Piano Trial

I was freaking out about today’s piano trail exam, being unable to gain self control and throwing my temper to anyone around me. Yoong Sin and Zi Qin wished me good luck, and sent me to the pavement of the institution. I gulped. The time was 2.30pm. Another 30 minutes to death. I practiced in a spare studio but my palms became abnormally sweaty and my fingers kept slipping away from the correct keys. I gave up and waited. When my named was called I was already shaking from top to toe. But I braced up myself and strode into the room, bearing a black grand piano and a small desk, by it sat my examiner, smiling. I twisted my hands.

I started with the weakest part: scales and arpeggios. I messed up between staccato and legato. Then I sweated some more. Shaking, I tried. Then I missed the key. I asked the examiner again. She looked at me awkwardly and repeated. I tried again. But I got the whole thing wrong. I gulped twice, my hands felt like charcoal. The examiner asked me whether I wanted to continue. I nodded, and repeated. But the effect was even worse. In the end, I shook my head, placed my hand on the seat, and gave up. The examiner smiled again, pleased that the whole agenda had ended.

Then I played my pieces. I had total confidence of these three pieces, as I had put ample of time and energy practicing them, unlike my scales and arpeggios. It started perfectly okay, the tempo and the dynamics plus the emotions were present. It did not last long. I missed the third note of the piece. I paused and my confidence tumbled down. I was trembling and swallowing again. Then, I missed the dynamics and the details. Towards the end I missed a key signature. It ended like a pile of shit. The second piece was even worse. I missed all the important dynamics. To make the matters worse, my phone rang when I was approaching the finale. I freaked out and ended it simply. The examiner reminded me to off my phone while I fumbled with my pockets. I muttered that I have forgotten. I checked my phone. It was Shin Peih’s sms. The third piece I did it blandly. I did not master the centre part. In the end, I was disappointed.

My next test was sight reading, the nightmare of my life. I sucked completely in sight reading. I did not get the keys right, and towards the end I only realized that some notes needed to be detached. I ignored all the dynamics and Italian terms, not because I do not understand, but I had too much to cope at that moment. After that was the test on aural awareness. Singing the bass was a problem for me, as I could not even hear the bass. I just simply croaked a few notes. The chord part I guessed. Sight singing became a total mess because I became too involved with the treble part. I ended up singing the wrong part. At least the piece question I did it okay. After the piece I just blurted out everything that I have memorized. The examiner wrote something down and told me to leave. Happy that the whole damn exam was finished, I exited without asking questions.

To nobody’s surprise, I failed. 92 marks. 100 was the passing grade. I knew I did a terrible job. But I knew that I had an important job to do, to overcome my fear towards examinations. I know this phobia will cripple my future, and I had to find a way to gain self-confidence. I wished that I did not sweat and gulp that much during the exam, maybe then I can at least pass it. Now, I pray that I will pass the real exam, which is on 6 July. Friends, pray for me.