All Wounds

It finally got into my mind that this is not going anywhere anymore. At least, it's not anywhere in front. But this is finally the time that I am not having the idea of still tugging onto the lone string that held the question in my mind for so long. If I am not able to get an answer, so might well as I just forget about the question and move on with life. It's not something somebody had said. In fact I have done listening to his apologies that seem insincere to me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive and nonjudgmental. All this while I believe that there were questions running in both our minds but I'm pretty sure each of us were too insecure about making any moves that might change today. Besides, it's not the advices and opinions that changed my sense of self-realisation, because no matter how my friends assure me that this is not my fault, I am still very conscious about how this issue had taken its toll on me, merely because I believed that they were just lending a helping hand, to make me feel better. But not pulling me out of the sense of elation because in fact the people who knew me will never look at me the same as before, after so long I had built my image of a person who will never dwell in emotions and relationships. I do sincerely appreciate their care during that time, because I believe that without them, I cannot withstand the pressure and unable to concentrate. But after that, the sense of guilt had again overcame my momentary blocked conscious. Let's face the truth, because I even look down on myself as I regard myself as worthless and even cheap.


Previously when I thought myself as a person who can live without bringing up my emotions when circumstances truly need them, and I had been the person who had looked down on other people who portray their feelings openly, without fearing the possibility of rejection. I had been the one who gossiped and laughed along. And I did got my own taste of medicine when I face this problem single-handedly. I realised that most of the time, emotions cannot be controlled no matter how hard you try. The whole idea of juggling between appearances and attitude seem like a joke for me. Solely because I believe that I am not very pretty, not very outstanding, not girly enough, and in fact I'm boyish, rough, and if there were a list, I am going to be the one at the last. No matter how much I campaigned about being striking in personality to win hearts, I still think that somehow, appearances do matter a lot. I'm not blaming the eye of the world in choosing. Because packaging is still branding, and advertising, and no matter how sucky the content was, you still can illustrate it as attractive as you can on the outside. I knew this since a very long time ago, and I believe that my life is going to be fine if I can be the best in everything if I can trade in my relationship. So for years I carry on my thoughts until the time came and I was unfortunately unable to control my emotions. And it shows how weak my soul is. And I resented it. As I know I am no pretty face or charming face, I excelled in studies, showed my leadership and managing skills, portrayed my creative talents, in order for my peers to look up to me for what I am, not what I look like. But I also got to know that actually a lot of self confidence comes from how good looking a person is. So it's like minus 50 marks for each social event I go. Because you don;t carry around a plat card saying you're the best Biology student. The first step is often triggered by looks. And saying that it's vital in life, and something I am rendered unpossesive of, thus unabling me a lot of opportunities, and most importantly, lowering my self-esteem and confidence.


It's great to have friends sticking up for me all the time, asking about the progress. But it sucked to make them worry, especially when the timing is bad and there were so much things needed to be taken care of, anything but my problem. And besides, it's my own matter, so in the end, it's still me making the decision whether to do anything about it. This is a realisation that I actually hated to have the feeling that it's floating in mid-air, not going anywhere. By right it's already ended, I think, because he has disappeared. And he has not bothered to keep in touch and finally I have also thought of myself unworthy his attention and decided that he, like any guy out there, just cannot resist the 7-year-itch, and speaking about just 7 months here. Sigh, sadly, I get that he is just playing around and not wanting to commit himself into anything because of a few reasons. And these reasons are as I assumed, firstly, because he is very aware of the differences between both of us, saying that I possess the taste he cannot manage to fulfill. And he was all the while wrongly assuming that I will be conscious about the material demands that he deemed unnecessary. In short, he wrongly-assumed that I cannot be sought after by someone of his kind. Secondly, I believe that this is because he is ashamed about what I am, because as I mentioned I am not good-looking while he is. Thirdly, he had no courage, being passive as he used to be. Lastly, this whole agenda is just me wrongly assuming that he had liked me, in fact he did not and I was too self-obsessed to ever think like that and fall for the fictitious sense of non-existing attraction.


I believe that I am a very good friend as I treat all my friends equally well and I understand and tolerate their differences in order to bring out the best of us by all means of friendship. I had always committed to trust my friends and I do not wish to lose one because of the mistake that both of us had made. I do not wish to quarrel and misunderstand as I know it will lead to unbearable sufferings and pain to both of us. And I also do not like to just guess and guess about what is wrong between us. In fact, both of us were just guessing it all the time and never got the guts to ask the final question which maybe will make a difference. I just hated the fact that simply all of those unpleasant events happened in a bad timing, I chose to abandon my friend and chose to make myself feel better, as in making myself blaming him for everything that had happened. I know that I am weak and cowardly, and I cannot face my own fears and I cannot break out from my protective mask and just solve the problem. In the end, I just simply chose to run away from the truth that I think both of us and most of my friends have already knew. I admit that I am not entirely truthful when I spoke to him. I had lied and sinned. And I believed so did he. But all those lies and assumptions had bought us to this step today, so upsetting until one of us finally gave up and fade away. I know it's unbearable. I have flaws because I am human and he forgave a lot of my mistakes but I am too arrogant to realise his tolerance. And yet I had started a lot of unwanted fights with him and it shattered our friendship before bringing it further. And if there is not stable foundation, how tall can the building go? I had always said I hated his sensitivity and not realising that actually I am also very emotional. So in the end it's me tasting my own dose of medicine when this issue turned bitter. It's a story of two people holding their pride to high, and finally this pride is so precious that it worth blank nothingness in the end. How foolish is human. How pitiful I looked when I was afraid of myself. It's not him I pity now. It's my alter ego, my prideful and arrogant, insecure and non-moving stone hearted beast that I gave my pity to. A fool and a coward.


I had learnt a very valuable lesson of life as I face my own monsters everyday. Each night, I pray for the will to sleep without dreams. Each morning, I wake to learn to enjoy my life without his presence. I eliminate his portrait from my head each day as I go, knowing that this process needs time and faith. Of course I regard myself as a survivor from a terrible ordeal. I thank all my friends making the effort to make me feel better. Seriously I am fine but as you guys know, time is vital here, just give me the space and time to let go. I thank God for giving me strength to face everyday without him. Giving me faith to keep believing in your mercy and power. Giving me hope as you never fail me.