Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Womb Which Carried Thee

I am pissed.

You're being irrational. Again. And again and again I had tried very hard to look pass it and prevent myself from flying into rage. Despite my abundance of patience and forgiveness, I am still human, and my patience is wearing thin. My temper is on surface again and I find myself losing my consciousness over some childish things you said. We both know that you said this out of anger but it still shook me like a slap on the face. Every word that seem nothing to you, turn out to be spite of poison on my thriving soul.

I am so restricted and so helpless growing up in this place. This is so irritating. I cannot even concentrate on my basic duties, but rather you will start to burden me with those stuff that you believed that I should do. You have all your traditional issues in your mind. I resented that, because it is unjust to me. I already did my part, but I have to perform duties I never see my peers doing them. I cannot enjoy many things that my peers do in pleasure. I missed a large chunk of teenagehood trying to pick up myself and start behaving like an adult. I am so burdened by responsibilities that I had less time to find my own goals and dreams. I am so lost and nobody cared. I trained myself to be a person with zero compassionate and without a heart. I never took pity on myself and you. I had given up on life due to your interference with mine.

You found fault with things I do. You had never been satisfied and you like to point out my flaws. I am far from perfection, but you have to know that I am unique in my own ways. Don't blame me for not siding you, because you never did for me. Don't blame me for loving other people more, because you never did that to me too. Don't blame me for ever feeling to leave this place, because you made me feel so. I rather be a refugee in some other place, but this familiar place where it only holds bitterness and misery. Don't blame me because i am not filial. I am not perfect. i cannot be totally forgiving and tolerating. I have limits, and this is it.

You want exchange for an exchange? Money is so important to you right? I know, you always like to threaten me with your benefits over my weaknesses. You take away things you know I couldn't live without. You never supported me, but you sided with people who made my fall. You never encouraged me, but you saw in line with people who never agreed me. What kind of person you are? A person without trust on me, never had at least tried to look at me for once, with the expression besides hatred.

Maybe you're correct, I should have never been born.

PS: I'm so lost. Teach me how to be a better person.


Matt said...

Only God can make you a better person.
Keep praying mei.
May you find rest and peace in Him.
I sayang you loads!


huiting said...

dude, I am fed up lar. But now I'm okay.
Sorry lor, but my mood swings and I practically don't care.

mikaharima said...

hey you!!!!
note that... when u're lost... there's a bunch of people out there (including me of course!!) who are more than willing to be ur guide and also to be the 'place' for you to vent your anger or watever that bothers u~~~

p/s: missing the times when we were sooo carefree!!!! grrr... happy times...

p/s/s: when will we ever meet again??????????????

huiting said...

hey dear. i do wish we can meet. another day lar. And thank you. I know you guys are on my side. Love ya loads!