Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Prodigal Daughter

Today I felt lifeless and above all extremely discouraged. It feels though as if life is so bloody fucked up and meaningless. Yes I am swearing and I am using present tense, get my language. I am tired to pretending that I am so fucking happy with life and I am damn contented with what I have. No. I am particular of what I lack and what I lust and I don't give a fucking damn if this concerns anyone else in this world because I am sick of faking it. I AM SICK OF FAKING IT! Faking my obedience towards anyone I AM suppose to respect and love. Because the truth is I do not and I am sorry to say you can disown me anytime and just throw me out of the house. The truth is that above your all time traditional issue-matic problematic FAMILY VALUES, I don't know why, I just cannot fathom why above all, you value it so highly, and hello, this is indirectly creating the rebel in me so don't blame my influences aka church, college etc and categorise them as bad. The freaking truth is that I see this family adhering to all nonsense which is ultimately your pride. You're proud to fake we are living in a blissful close knitted family and everybody just loves each other so much. BULL SHIT. You want to show everyone how outstanding we children are because of your effort as our mother, forcing us to study study and study, fail one exam doomed for life. NO LIFE. I have no life. All my life is to study and study and I don't even know, until this very day, what is my purpose of studying so hard and sacrifice all my shit I am supposed to enjoy as a teenager. I am sick of fulfilling YOUR expectations. I have achieved NOTHING in pursuit of making you proud, earning all titles as a top student in high school, and now I asked myself what purpose is that I had gained so much because it amounts to absolutely fucking, nothing? I am no good daughter I know, but all I want is to have freedom. I cannot even practice the freedom of speech in this fucking madhouse and for everybody's sake I AM A LAWYER TO BE STUDYING LAW. Fuck! How pathetic is that? I am not the kind of person who follows routine and your set of rules because I have my own thinking which develops across the years due to exposure to the outside world while you stay in the range of your comfort zone. This is the 21st century and people evolves fast and please get your mind out of the 80s. This is the era of globalisation not cow mowing fields or some shit. For one thing, now that you have made an issue out of freedom that I wanted, is because you had made freedom so elusive and it is something I only can achieve in my dreams or one of us dies. This is because you had earned such a degree of disrespect or whatever shit you want to call that. It is true that I do not love my family because I just simply think that I can do good without you. No? Yes, I have ability and I would not hesitate to turn back or ask for help. I rather be some beggar on the streets because you made me have such level of disgust towards you. Everytime I try to reason you would tamper me with disrespect, branding me as the bad egg of the family, telling my siblings how not to follow my example, telling all relatives how disgracing I have been. I am shamed and I have the identity as oooh there comes Hui Ting the rebel who breaks her mum's heart because she thinks she is smart and everybody avoid her because you love your mum. What the fuck, man. I am 20 for goodness sake. I am a freaking adult not the kid who needs spanking because she has a smart mouth. Of course I have my views and damn you if you shut me up by either slapping me on the face or throwing water on me I can bloody hell sue you man. I have no reluctance in doing so as I have no heart and I am not bothered to have one. Nobody is going to respect you if you pull them by their ears and spit in their face and chant respect me respect me, bitch everyday. No, for everybody's sake stop making yourself look like an idiot and get a new method and attitude. What I can give is, well, I don't know what I can give anymore. All that I can give you is either insufficient or it is not that you want. i am done with pleasing you and I want back my identity as Hee Hui Ting the individual not the family daughter. All that I do to my life whether wrong or right is the account of my own actions and I take full responsibility and it does not work the way as if you behave nastily people would think why the mother never educate her properly. This is your problem and your pride. I have my own beliefs in my life. I want to practice them and you are stopping me. I am done with the your mum is the centre of your life mantra. I am also done with the your dad has died please love your family more ideology. I am not perfect and I fail to live to your expectations and you should disown me and let me rot on the streets. You finally knew that my ultimate goal for studying is to leave this madhouse one day. Great. You finally got it. I will leave. It's just a matter of time and it would be the best day of my life. I have no issues in saying I spent the most miserable times of my life at home. The home which robbed my freedom and my life. You will have issues. You have to deal with it. Get over it. I don't give a damn whether I am your daughter or not. It doesn't matter anyway to me. If freedom should be obtained without my family, then it should be. If marriage should obstruct freedom I would not marry. If working far away from home provides freedom I would seek the opportunity. I will, in any way, seek for freedom that I lust. Of whatever I do now, my persistence in praying and my priority in studies to my choice in my circle of friends, any thing, it works towards to goal of leaving the house and having freedom of living on my own. You cannot use money to bind me. Money for a short while, would not be the issue anymore. Get the facts right. I have grown up, time to let me go. I cannot stay forever by your side. Learn to grow up, mum. Learn to be independent.

PS: I still love you no matter what. It is just that my thoughts are more radical than your traditional mindset. I know you would not disown me. Butif you are reduced to do so, I have no issues with it.

9 comments:

Cheryl said...

cool down, my dear..
breathe in and out!
cool down...

huiting said...

zzzz...

Unknown said...

wow i am sorry to hear that huiting. u know my friend here lives in california, her parents from china and her mom is like that too. demanding more and more, asking her to fake her smile if not will throw the family face. and also wont let her out because the mom think she doesnt deserve any good thing in this world despite her being top violinist in an orchestra and awards she got. Her mom is hokkien, she told my friend ' lee kee si ' ( you go die)
...

Twinkle Tinker Twins said...

Chill...any problem wiv family o juz anything bothering u... call me... i'm all ears

huiting said...

joyce. Owh, your friend there...Anytway thanks for dropping by and conveying your concern.
ysin, I also dunno what to do already. better off to get married fast and get disappeared.

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