks like everything is green with elves poking here and there.


Me high-fiving the elf. LOL.


This elf is like flying. Exactly what I am feeling now. FLY~~


Outside Cineleisure it's like this. Angels with crooked waists. =P


And there's a moment where it started to snow. Because the angels are like squirting foam out and people started to take photos like mad. WTF? Shin Peih said that it looks sticky and yucky and dirty. 100% agreed.


And in Ikano it's like this.

Haiyeah! I bought some bermudas and a top at Padini. Used about 100 plus plus. But happy because I have bought something.
Then kena hut lah~ 'hah! So many things to buy meh ah you??!!'


But who cares? Exam's over and I am glad that it keeps on this way. Relaxing with meaning is the ultimate joy of life.

PS: There were lots of unpleasant memories that I had experienced in school for the past 2 years. I am glad to leave it. The place and the memories. Really there are nothing worth so meaningful and remembered. Friends, miss you all the time. But the life there is gonna be deleted permanently from my mind.

Twins, you're right. Life's still exciting without it.

Books and Beans

The idea of having a study groups was initiated by Shin Peih, who obviously think that we need professional and serious help in our studies. After our trails (which sucked to the max), we had a few study groups with different people who require help in different subjects.

For me, Maths is a disaster. And obviously the twins are thinking the same lines with me. (At least they passed, while I flunked 3 times in a row). Shin Peih needed help in Biology, so I am there to give some of my tutelage. Ahem ahem...While Michelle wanted me to revise Chemistry with her. So we would arrange groups study in Starbucks, Coffee Bean or McDs.

One thing I loved about group studying is no matter what happened, we are still able to focus on our work. Although most of the time people said that they tend to do everything but studying, our group is different. When topics are slightly diverged, there will sure be someone who bring us back on track.

'OI. Shut up lah. Nobody's interested.'

Hence, back to the books.

In McDs, there will sure be a group of screaming kids disturbing the peace or another group of students doing everything but studying. The nightmare in Starbucks was when we sat in a place directly under the blasting speaker.

However, there is still a place where we loved to go, which is Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Desa Parkcity. The conditions are perfect: quiet, nice lighting, correct ambiance, nice view of a lake.......


In Coffee Bean, the atmosphere plus the coffee aroma which you can't smell here.


This is where we sit every week, except for the last where it was occupied.


The view of the lake during dusk. Nice eh? You can't find such a nice lake cum park in my neighbourhood. Envy those residents there. =D


And introducing Shin Peih as my Maths tutor. She's a Maths pro (which says that she scores nearly full marks in Maths)


And of course the very diligent twins, who are the ones who are truly dedicated to the preparation of the STPM exams.


The desperatos. The reason why the twins look taller are because they were sitting on chairs higher than our sofa. Which is not true in real life. XD no offence.


Scone and Ice Blended Coffee. The scone tasted bad but cost me 4 bucks excluding tax. WTF?! I rather have brownies in Secret Recipe using the same amount of money.


Today's brew of coffee. Viennese thingy. Last week was Brazil. Last week's was better. Today's coffee tasted like charcoal and it was stark cold before we could finish it.

Halfway doing our revision, Shin Peih cannot tahan and went and bought some donuts.

Big Apple is just nearby. If they had a suitable environment we would have gone there for our group studies because food there are more reasonably charged.


=0 Mess Mess Mess! But lucky today. Last week I spilled coffee all over the table while stirring.

Whatever it was, I still hope that whatever we did in the study groups can help us yeild better results during STPM. After spending my money on coffee in Coffee Bean every week, I really hope that it wouldn't be a mere waste, but rather a beneficial uptake of knowledge in presence of more able peers and a healthier environment.

MUET Speaking Test

As we students were seen taking much of our time prowling books, revising for the exams, there was also another scene. Students practicing speaking in groups. As our MUET speaking exam drew nearer and nearer, tension is rising. Even those students with high levels of English proficiency were seen practicing. From doing one set per lesson, we have gone to the extent of practicing 4 sets of question per day, plus post mortem., even some groups reduced to staying back after school and practice.

It was until once the MUET teacher bellowed when she entered a class of students, heads down, talking at the top of their lungs.
‘Are you all really that bad? Aren’t you all tired of doing speaking?’

Nobody was amused. It was when Michelle snapped back, in a clear audible voice.
‘Yes. We need to practice. And we’re not good.’

And speaking of Michelle as one of those people with good English.

It was the exam today. Yesterday I went to bed and lay there for what it seem like hours. Yee May said she trashed in her bed non-stop, thinking about the exams. In the morning of the exam, nobody seem wanted to talk much. After the assembly, while the teacher was dismissing the others, she said clearly to the microphone:
‘Session 1 for today’s exam. Please proceed to the library.’

And feeling like my legs are made of marshmallow, I followed the mournful group.
The twins, Zi Qin and Michelle gave me thumbs up and shouted good luck to me. I wanted to thank them but my mouth went dry.

The library was cold, dingy, as one set of lights were broken, and quieter than usual. After the registration, we began to read our notes. Charis, who was unfortunately the first candidate for group one, was in a obvious nervous state. She was clutching her palms and her knuckles were white. When the examiners called for group one, her entire palm went icy cold.

Our group was the last for Session 1. Hence, plenty of time for revisions. I started the rule of speaking English but somebody will tend to break it with the maximum of 5 minutes. We read through notes for about half an hour and got fed up. Then we started talking and laughing, the exam temporarily out of our minds. Then Darryl started a game of exchanging identity cards, and we laughed at Boon Fei’s photo on the card, because he looked weird. And See Bee childhood version looked like a guy. A damn good looking guy. LOL. Next we ate sweets and chocolate and debated about Melamine in diary products. It was when the first group came out from the examination room, we came to the senses that we were still in quarantine, pending for exams.

Yee Toong and Yee May yelped in unision and started to prowl books over their heads. Charis was emerging from the room, looking like a camel. She caught my eye and signaled something, and I was about to catch it when the teacher stared at our direction. Helpless, she left.

Time trickled pass as groups began to flow out of the hall. By no time, only our group was left in the quarantine room. Except for uncontrollable urges for answering the call of nature, escorted by a determined Anita, the rest of the time was reasonably well spent. It was about two minutes left until the examination I began to feel real panic. I was reading the same sentence repeatedly for a few minutes, but nothing seems to go in. Boon Fei began to walk in rounds while mumbling to himself.

It was when the tinkle of the bell in the exam room went I jolted up and adrenaline began to numb my legs. After greeting the examiners unenthusiastically, we sat down and prepared for our task. It was about 5 seconds when I realized that was reading the wrong task.. The examiner pointed out. The question was (I can only remember it sounds like this because we’re not allowed to bring the paper out): The world has gone through a lot of changes. What are the changes in this world that bring to the changes in lifestyle? And for me candidate D, I was supposed to talk about modern medicine.

After preparing for two minutes, (I have only wrote two lines of words), Yee Toong started. She blurted and paused for the first 5 seconds. Even the examiner stopped and stared at her. Then the rest of it, she handled it ok. Boon Fei talked like a pro. Even Yee May can speak well. When it was my turn, I went blank. I crapped about diet schemes and supplements and suddenly had a bullshit idea about practicing it at work, so I blurted it out. And I regretted it instantly, because it sounds stupid and everyone stared at me as if I was mad. Then, I forgot the word anesthetic. I just kept thinking about painkillers and panadols and I can’t find the correct term. It was idiotic. I wanted to talk about productivity and human capital but I forgot the word. In the end of task A I was very pissed.

During task B I seized the chance and spoke my mind. Task B was almost impromptu and I am surprised it yielded better results than the prepared task A. As my confidence peaked I am able to carry out my thoughts in a more organized manner. After the discussion, we came to the conclusion that medicine had brought about the most drastic changes in human life. Although it’s not interactive enough as everybody keep their heads bent over their papers, and spoke in a unnaturally decent manner, with all those ‘sorry to interrupt’ crap. Since when we talked like that? We always yelled ‘shut up and listen’ to each other. But it’s already considered ok, as nobody went totally silent.

Walking out of the hall, I felt reasonably better, and relieved. Everyone agreed that we had excessive English and decided to talk loudly in Chinese. Relieved and happy that it’s over, I went back home.



=) =)

Busy

Actually I have nothing to post recently so I posted this picture to keep my blog active. So that regualr readers would have something to read.
(Cheh~as if my blog will be greatly missed..Syok sendiri)


All these photos are taken with our Fujifilm Finepix ZS, with onlt 6.3 megapixels. I'm not saying that my photos are nice but it's already considered not bad. Sometimes it will produce blurred pictures even though my hand's not shaking. Talking like an amateur. Hmm Maybe should ask Jhen since she's a LOMOGRAPHER. Lomographer wheh~ Visit her blog via my link. Her photos are way cool.

Ahh..Not all photos are taken by me. The photos of bridges and a lake....and whatever that looks un-Malaysian are captured by I-dunno-who-but-most-probably-not-mum when Mum went to Australia last few months.

But I like the photo of the lorong captured after the rain.

Exams are approaching so I cannot really blog this often. And the stress level is peaking. ARGHH! This is due to a lot of school problems and all those pressure. And whatever comes around goes around. PHEFFF!

Chaos in the Study

Exams are mind cracking.
Look at the sight of my table.



It had been in a terrible mess for weeks. Plus nothing had been entering my mind since last year.

Maybe what I need is more than just determination.


Hell yeah. I bloody hate those exams.
Wishing it would end soon.

Monthly Test (S, WTF, WTH...and every swear word you know)

After a damn long break after SPM, this is the first time I sat for an exam.
Monthly Test 2007.

Nobody is amused.
Let's run a test-roll:
Pengajian Am- Kerr-plunk-ed at the kenegaraan part. Unfortunately for me, I totally FORGOT to prepare a ruler for the friggin' graph. Ended up drawing it using MY name TAG. Overall: disaster.

Maths- Screwed paper 2 throughoutly. Have no idea that the bloddy box-plot have to be drawn on the GRAPH PAPER PROVIDED, thank God until last minute realised and changed. And went totally blank on the mean and standard deviation part. Lack of constant practice. ;(

Chemistry- Do not even know the answer for, well, question 1. Confidence crippled when did not know how to answer for most of the questions in objective part. In structure question accidentally crossed out the right answer because I was in a rush while checking. WTF. Wasted marks. ON SOMETHING I DAMN WELL KNEW.

MUET- Check out the essay question:
In our exam-oriented society, students appear to be less interested in volunteerism. Does this mean that our education system has failed to nurture the spirit of volunteerism among our youth?Write your opinion, giving relevant examples, in not fewer than 350 words.
It was like SO DAMN DIFFICULT. I was crapping throughout the whole damn essay. Furthermore, 1 hour only to finish the question, plus a cloze passage in front.

It was a total DUH-situation. Nobody wasted their breath NOT swearing after the bloody exam. Our class even postponed the whole damn exam schedule due to some 'technical problems' with the test papers.

Oh yeah, to the school, thnks fr th mmrs.

Piano Trial

I was freaking out about today’s piano trail exam, being unable to gain self control and throwing my temper to anyone around me. Yoong Sin and Zi Qin wished me good luck, and sent me to the pavement of the institution. I gulped. The time was 2.30pm. Another 30 minutes to death. I practiced in a spare studio but my palms became abnormally sweaty and my fingers kept slipping away from the correct keys. I gave up and waited. When my named was called I was already shaking from top to toe. But I braced up myself and strode into the room, bearing a black grand piano and a small desk, by it sat my examiner, smiling. I twisted my hands.

I started with the weakest part: scales and arpeggios. I messed up between staccato and legato. Then I sweated some more. Shaking, I tried. Then I missed the key. I asked the examiner again. She looked at me awkwardly and repeated. I tried again. But I got the whole thing wrong. I gulped twice, my hands felt like charcoal. The examiner asked me whether I wanted to continue. I nodded, and repeated. But the effect was even worse. In the end, I shook my head, placed my hand on the seat, and gave up. The examiner smiled again, pleased that the whole agenda had ended.

Then I played my pieces. I had total confidence of these three pieces, as I had put ample of time and energy practicing them, unlike my scales and arpeggios. It started perfectly okay, the tempo and the dynamics plus the emotions were present. It did not last long. I missed the third note of the piece. I paused and my confidence tumbled down. I was trembling and swallowing again. Then, I missed the dynamics and the details. Towards the end I missed a key signature. It ended like a pile of shit. The second piece was even worse. I missed all the important dynamics. To make the matters worse, my phone rang when I was approaching the finale. I freaked out and ended it simply. The examiner reminded me to off my phone while I fumbled with my pockets. I muttered that I have forgotten. I checked my phone. It was Shin Peih’s sms. The third piece I did it blandly. I did not master the centre part. In the end, I was disappointed.

My next test was sight reading, the nightmare of my life. I sucked completely in sight reading. I did not get the keys right, and towards the end I only realized that some notes needed to be detached. I ignored all the dynamics and Italian terms, not because I do not understand, but I had too much to cope at that moment. After that was the test on aural awareness. Singing the bass was a problem for me, as I could not even hear the bass. I just simply croaked a few notes. The chord part I guessed. Sight singing became a total mess because I became too involved with the treble part. I ended up singing the wrong part. At least the piece question I did it okay. After the piece I just blurted out everything that I have memorized. The examiner wrote something down and told me to leave. Happy that the whole damn exam was finished, I exited without asking questions.

To nobody’s surprise, I failed. 92 marks. 100 was the passing grade. I knew I did a terrible job. But I knew that I had an important job to do, to overcome my fear towards examinations. I know this phobia will cripple my future, and I had to find a way to gain self-confidence. I wished that I did not sweat and gulp that much during the exam, maybe then I can at least pass it. Now, I pray that I will pass the real exam, which is on 6 July. Friends, pray for me.