Now Playing: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

24 hours after the release of results, the reality sinks in. What I've got, I realise, is sufficient for the end all of my dreams, perhaps sufficient for most of my peers. But I aimed high and was disappointed, unable to accept things so ordinary. Effort was never minimal on my part, and when what I sow was lesser than that, I felt hopeless, cheated, betrayed. I distracted myself, avoiding my grief by hanging out with friends, getting intoxicated but yet when I was alone, awake and sober, like now, 24 hours later, I'm just another loser who had lost a battle and I have to face defeat like suckerpunch in my face.

The only good thing about my results is that, I passed. Knowing me, I don't want to just pass. Out of rage yesterday I tore off every motivational banner I had on my wall. now they're lying in pieces on my table, exactly, the boulevard of broken dreams. I was packing my notes, ready to give them all away knowing that I do not need them anymore as I am moving on. I can't help but to realise the bulk, the research materials, the effort, all the hardwork and sweat. My pile of articles and notes, essays, scribbled texts, torn books. I remembered those hopes those days, the energy I had, the dreams I believed in. I was so happy then, even though I strained myself senseless trying to comprehend, analyse, argue, and I thought all was for the best, and I will be rewarded in the end. I remembered amidst the mockery, the disbelief, I carried on knowing I am fighting for my better tomorrow.

Now, the enormous pile of paper meant nothing at all, nothing but representing the scarce event of an unfortunate incident where failures do, happen to those who work hard, aimed high, and believed.

Now, you know what I meant by feeling cheated and betrayed. For all the heartbreak, I can't help but to let those tears fall freely to soak those dreamfilled sheets, once, a person who dedicated so much to her dreams had wrote her heart and soul in each letter on those notes.

Can't Live Without You

You stopped me aside, in my pace, leave me gasping in awe.
You taste like midsummer night so sweet, but I need you like air,
You took over me, possess me, take me up high.
Control me, lure me into your maze, still dazzled, I beg you on my knees.

Why do I need you so? So much that has been of me.
You made up every piece of me,
My soul lingers in the presence of your breath,
My spirit leaps by your sight.

Why do I want you so? So much more than me.
I reach out to want you, thristy for you,
Hungry over the pieces you leave,
Lust over your imprint over me.

You again came back to me, call for me,
Tempt me with your scent.
I'm again cast in addiction, little then by more.
You, I only can live within, and will die without.

Is it as they say,
That you can't invent? Some get made and some get sent?
I was blinded.
Shower me a rainfall of you.

And you, you, what I call love.
It's you love that possess me.
I do not fall in love with the man.
I'm just in love with love.

Deadbeat

I was told by a classmate of mine that she actually still reads my blog despite it running into dormancy. I have no plans of reviving whatsoever, but the mind has always been idle, allowing constant influx of emotions, mixed feelings about people and the world. Hence I'd opt to vent out in a more efficient and discreet manner, ie via my blog, where I, for a fact, know that only the closest, and the most concerned people on the earth, would actually read and appreciate it.

Many years ago when my innocent world was robbed, raped and died, I always had been envious of people who think too little about everything, living in their own bubble of clean air, the warmth of the protective womb that they infest in. Many would be deem innocent, foolish, or ignorant, but I just admired the simplicity they created, and the happiness they brought to the people around them, being honest and decent without being called a hypocrite. People on the other extreme often pride themselves as being experienced, mature, having travelled the world and ready, for anything.

A: Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?
B: I don't know, but I guess I have myself to protect.
A: And I thought you loved me.
B: Yes i do, I still do, but I am...still me. My self interests.
A: No, it wasn't that when we spoke that day.
B: I don't want to be this way, no one else wants this to be in this way, but we just suck it up and move on with life. By 2 years, 5, 10, you will not know me, you will forget about me. You will have your new friends, your own family, you will be happy again. I'm just a phase you have to go through in life. I guess I'd just be a fragment of your memory. Sweet the taste, bitter, sour; I guess we have our own tastebuds that differs. You'd remember at first, and you'd reserve the memory. And by the time you have Alzeihmer's when you're dying, I'll be non existent. It's by then the last man standing, would be the one you know. And it'd not be me.

Sometimes life is just so random that I lost track of who I'm supposed to treasure. I'm so scared in losing everything in life. I grasp too much and I ran out of air all the time, and it's just not enough everytime. Yes I'd scream and cry to God asking why life is just that agonising and unfair; that people who sacrifices, makes the most efforts, are always on the losing side and are always sceptical about what content is in life. Yes, I'd try thinking from a neutral point of view, but all the time i'm too carried away, and I hated myself for that. And when they told me smiling is good for the face, i wonder what is any longer good for the dying heart.

Every morning I run 7km, and for all the distances that I've ran, I know I'll just keep you, and eveything you did to me, as a memory.

Facts

I heart them all.

Right There

I took a long run and lots of thoughts flood my mind, where all I listen, is the thumping of my iPod music and my racing heartbeat. I see cars leaving office blocks, the usual six thirty jam. I kept running, panting slightly, shirt soaked with sweat on the back.

I took a long run, the evening sky turning twilight grey. I wanted to cry so badly.

On that sudden, I hope some car can just come and knock me down, so that for once, I don't have to think. For once, I don't have to let all these heartaches and hurt to be disguised under false pretense. I don't need lies to know the truth, nor the smile to know the hurt. For once, let my aching heart die.

Of Family Ties

Not long after, sis would be flying off to Taiwan and will be spending 7 years abroad for her medical degree. I jokingly told her that by the time she's back, looking for a job locally, I'd become a senior partner in some prestigious law firm. As of now, everyone is busy with life, studies, work; we as a family rarely have time together. Times where I return to an empty house, or waking up to a quiet morning. Times when I don't get to see my siblings because by the time I'm back, they've slept. And also, times where we would resort to big arguments; mum arguing the lack of attention, sis arguing the unfair treatment received among siblings, bro with his issue of not faring well in exams. Point is, we have all our demands. Our demands sometimes overwhelm what we, as a family, are supposed to relax and enjoy. In arguing and reasoning the lack of love and attention, the amount of blame and jealousy placing on our priorities; be it work, studies, love life, ambitions, social networks......, I think we have somehow exaggerated the condition which we are in, in stating how unloved and unwanted we are, how bad it is. It's really not that bad. Family arguments are commonplace and part and parcel of, a family. What matters is that we always forgive each other and move on, bearing in mind that we still love each other and try our best in making each other happier and contented in life.



And I know I can only trust my family 100% but no other, and my family will always protect me like no other; as we have been always sticking through thick and thin, helping each other and reminding us of the mistakes we've done to not repeat, cautioning us of those dangers ahead so that we won't fall into traps. Like how they've been supportive of me when I studied law, and how forgiving they are when I did badly in my STPM, and how proud they've been when I scored. And those, are little things, little expressions that always make my life worth living up to their expectations.

Shreds and Scenes

Every year, I told myself to bring flowers instead. Those white ones I know where they are sold cheapest, down the street where florists sell in bulk. Be it roses, or daisies. Oh yes I should get those white daisies; their petals perfect for the bouquet, green stalks, leaves. It has always been a significant day to remember, yet I told myself everyday is a day to remember because what is eternal stays alive deep inside. And I said, flowers are good because they look pretty in a bouquet sitting quietly on the backseat of the car; with the morning sunshine illuminating droplets of water; be it dew or sprayed droplets, on the plastic sheet, the white petals,the green leaves.

I would have been alone talking; going along without any drawbacks, conversations maybe, and I presume I would be happy to be given the liberty and freedom of so. I would have allowed myself to explore my memory, to expand on things I barely remember, or things I never forget. Or I would have talked of all my problems, troubles, worries; even I know they will not invite any solution. Unilateral may be yielding no reply, but there is effort, and I know that in each inch of effort, is my sincerity and willingness that's what that matters. It had mattered to you of who am I, and I would want myself to live towards that presumption.

So I want to be alone and bring along that bouquet of daisies. They would have been dried and died the next time I come by, or most probably, someone will dump the fresh bouquet before I could even say goodbye.

Just A Quick One...

Leaving this blog of mine derelict for almost a month is of a qualified reason; exams. Yes, the all-time-dread of exams are here, counting down 60 something days (or is it 50 something?). I'm scared to the max bearing in mind a few personal goals I sought to achieve and to believe. Being in juggler mode, of course, is tiring. Balancing work and studies at the same time has proven to be one mission consisting of many sacrifices, enorous effort and military discipline.

After starting to hate myself for being 10 times slackier than last year (yes, I'm honest), I'm now down with slight fever and a major fountain going on in my right nostril. And lecture hall EF which is usually stuffy feels inhumanly freezing today.

Bloody hell.

That's for all, a quick one before I head to bed.
And I'm reminded that I don't really need an iPad 2.

Love Is In The Air!

I'll sing Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble for this Valentines.


For everyone who is celebrating, have fun but be safe!=D

Not Human

After my students have left for the night, I was overwhelmed with fatigue; all I could think of, and what I want, is to yell as loud as I can. My schedule for the month was jam packed with classes and tuition sessions, everyday, not even sparing the weekends. Every night after class, the dizziness hits altogether with tantamount levels of stress. On one hand I'm worried about all my students who are taking PMR and SPM this year, on another I'm worried about my exams which are 3 months away. It's a struggle between both extremes, good grades, and good money.

I do feel bad when I had to reject most of the invitation my friends extended for leisure and entertainment. While others can enjoy the liberty of having fun and enjoying their life, I've to sacrifice the few remaining years of student life to secure an income. I envy my friends who have no worries about money, which their only primary duty is to study, whom their parents could afford to support them. I do question the inequalities, but I do also accept the ugly truth of unfairness of the world. I did not choose to be born poor. But I also know that I should be grateful for there are many others who do not even have the opportunity to work and study. When I'm blessed with both, I should carry them with the mentality of a fighter, and accept challenges as they will shape me into a better person.

Every time when I feel my eyes failing me, when I had to struggle to stay awake because I'm forced to study off working hours, I'm feeding myself the thought that all these difficulties which I go through, is only a temporary phase in life.

I must stand tall to withstand fatigue, slack and procrastination. I must stand strong and allow discipline to impose agony, for when there is pain, there will be motivation, there will be commitment. Pleasure will follow. I'll remind myself the promises I've made to myself, the world, my family, those who I care about present and future.

That because they should deserve better, and I will be the best I can be to ensure that they'll not encounter life as what I had did.

I'm determined that I'm the creator of my own fate and destiny. Circumstances would not hold me down, forces of hardship will not extinguish my energy.

I'm protecting my dreams by fighting for them. I'm in battleground every day, but I'm not afraid, and I know, victory is not as far and fictitious as the world paint it to be.

I'm ensured, and I believe, that success, will be mine one day.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Family and Friends

I honestly had never consumed so many poultry products in my life before, but this CNY had turned me into a half carnivore. 3 consecutive days of pork leg vinegar, duck meat, bakzham kai, two days of Bak Kut Teh in different locations, seafood, etc, etc. I told sis I want to be vegetarian for two months, she told me to go far far and play.



After coming back to KL, I took the remaining days of the break to splurge in the pool of reunion atmosphere. Spent some time with Rotaractors in Audrey's house for open house. Later on, shisha-ed with Amelia and Brandon. Family in KL had some major makan trip going on, ranging from seafood in Kuala Selangor to BKT in Klang. My aunt and uncle was back from Japan after two years hence the bit of trip around. Of course my all-time-favorite cousins are always lingering near, hence, the fun was plentiful. I almost choked blood after paying 25 bucks for one hour of badminton yesterday. Today, I woke up at 3pm and stared at the ceiling recalling everything and realising holidays are over.

And ou yeah, say hello to 93 days more to LLB exams!

The Trip Back

The reunion taught me a lot of things, at least it made more or less of an impact on what I've used to think. It has been a long 8 years since we've celebrated CNY with my paternal grandparents and relatives. When I was young balik kampung trips used to be fun filled; with extensive map reading lessons and bottomless topics to talk an laugh about. Now, on the same front passenger seat, things are different. Different people drove the car; the car is different, the atmosphere was substantially different; the motionless stupor and strong silence. Nobody would have quoted this a good trip, unless, oh wells. Unless things are the same as ten years back.

The thing good about Pekan Nenas is the fact where things never changes. So when we were finding the way to the house it made our lives simpler. Another thing about the place is everyone seem like celebrating CNY like some big thing, because everyone in the village will blast fireworks at night. It's every house in the bloody village. And it's those full fledge nice colourful fireworks which is obviously illegal and expensive. And the stupid firecrackers made my car red after blasting shreds of paper debris which STUCK to my car. Not only that, we've saw lion dance, visited temples which are walking distance away. Of course I don't pray in temples but I'm just interested in the culture. In that village, everyone knows everyone, and everyone's daughters and sons and grandchildren.

Plus, my cousin have got a son who I've no idea at all. ZZZZzzZZZzz. I didn't even knew she got married, considering she's just 18. I've also got 4 year old twin cousins who I already forgot their names by now. Of all my cousins there, we don't even talk; the most being hi, bye, eat already? all these nonsense. How close I'm with my paternally related cousins? Oh wells.

After 3 days of extensive eating baazar and non stop booze, I'm back in KL. I'm so happy being back in KL because it's my home, but the journey back got me thinking.

No matter how much I'm drawn apart from them, my Dad's side relatives, are still family regardless. Indisputable fact, and bound not by choice, but by blessing. No matter how dramatic things had been during the past, no matter how mum thinks of them (she herself also super ego sial, kaacaucau there, ish), I've still got them as family. Although I've complained about the boring distance back to JB, the relatively isolated geography of the village, the lalabengs people there, the super kuno-ness ideology they have, I'm having no regrets of boarding this trip back to my hometown. After 8 years of CNY in KL, my 2011 CNY in Johor is one with lots of gluttony, gossips and one which I'll never forget.


Fuji Instax Mini trial shot, featuring yours truly, my siblings and my grandma.

Dose of Hope

I'd probably be posting less about Rotaract and more about other stuff but since my weekends are thoroughly laden with Rotaract work, hence, there you go, another Project by the Rotaract Club of ATC: Dose of Hope.

All about AIDS awareness and fund raising, we spent one whole day under the sun in The Curve spreading the message. Living with AIDS is equivalent to living in stigma and discrimination. Most of us fail to realise the importance of giving hope, second chances, equal opportunities to AIDS victims because we are fortunate. Yes, prevention is one ambit we lay our focus on, but when there is contact with victims, society at large shun them aside and label them in order to discriminate.


We have got lots of performances and fun activities for crowd drawing purposes; you need a crowd to educate ma right, logic. We have even got AEISEC University Malaya to come join us in awareness raising. MAC gave us flyers. The Curve was kind enough to gave us a rebate on the name of charity. The lion dance was also on rebate price, so as the PA system. It's great to see that, society cares.


Of course, million thanks to the awesome crew who made everything possible.


Thanks Rotaract, for making me grow up.

In Your Head

On many accounts, doubt often comes into play and I'd find myself on crossroads, to play safe or to make paradigm shifts. Often, I'll choose to mingle and test waters, but within the safe ambit of my comfort zone. Fear plays the most important role in limiting my actions; being that I'm worried of the if-not-s rather than to believe in the positive possibilities.

Anyhow, as I have made resolutions for the new year, I've decided to embrace some of the challenges thrown up front on my face. Bearing in mind the following:


And hence, I'm PE.

Sign For Your Life

The preparation of Project Sign For Your Life (SFYL)was like a massive Karaken roller coaster ride. From high point enthusiastic discussion to no funds, from a four digit pump of cash to no participants, point was, everything was happening at the same time. On the morning of the event, I woke up late and Brandon was forced to have a conversation with my mum after yelling like a madman outside my house for half an hour.


In a nutshell, SFYL was a success, though there are obviously mistakes for us to learn and grow from. Of course, there is the awesome crew to thank and the mastermind Denise, as Organising Chair to be awed of. It was a massive project, and it ended well.

I was also reminded by CP Chiew Ee, that we do Projects because we want the society and members of the Club to benefit from it, not to fulfill criteria and win awards.

Weekends Wireless

I shall pledge for discipline from today onwards. The fact where I used to wake up at 6.30am every day has became some long forgotten civilisation which needed a revival. Oh please remind me that my LLB Exams are like 125 days away and I'm still moping around either with extreme entertainment or moments of high tide emo. No good.

*

That aside, I attended DRC together with my Rotaract mates for three days in Hulu Langat. That place was so ulu that my phone line went dead for the period I was there and I only realised the missed calls and SMSes after leaving. Initially, I was quite unhappy because kiasu people like me view skipping classes as a cardinal sin. The idea of missing Wayne Morrison's existentialist class was like a uber WTF and missing Sunday classes added salt to the wound. I was cursing prior days to the event until somebody who I can't remember told me to shut up and remember my role as Secretary to the Club.

But the Conference proved me wrong that it was a waste of time. The talks are all interesting and inspiring, provided me with insights and enlightenment, (Okay it's weird to suggest, but I'm the kind of person who enjoy listening to talks). Initially I thought it would be some lame speaker but it turned out otherwise.


I enjoyed spending time with my fellow Rotaractors and talk crap with them. Getting closer to them as my friends is fun and pleasant. Moreover, it's an avenue to meet more new people and get to know new friends.


And proud to be from RAC ATC who once again, contributed the most number of participants to DRC=)


Prior departure.

*Disclaimer: All photos are stolen from Aaric Iskandar.

It was an experience of its kind, I'm glad I participated despite missing classes. But kiasuness never dies in Hui Ting, and hence I somehow manage to sprint to college right after DRC to attend Trust class. The point is at least, my conscience is fulfilled.


And shall I say, see you next year? =D

Emo

I waited and waited and waited, nothing happened. Disappointed, I went to bed. Lying down for hours, tossing and turning under the sheets, unable to close my eyes. I feel like vomiting, feel not like eating, have no energy to jog during the evenings, feels like dying, feels like giving up, feels like everything has gone. I feel hurt, angry, envious, but at the same time, helpless and powerless.

I miss you.

Two-Oh-One-One

Hui Ting wishes all a very happy 2011. Let's usher the new year with full blitz of awesomeness and fresh hopes!

I spent the last day of 2010 with college friends, going through a crazy bit of road drive and drama outside people's house, and finally, randomly ended up in a park drinking beer while looking at fireworks from a distance. 3.45am driving alone on the way back home, the aftermath of a tired mind forged an array of thoughts; resolutions for the new year and reflection for the old.

In short, terrible moments of hardship during 2010 made me anchor my actions and thoughts in life to a purpose I take accountability to my ambitions and aspirations. Although there are unbearable moments of difficulties, I thank God for giving me those challenges that produced a better result of me, better than I deserve, in fact. As for 2011, I would want a blast. With a challenging Pt 1 syllabus, increasing Rotaract responsibilities, additional number of tuition students; my life would require me twice the amount of effort, twice the amount of balancing skills, twice the amount of discipline, twice the amount of efficiency. Scary, but I'll make this my challenge for the year.

That humble opinion aside, I still materialistically, want those awards, the recognition, the applause and the stage.

Happy 2011 everybody!