Too Many Eggs in The Basket

These days, the house is in a state of mess. Piles of furniture and books piled up 70% of the free space in the house, cluttered up each available corner and took up all walking spaces. Every evening when I reach home, I'll just pretend the mess doesn't exist and disappear into my room. Mum's kindergarten business has officially closed and all the entire content of the school in now in my house. The house is in a mess, we are all messed up with the tidying up, and prospect of life afterwards.

It was then Mum accussed me of being distant and selfish. A whole row of argument followed afterwards. It wasn't that simple. Suddenly everyone in the family began to accuse me of being a baigalui, the prodigal daughter. Mum told me to leave the house, aunt and grandma started to scold me, and sided mum. I felt utterly upset and angry. I was just doing what I am supposed to do. As far as I am concerned, I am supposed to study and make my future bright. However according to everyone else, I am suppose to pay more attention to my family, and with the life I am leading now, I am apparently not giving them enough care and love.

Now I'm confused. I thought by giving in all I can acheive more. I did more than I could. I scored in my exams. I worked to support myself. I engage myself in social activities like what you encouraged. I did more than what I can. I wanted to make you proud. But you were dissapointed in me instead. I'm discouraged, on top of that, I'm unhappy. I'm not enjoying my life as how you think. I'm under constant stress and I do not disclose some of my unhealthy habits of getting away because I don't want you to worry. Accordingly you assume I'm living too comfortably. I'm not. I'm tired and I'm stressed out. I have no students in December and I may need to resort to skipping meals again to save money. I have problems in college which you always fail to take interest in. On top of that I have a dream to pursue which is constantly struck down by disapproval and discouragement of others. I'm tough enough not to show it on the outside, but nobody knows how it hurts on the inside. Every word where you deem me incapable, is heartbreaking enough to leave me emotional. I'm expecting you to uphold my dreams together with me and providing me with support and encouragement, but you did the very contrary, telling me I can't be successful, I can't earn more, I can't be happy. It's okay, everytime I just swallow the hurt and move on with life.

I can understand your stress and demands, but most of the time, I am preoccupied with my own. A lot of things work if we could exercise some give and take, and to understand better. We could talk. I'm always very afraid to talk to you and you know why. I don't like those wrods of insult and discouragement. Perhaps, next time when I come back from college, ask me instead, how was my day? Not ask me to help you out with your problems and bombard me with all your naggings. Do not focus on things that I cannot do or fail to do but instead, focus on things which I have did and acknowledge them. We have a maid in the house, hence, don't always instruct us to do things. It is not the way to bind the family together, it will only crack things apart. There are so many ways to be happy together without the scrifice of effort and hard work. Can we be normal? Can we be like other people? Can we be a family? Can I not dread the end of everyday where I need to go home? We already have so much, can we just give a little more to make everything better?

It's already 10 years, 10 fucking years. Do not go back everytime problems arise. It was never the source of each problem we have. What is gone has gone and it may change us, but it does not destine who we can be. Everyone in the family is affected by the loss, yes we all are, in our own ways, but we cope with it and we move on. And since it's 10 years, just stop mentioning it. I get very angry each time you mention it because it is not a convenient label for anyone to attach everything to it. We get scholarship because we have good results, not because we have no father. Smilarly, it's not because of dad leaving that makes life difficult. It is you yourself who cannot detach yourself who make your life hard, and makes it even hard for us to tolerate your behaviour. And yes, I cannot make life easier for you when you do not make life easier for yourself. I am not Dad, stop telling me to take up his responsibilities. I cannot do too many things in a time.

It has been 10 years I'm tolerating all these shit. Events and events of unhappy moments. Moments after moments of intense fear and worry. It just clogs up hope and happiness which I deserve, that I lost so much of my teenagehood living in fear of reprimands and insults, and dreaming of the day of financial independency. Like how many times my books get thrown across the room, rehearsing how to ask allowance from you. It has been long, and it had to stop before I get tired of all these nonsense and decide to do something stupid.

Who am I today is a product of the accumulated past. They say it's a lack of love. I have to concede with regards to the point.