Scar-let

The mood for CNY had gone sour mainly because I don't have the mood to celebrate it. And partly because my family thinks that holidays are for relaxing, not socialising. But hough, we had a small gathering where the adults had alcohol and gossips and the kids just facebooked.




Yesh...you've seen Cash the fat puppy again.

Updates:
1. I watched Inkheart with my siblings and cousins at TGV Kepong and it wasn't up to my expectations. It's too brief for me, definitely not my cup of tea. And having the kids around is proven disaster. They were LOUD. Kept pestering me to watch Red Cliff instead, which says that Red Cliff is a CHINESE MOVIE. I don't watch Chinese Movies after having lots of bad experiences, just I don't trust their production quality. Which also says I am proudly a Chinese. What is this..."call me fan guat zai"

2. Went karaoke with my Maxwell friends and found out one of them actually had a boyfriend since a long time ago which I had no idea. And I consider myself as very busybody? Maybe not. LOL. And sheesh...I sucked at karaoke. Just sucked at anything verbal except for talking. I just don't know how to sing, and I was amazed by how confident my friends display their singing skills. So throughout the karaoke session I just pretended to be very busy with the fries and the coke. And when requested to sing, I demanded to have the accompaniment on. But I pretty enjoyed myself looking at them singing. After karaoke we went to watch Underworld 3: The Rise of The Lycans in Pavillion KL. The couple went dating so we don't want to disturb them any further. Actually I requested for the movie, as they guys just want to go visit friends during CNY. But they accompanied me though. Underworld was another disaster for me, I think the whole movie was set in a drain, and it was too much violence for me. Bloody. And another thing was I feel that I forced those guys to watch. They don't really enjoyed it. The company was awkward. Then later when we wanted to get back home and it was raining so they just bore the rain while I had the umbrella. Hardly saw them behaving so gentlemanly in school. Caused me spellbounded for that instant.
*And on that very day sis went ice-skating with my cousins.

3. I had a long chat with Shin Peih my buddy =D A very good one at Desa Parkcity, Waterfront. We dined at Kay's Cafe. I'm happy for her and her new boyfriend now, because they love each other. A very blissful couple. Hope that they will last long, forever...

4. I am forced to bring work home. I am furious with myself, because I made a promise not to bring any work home. But this was inevitable. Just too many exam papers to set. And the process of preparing exam papers is tiring, time-taking and boring.


Looks simple but it's time consuming.
And I resented it.

5. I bought Wuthering Heights (another classic, yes), February's CLEO and Reader's Digest. I started Wuthering Heights for two pages, and felt it was seriously better than Sense and Sensibility. Perhaps I like Bronte over Dickens. Oh whatever. CLEO isn't much interesting though, because I can't find anything useful on Valentine's for Singles. LOL.


My bundle of joy. =D I love books.

6. Cut my knee while shaving my legs. Pain seriously.


Thanks to mum recommending the men shaver.

7. Been emo.


Felt ashamed.

8. Made something for Twins to celebrate their turning point to 2 decades. 20 years ald dude!


Ain't it cute? I hand-made it.

9. And I seriously need motivation and protection.


Ciaoz~

All Wounds

It finally got into my mind that this is not going anywhere anymore. At least, it's not anywhere in front. But this is finally the time that I am not having the idea of still tugging onto the lone string that held the question in my mind for so long. If I am not able to get an answer, so might well as I just forget about the question and move on with life. It's not something somebody had said. In fact I have done listening to his apologies that seem insincere to me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and nonjudgmental. All this while I believe that there were questions running in both our minds but I'm pretty sure each of us were too insecure about making any moves that might change today. Besides, it's not the advices and opinions that changed my sense of self-realisation, because no matter how my friends assure me that this is not my fault, I am still very conscious about how this issue had taken its toll on me, merely because I believed that they were just lending a helping hand, to make me feel better. But not pulling me out of the sense of elation because in fact the people who knew me will never look at me the same as before, after so long I had built my image of a person who will never dwell in emotions and relationships. I do sincerely appreciate their care during that time, because I believe that without them, I cannot withstand the pressure and unable to concentrate. But after that, the sense of guilt had again overcame my momentary blocked conscious. Let's face the truth, because I even look down on myself as I regard myself as worthless and even cheap.


Previously when I thought myself as a person who can live without bringing up my emotions when circumstances truly need them, and I had been the person who had looked down on other people who portray their feelings openly, without fearing the possibility of rejection. I had been the one who gossiped and laughed along. And I did got my own taste of medicine when I face this problem single-handedly. I realised that most of the time, emotions cannot be controlled no matter how hard you try. The whole idea of juggling between appearances and attitude seem like a joke for me. Solely because I believe that I am not very pretty, not very outstanding, not girly enough, and in fact I'm boyish, rough, and if there were a list, I am going to be the one at the last. No matter how much I campaigned about being striking in personality to win hearts, I still think that somehow, appearances do matter a lot. I'm not blaming the eye of the world in choosing. Because packaging is still branding, and advertising, and no matter how sucky the content was, you still can illustrate it as attractive as you can on the outside. I knew this since a very long time ago, and I believe that my life is going to be fine if I can be the best in everything if I can trade in my relationship. So for years I carry on my thoughts until the time came and I was unfortunately unable to control my emotions. And it shows how weak my soul is. And I resented it. As I know I am no pretty face or charming face, I excelled in studies, showed my leadership and managing skills, portrayed my creative talents, in order for my peers to look up to me for what I am, not what I look like. But I also got to know that actually a lot of self confidence comes from how good looking a person is. So it's like minus 50 marks for each social event I go. Because you don;t carry around a plat card saying you're the best Biology student. The first step is often triggered by looks. And saying that it's vital in life, and something I am rendered unpossesive of, thus unabling me a lot of opportunities, and most importantly, lowering my self-esteem and confidence.


It's great to have friends sticking up for me all the time, asking about the progress. But it sucked to make them worry, especially when the timing is bad and there were so much things needed to be taken care of, anything but my problem. And besides, it's my own matter, so in the end, it's still me making the decision whether to do anything about it. This is a realisation that I actually hated to have the feeling that it's floating in mid-air, not going anywhere. By right it's already ended, I think, because he has disappeared. And he has not bothered to keep in touch and finally I have also thought of myself unworthy his attention and decided that he, like any guy out there, just cannot resist the 7-year-itch, and speaking about just 7 months here. Sigh, sadly, I get that he is just playing around and not wanting to commit himself into anything because of a few reasons. And these reasons are as I assumed, firstly, because he is very aware of the differences between both of us, saying that I possess the taste he cannot manage to fulfill. And he was all the while wrongly assuming that I will be conscious about the material demands that he deemed unnecessary. In short, he wrongly-assumed that I cannot be sought after by someone of his kind. Secondly, I believe that this is because he is ashamed about what I am, because as I mentioned I am not good-looking while he is. Thirdly, he had no courage, being passive as he used to be. Lastly, this whole agenda is just me wrongly assuming that he had liked me, in fact he did not and I was too self-obsessed to ever think like that and fall for the fictitious sense of non-existing attraction.


I believe that I am a very good friend as I treat all my friends equally well and I understand and tolerate their differences in order to bring out the best of us by all means of friendship. I had always committed to trust my friends and I do not wish to lose one because of the mistake that both of us had made. I do not wish to quarrel and misunderstand as I know it will lead to unbearable sufferings and pain to both of us. And I also do not like to just guess and guess about what is wrong between us. In fact, both of us were just guessing it all the time and never got the guts to ask the final question which maybe will make a difference. I just hated the fact that simply all of those unpleasant events happened in a bad timing, I chose to abandon my friend and chose to make myself feel better, as in making myself blaming him for everything that had happened. I know that I am weak and cowardly, and I cannot face my own fears and I cannot break out from my protective mask and just solve the problem. In the end, I just simply chose to run away from the truth that I think both of us and most of my friends have already knew. I admit that I am not entirely truthful when I spoke to him. I had lied and sinned. And I believed so did he. But all those lies and assumptions had bought us to this step today, so upsetting until one of us finally gave up and fade away. I know it's unbearable. I have flaws because I am human and he forgave a lot of my mistakes but I am too arrogant to realise his tolerance. And yet I had started a lot of unwanted fights with him and it shattered our friendship before bringing it further. And if there is not stable foundation, how tall can the building go? I had always said I hated his sensitivity and not realising that actually I am also very emotional. So in the end it's me tasting my own dose of medicine when this issue turned bitter. It's a story of two people holding their pride to high, and finally this pride is so precious that it worth blank nothingness in the end. How foolish is human. How pitiful I looked when I was afraid of myself. It's not him I pity now. It's my alter ego, my prideful and arrogant, insecure and non-moving stone hearted beast that I gave my pity to. A fool and a coward.


I had learnt a very valuable lesson of life as I face my own monsters everyday. Each night, I pray for the will to sleep without dreams. Each morning, I wake to learn to enjoy my life without his presence. I eliminate his portrait from my head each day as I go, knowing that this process needs time and faith. Of course I regard myself as a survivor from a terrible ordeal. I thank all my friends making the effort to make me feel better. Seriously I am fine but as you guys know, time is vital here, just give me the space and time to let go. I thank God for giving me strength to face everyday without him. Giving me faith to keep believing in your mercy and power. Giving me hope as you never fail me.

Reunion Dinner

Before reunion dinner me and sis camwhored in the car just to kill time because mum was moping around as usual, don't know what she wanted to find. Then kena-lah. She mumbled about us not being helpful so we just shrugged in silence.


So after the 10 minute drive (mum was speeding) from Bandar Sri Damansara to Bandar Utama, we reached as the last family at grandma's place. But luckily they haven't started eating so considered punctual.

We had two tables because there were too many people and too many people who had gone taller (or sideways), so each generation conquered one table. I'm the eldest at the grandchildren table because my cousin had went to Ukraine to study Medicine. Firstly we 'lou' the yee snag first. And while you 'lou' you have to say auspicious words like lou go fong shan shui hei...WTF?? LOL


The Yee Sang 'lou-ing' process.


The food. =P Mouth-watering and eye-opening.

After dinner we had punch.



And Bordeaux.


After dinner everyone did their own stuff.


The kids facebooked all night.


The teens played with Cash the fat puppy and watched HBO.


The ladies of the elder generations started a bat-poh-wui.

We talked and talked until everyone was tired and headed back home at about 2am. The security was eying us suspiciously when we reached home.

The next day everyone woke up at 12 noon. Goodness. Mum was furious but she can't blame anyone. LOL Gong Xi Fa Chai.

The Chogalore

One thing I simply love during CNY is the food. And unmistakably words like bakua, lapcheong, cookies and mandarin oranges will come to the shopping list. Well, I am never a fan of bakuas and lapcheongs, the only thing I fancy among the assortment of delicacies during the celebrations are:

COOKIES.

However, I freakingly HATED to bake. The whole process sucked up totally to me except for the eating part. Heck. Because when it comes to baking, I will get the most gruesome task such as scrubbing pans, cleaning bowls, mopping the oily floor...So unless mum really wanted to bake (of whatever reasons), I would have just accompany her to buy cookies from known dealers. Like last year, mum just bought a crate of Ferrero Rocher and that's all. No more long hours sitting at the kitchen banging my ass off while making kuih bangkit.

While most baking sessions involving my participation were unpleasant ones with me either showing a sour face or an annoying attitude, so no photos were taken simply because I had no mood. So this particular string of photos were taken due to my overexcitement about the chocolate cookies baking thingy.

These particular cookies are quite popular. So I think most already know how does it taste like. The flavour just varies depending on the amount of almond powder you use and the type of chocolate coating you use.

So in the end it was:


Tray one up close.


Tray one: actual size.


Tray one and two combined.


Another type.


Tray No.3.


White chocolate coating.


The galore.

I bloody lurve CNY. Yes, because of the food. It doesn't taste first class, but I still enjoyed savoring success.

Heritage

Know these stuff? Wooden molds. Tiny floral and animal patterned holes carved into solid wood. These are molds used to make tapioca cookies. Nowadays, wooden ones are slowly replaced by the existence of technology, as plastic ones came into recent fashion.

Mum said that a lot of people nowadays don't know the recipe to produce high quality flavour tapioca cookies, because industralised baking methods are so common now. With CNY just around the corner, urban inhabitants will usually choose to buy, rather than make the effort to bake.

Although I was initially grumpy about baking biscuits for the season(being sarcastic as usual), then I thought about traditions, and the meaning of each celebration which made impact to me.

If we just celebrate for the sake of enjoying the holidays, then where lies the meaning of each celebration? Why not take the process of preparing ourselves to admire our culture and appreciate our heritage? Why not take the initiative to be close to friends and family, because during every other day, we're so preoccupied with our lives?


The tapioca biscuits we made today is not just about savoring success and calling it a day after canning them into plastic boxes.


It's all about asking yourself how much you know about your roots. How well is your knowledge about your custom. Do you seek enlightenment about your origins, or just merely blankly follow the trends of urbanisation as you live in the city of modern lights.

Gong Xi Fa Cai everybody.

The Sheer Disappointment

Despite all those lousy exam results during my entire Form 6 life, I still consider myself proficient in English Language. Languages are the only subjects I consider myself strong, one of the best in school. I'm not saying that I'm excellent. It's just that comparatively, I am obviously outstanding the rest.

I always have the thought that I can work myself towards Band 6 in MUET. Despite all my failing grades in the 4 core subjects, I really wished that I could excel in the only subject I pay interest and passion to. The only chance for me to redeem myself over the past 2 years in Form 6, is by at least performing great in at least something.

So much blank hopes and waiting...

MUET results were released this morning. I checked my results online since I cannot leave work and go to school to collect my slip. I was very nervous, and trembled for almost 15 minutes before I got the courage to click on the website.

So that's it. Band 5.

When I saw the band, I was like: Whoa.....Band 5, ONLY?
Then my mind went completely blank. But inside, something weightily fell into the deep pit in my stomach. It all felt so hollow and dark inside. The disappointment was beyond words. If I cried, no tears will flow. If I yelled, no words will come out...


I pictured those times in class, wondering where I did wrong. Was this because I was too arrogant not to pay attention in class? Was it because I held my expectations too high? Maybe I'm not good at all, just the false impression my peers gave me... It's so easy to blame the exam being hard, the conditions were bad, the system sucks, it's too easy.

Those consolations are great, thanks, made an effort, but I can't be better for now. So much for staying by faith's side, now I really knew what disappointment really means.

It's the kind of feeling you get when you fall. Hard.

I whispered:'Band 5 just isn't good enough. It puts me the same as everyone else. I already lost my only hope. I'm nothing at all.'

Linger-The Cranberries

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

PS: Understanding maybe just isn't the key of acceptance. The more you know, the more disappointment you get. The harder the wound shall heal. Hear me?


The silence is deafening.
Dear, you can't wait for me, coz I'm done waiting for you.

Random

My table is always kinda messy, and it always stays that way, and I liked it that way, because it's artistic to me and I find things easily done that way.

Okay, but mum isn't listening to my reasons. Today, she complaint that my table was too messy. Like any other day. My table is never neat.

But since I'm so free at home, and to keep myself busy, I decided to just clean the table for her sake so that everybody is happy and she will shut up and let me online in peace.

Now my table is neat.


But heaven knows till when it will stay such way. Maybe it's still messy to you guys. I dunno. I am never a good housekeeper.

Placed some photos of friends.


=D=D Mostly group photos we took in school. In Maxwell as well as St. Mary.


Added a basket to chuck in miscellaneous stuff.


Stuffed animals to add a lil bit of cheerfulness. Blawh...


Stacked my magazines nicely.

Added some pictures and a message board.(dunno what to call, the one people stick pins on it, made of cork punya board)


Eh, those pictures are the photos I took during Pangkor trip, and proven cantik cantik belaka!


A magazine holder to put in my papers. This holder is nice, because it's made of ratan. I like it.


Another basket to put in facial masks and conditioner.

So, it results in a very nice table. So much for tidying up.

...................................................................................

Some stuff I did
1. Went 1U 2 times in a row and kao tim all CNY clothes.


A part of the clothes that I've bought.

2. Bought a book at MPH. Decided to finish it by the week.


Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen. Don't ask me why I read classics.

3. Having the dilemma whether to apply for OneCard. Because going 1U so often and not applying is like..ermm..


Wasted?

4. Saw a gang of Baskin Robbins fans lining up during 31st. You know why.


Lining up for ice-cream. Dude, try Haagen-Daaz even they don't have 31% discount on ice-creams. Taste equally nice.

5. Adding extra tuition classes to my timetable. I started to give home tuition and add another few classes to the original schedule.


And that's the mess I created trying to sort things out when parents suddenly call. Get panicked easily. Probably I'll consider teaching art classes too, since they have vacancy.

6. I'm going to start work officially as a teacher at Sekolah Sri Bestari. Got the offer. So I'm a teacher.

7. Still owing twins money because of buying this bag from Wh ages ago.


Suitable for teaching. Because it's so big, everything can be chucked inside. Convenient. Period.

8. I bloody love Lancome Magnifique edt.



I want Lancome Magnifique.
I want DKNY Delicious night.
I want Dior J'adore.

I want any fragrance. Anything but CK.

* PS: I keep myself busy because it works to keep my head clear from some irritating stuff. I won't overwork. Seriously.

The First Post of The Year

Today has been a tiring day. I went to different places in one go, never stopped my pace. And phew, tiring but rewarding at the same time.

Anyway, Happy New Year everybody!

The past new year eve had been a lame one, namely I went mamaking with the twins and bored our asses off. So trying to make this year's a nicer one, I have been drawing up some plans to make this significant day a memorable one.

Plan one was go Starbucks with the twins, Shin Peih and Zi Qin. Ahh...I thought it will jadi, but aihya..tak jadi pulak. Never mind.

Plan two was Plurkers were planning a gathering in 1U, but they didn't make the location and time clear, and I'm a bit not confident about these cyber gatherings, so I just scrutinize new wing to see any familiar faces but saw none, so went back.

Plan three was, well, mamak again.

So when I was coming back from 1U, Shin Peih told me that she's actually in Ikano, being a bulb as usual. =D=D So went and find her, and passed by the maddening crowd outside The Curve. People were filling up the place for the New Year celebrations.


Actually we were pretty scared about the road blocks and causing jams around the place. So went back earlier, and then
SP: Oi, let's go Cofee Bean lo.
HT: Where de?
SP: Desa Parkcity la. no people there de ma, can talk habis habis.
HT: Ok lo.

Ok, seems like we were very wrong about Desa Prkcity.


It's crowded with people, and saw some familiar faces. Dunno it's a good thing or not. And even in Coffee Bean, it was full and we had to wait to get seated.

SP: Walau, so many people de?
HT: How I know leh? I thought will be quiet till can hear mosquitoes.
SP: ...

So once we sat, we were never gonna easily move our asses. And to fill in the blanks, we camwhored as usual but not much. SMSes kept coming in and Shin Peih even got a call from her sis from overseas. Pretty fulfilling ler..


Our cakes. Shin Peih's Blueberry and my triple layer cheesecake dunno what lar.


=P Shin Peih leng lui.


=D Aihya, Hui Ting also leng lui mar...Cheh...

Afterwards we counted down at the lakeside. There were fireworks display.


Very sien to put all, so just upload a little.

Welcome 2009! Make my new year a 365 days of unlimited excitement and adventure. Let me experience new things and meet new people. Let me grow and mature. Let my wishes come true. =) Afterall, I am just a simple human being craving for a little bit of rush in my blatantly average life.