Mixed Thoughts

Lotsa stuff happened.

Firstly, I had my piano trial exams today. I went there half an hour early thinking that I can have time to chill and relax and prepare whatever crap. And apparently I was wrong, because I was called in early before I could get a grip and take some air. And I freaked out. Reason, I do not have the confidence knowing that I have a wonderful history of flunking my piano exams very frequently, and besides pieces, I sucked in every other part, the worst in aural tests and sight reading. And I hated scales, so I did not really bothered about practicing, and only managed to practice a little this morning. My teacher always complained about me not putting in emotions when I perform, huiting, put in feelings, feelings!!(Darn, it sounds orgasmic). I am emotionless lar, honestly, I am not that passionate like other music players. I do enjoy music, but I do not really fancy playing. I prefer to listen and appreciate, so can be said that my mum is chucking money to the bin for investing in my music journey, waste of cash LMAO. So yeah, I was literally sweating my ass off in the room. I screwed scales, because I only knew how to play C major in similar motion legato an octave apart. No la, not that bad, I can still manage to play third apart and some arpeggios. But apart form that, disaster. Pieces, still okay, but I got room 306, the room with the worst piano in the world. So, I kinda sucked a bit here and there. Sight reading, I was =.= speechless. Nobody will know that it was a piece of music. Aural, haha, no comment. =.= When everything had ended (in a pile of mess), the examiner still can smile at me and wish me luck in my real exam. I was thinking, divine intervention can do a little help now. I was disappointed. Urgh! I can't believe I screwed it up!

Secondly I seriously think that I am addicted to shopping, not to say that I am a shopaholic, it's just that I am compulsively buying things that I don't really need. I have lots of clothes I don't wear. I have prom dresses which I do not even need for now. I have heels I wear only once. I have cosmetics which I don't use. And I have a card I can't help swiping. Duhhh... Body Shop! you robbed my money!

Lastly I miss my friends a lot. Some had already got the USM offer which says that they are leaving soon. Sad. I miss them.

And I am addicted to loud music because I somehow feel that plugging my ears to drumbeats and noise can momentarily erase stress and my troubles. But when it was time to face reality, I feel lethargic and blank to deal with the truth. Feels like running away or just leave them as they are. I am restless because trouble troubles me like they always do. Annoying.

But life is still okay to live. I lovey everyday!

PS: Exams soon.... Stay tuned. Bleah....

I Dedicate This To You

It's no surprise that after being in a crowd and being with people that I let reality sink in that once I am alone, solitude and loneliness seeps in fast and direct. So much for partying in a fake sense of belonging that in the end nothing more than pure aftermath of the chaos, I found myself mourning at the loss of my true personality. Why pretend and appear that I am enjoying every moment? Perhaps, yes, I may had been ecstatic with remoulded joy at that instance, but the truth behind every joke and every fine line of smile, had to be reconsidered, worth it, or not? Definitely no. It had been faked, very genuine-like, but it's still a fake, and fake goods gets discarded like trash because they lack authenticity. Just like people who fake personalities, trying to be owned, trusted, belonged, lacked courage to portray emotions and opinions of one of a kind. Lack. Shallow. Scared. Like what I had been trying hard to prevent. Do not allow changes in life incline me towards the bad. Let truth and good reign. But temptation has its course. A tip off the balance. Words I am not supposed to say. Acts which are forbidden in my context. My principles not abide. Upon points in my life, I am asking myself what am I supposed to do now? What's my next step? What's my purpose in life? What am I seeking for? Is what I am doing now really that important? Where are my priorities? What else do I lack? What else do i need? What else do I desire? Questions after questions. I keep faith strong. I prayed for answers. I however got answers to be patient. So patience should I acquire. Fluctuating between lines is yet another routine now. Solitary generosity in talking about life. I do not own anything though. Pure and cleansed blankness. I am truly lost, in a nutshell. Perhaps, a lifebouy? It do not even have to be a lifeguard. Chuck me a piece of wood to cling on still waters. Because even in stagnant waters I can barely save my own soul. I had became thoroughly dependent, but no one, just no one could save me from the fall out.

It had been so long, but it had never been easy. But I will try. I want to forgive, because it is the only way for me to forget and move on. The past, and everything, shall not be pondered upon. I want a clean break. Clean and clear cut, a distinct line. And after all, I wish you well. I dedicate my blessings to you. And remember, it has always been my wish to see you happy. =)

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight


Moving on, come along. Life is too perfect to be missed. Forward is my direction, because my destination lies in front. God is still great. I am still, okay. =)

KLCC Outing

Watched Sell Out with college friends that day. Henry Jason Johnson Jane. First time watching a Malaysian production.



Verdict: Go watch and determine. No harm to support our local film industry. Clear cut sensitive issues dissected in an implied way, turning, compulsive, yet, revealing. LOL, I don't know what am I talking about.

We went to Petronas Art gallery cause we wanted to see paintings and stuff. Then went to MPO Box Office to enquire about tickets for performances. I am glad that I had finally found people who shares the same passion as I do. Last time it was like just Pei and me who enjoys such performances. Now it was like, the whole bunch of dudes. Very blessed. =) Now I can't wait for the performance. I really really want to watch!!

Reached home at 9.30pm. Gosh gosh....

Forgiveness

Aurora- Northern Lights

Repentance.

Sorry I am a sinner. I sinned. Again and again. I thought I would never repeat again, but I did it again. I did it with awe. I felt good about it. I felt great. It pleases me for that moment. It makes me feel that I was in power, in control, in motion. But I knew it was wrong, I should have stopped from proceeding. I knew that if I were to stand in that position to be subjected to such a humiliation, I would feel bad. But I disregarded the good inner voice inside me, I went on towards the direction of temptation. I was weak, I was tempted, I was unworthy to judge. Yet I did. I am truly sorry. I pray for self realisation when such a circumstance arises again. I am needy of strength. Forgive me, Lord. Provide me.

Cleanse me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

There are always colours even in the dark. The light and the dark are creation.

Breaking The Divider

There are so much in my mind nowadays. People and incidents and the connection between them. Interaction. Coincidence. Supervention.

Whatever. It bothers me the way it was not supposed to.

Life's routine has brought me to where I am learning to appreciate every moment to stick according to its pace. Not to mention that last time I used to be praying about something different to happen to me. Dear God I pray for a surprise in my life. Somehow better is that I go according to plan. Nobody gets hurt and everybody stays happy. Bland is one thing. Security is another. Best to leave me moulding in my own solitude. Drowning in fake and artificial home made happiness. And when people asks, remember to ever appear to look that oh gosh, envy me, I have such a perfect life. Yeah yeah, perhaps why appearing to be happy and being happy can be folded in a way that they touch each other in just a crease of paper. Bored is not precise, and I am not lying that I am lost, blank, and seeking the purpose in life. upon losing hope on people, faith, will always keep me strong, always giving me the reason to anticipate a better day when I open my eyes each morning. The point where I am feeling extremely blank has reached the extreme. The maximum. The border of infinity.

I don't mind a single bit, because I know I will survive and I will continue alone. Solitude and lonesome is a part of my life. When I die, I know, my grave is where I lie alone. And I shall be left alone. I shall rot in pure feces and nobody will cry and ever miss me. Dead and gone. Forever gone from existence.

The Gang

Manhattan Fish Market @ Mid Valley

Quoted from Von, I am starting to love college life. Today we went to Mid Valley to watch Night at The Museum 2 which inspires our dear Henry to visit our very own Muzium Negara. After having lunch at Manhattan Fish Market we group studied as planned. Sue Anne, Wai Mun and Tuan Wern went off early for a cultural performance so it was left a few of us stuck at Starbucks. Mid group studying Sean joined us and we started a hefty gossip about some people in class ...ahem. In a nutshell everything was cool from the movies to the fellowship.

ITT(law)- Invitation To Treat- invitation to another party to make an offer

In Night at The Musuem 2 it was interpreted as Intention To Touch and it was hilarious. And ter-za-dao-ed. (lawyers insider joke, ss-nyer)

Random photos during lunch.






Fire burning Sean Kingston LOLX.





I just love these people. They are going to be great in the future. It's just too interesting to get to know them more day by day. Me lovey =) You guys rocks!

PS: Eh, you guys don't pretend as if I am going to treat. Still owe me money wei. lol

Sushi Buffet

One word. Awesome.
One phrase. Enjoyed it to the max. And people please be careful with oysters.

We went to Shogun as a promised outing to specifically wish all of us all the best in our future undertakings, so it seems like a farewell in advance. I am already currently pursuing a law degree, and the twins has intended environmental engineering while Zi Qin has always wanted to be a mechanical engineer. Whoa! Engineers! Cool~ However in broader terms this is just a outing with my best friends who had stuck together with me since high school. Gosh I really love them. We have been together for seven years lol!


The legendary Shogun.
PS: Jogoya is so expensive and so far.

I never consider myself a sushi kaki but since it's an all-you-can-eat buffet, so just eat. So, just let pictures dictate. I am lazy and too full to type.


My first helping. Looks yummy right? It does. =)


Second helping. That roll there is some peking roast duck. yumz.

And thus I lost count but in conclusion we had lots of helpings and it was really really filling.


These are all the cheesy stuff and the chawan mushi.


Fried stuff. Didn't really fancy them.


Some soup they gave. Spoiling our appetite. Disaster of the day.


Another helping.


Some pure vege sushi. Personal favorite. Very crunchy though everyone says it's bitter.


Oysters. Aphrodisiac ahem...


Random.


Tempura prawns. Nothing special, though ZiQin likes them.


Fish head. I didn't touch that O.O Looks geli to me.


Variety of cakes.


Another personal favorite. A must try. Mixed fruit cocktail.


Ice Cream.


Mi Soba. Everyone can't bear to eat this.


Twins and Zi Qin! Best friends.


Me and my peeps.


Group photo. Blur but I still love it. =)


And we drank to our futures and to the guys who had appeared in our lives jerks or not LOL! (I made the guy part up)


After buffet we accidentally met 'someone' and ahem...shall not comment further to avoid trouble. So hence it finalises the buffet for the day. Very fulling is a guarantee. Another thing is was, meting up next time, can do a simple meeting at some other places. It is definitely more satisfying if we can sit down and talk while enjoying food rather than walking around for food and complaining about how full we are lol. But anyhow, today was an excellent chance for meeting up after so long. All the best my friends. You are great people. Friendship, is everything.

Childhood

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight......

Intervenus

I planned to settle my criminal assignment as it was supposed to due this Friday. Furthermore I really have to push myself to the max as exams (though mock) is about to start, and considering that my fellow classmates are really really good (which contrasts me lagging behind), I have to revise and catch up with studies. Furious that I am unable to keep on track with the current pace of the syllabus, I tried to make effort, but it seems, I have lots more to have in mind rather than just purely concentrating in my studies. I cannot concentrate! ARGH! Why? Why? God , please teach me how. T_T

And when mum pops her head in occasionally to check whether I am studying I have to fake the studying-and-please-go-away look and it's so fake. I even have to prop my desk so as to appear studying very hard. Gosh, pretender mode. Then, I am either staring to blank space with the radio blasting or dozing off to the sheets. Law is so interesting when cases appear to be interesting but interpreting it most of the time, bores me a lot, and analysing it makes me even more dulan especially when there is a blank info where if you were to continue, it must be there, if not, the work have to be cut short there, no point, or no way to continue. And I hate it, I really really hate it. When I am serious and I want to get things done, blocks like this, makes me want to tear papers and chuck my books into the bin. In the end, it results to nothing, leaving me more tired and frustrated than in the beginning. It feels like I was wasting time. Yeah, one factor is that I am stupid, not like others, saying to get a point across I have to digest it a for a very long time before going into my brain. Low IQ, blaming genes. =.= not funny at all.

Perhaps I am very kiasu and kiasi. Fear to lag behind and come on, it's not like I want to be the best or whatever. It's just some particular incidents which happened over time which made me very very pissed because someone acted as if he/she is so damn good, that he/she have the authority to laugh at others. I mean, come on la, we are still new to the subject, you, me, everyone else in the class. I am not giving a slightest damn if you're from whichever pre u course because in my opinion, immaterial. So, please don't act as if you know so much about the law and oh what, you can lecture? Oh please, humour and enlighten me. This is so ridiculous, I don't mean to hurt or defame anyone, but just, please look at yourself first. We start out equal. No yardstick in official to prove that you're the best. So, please don't have the idea you are the best. It's sickening. You want to action in class or whatever, your problem. But the way you laughed at fellow classmates, unacceptable. I don't like. Perhaps it's my problem not telling you this in person, but really, I don't even consider bothering to talk to you because why, you put yourself so highly mightly what the heck. Bleahh, I am so bitching, but just saying so that, I don't really feel that whatever actions you did, serve a positive purpose towards the opinion of others towards you, the positive at least. I may think you are a good student, a person? Maybe not so. I may not be the best, but I respect my fellow classmates and their opinions, okay?

Gosh, now I wished that I hadn't typed out all these. I am not referring anyone in particular, a disclaimer. Take this as a fictitious character and just take this as an advice. I love people. I want to love and forgive people. =) I still want to do things that pleases God.

I pray for wisdom, dear God.
Goodnight.

Fond

And perhaps, we have so much in difference.

But yet, we find so much to compromise. Diverged thoughts, backgrounds, beliefs, somehow or rather never posed a boundary towards giving us the strength to proceed. Times having arguments, disagreements and disapproval, one thing for sure, we do expect us to come out with the best solution for the benefit of both of us. Times of sharing thoughts, spending time cherishing each other, I found that actually, I really really do appreciate you for staying by my side, guiding me through thick and thin, sharing moments of triumph and depression. I have no secrets to hide when I am with you, nor do I have to conceal anything, because you gave me the comfort to speak my mind, express myself as the freedom I possess and deserve. I should know that I could not ask more form you, yet I desire, a long lasting relationship, be it distance or time, should not be the factor the bond looses its elasticity.

I just want you to know that I enjoyed every second we had together, whether laughing our heads off in the car, shopping like maniacs, studying together in Coffee Bean, dining and talking about EVERYTHING in the whole wide world, texting you, chatting with you... Because I know that in anyway or another, after a bad day, or a lousy downturn of emotions, there is always a person to turn to apart from God, that is you.


Pei Xuan! Besties forever!

PS: I am so sorry if any guys out there injured you or whatever, cause they are just plain jerks. You deserve better my dear, cause you just do. If anyone else dare to break your heart, I will make sure I break his face and some organs (ahem). So yeah, don't play and joke. I am serious about injuries. The power of sticking-for-best-friends.

* My dress still with you right? >.<

The Good Pretender

I took the advice to keep myself busy and so I hung out with college mates and joked around, wishing the fun could take my pain away. Yeah, college buddies were great, practical jokers and good people. Basically I tried to keep myself busy with books and notes and people. Diverging the attention so that my active mind won't wander towards the solitary extreme.

But when I am alone boarding the train, standing among strangers, my mind just made the imprint so strong, and I just kept thinking about it. And it never went away when I was showering, mixture of salty secretion and cool water draining away. How I wished all those memories could be carried away like that, permanently deleted, washed away. Watching the water draining away, something about staying strong and moving on somehow made me manage to dry my face and look normal as I stepped out of the shower.

I made my commitment strong. I cannot crumble like this anymore, this is very weak and very foolish. In any way you interfere with my life, my emotions will never again swing and made so vulnerable to hurt. Because you are past tense. History. I don't need another chance, because why. I had a good future ahead. I am a future lawyer in making. I have got friends who care. Family who loves. I have my life so interesting with people who can make my day. I have God. And please just remind me that you're just supplementary, secondary and subsidiary. I do not need to turn back and linger because all the things went so wrong then and I am sure it would not have been any better if somehow things proceeded. It already screwed my life once. There shall be no second time. No more chance again. I am moving on, carrying myself perfectly okay.


I dried my eyes and tilted my face and feel Your grace. You are so real, God. I thank you for your unconditional love.

Chronology of Pathetic Thoughts

1. Shock
2. Disappointment
3. Upset
4. Frustration
5. hurt
6. Rejection
7. Solitude
8. numb
9. Lost
10. Pretend
11. Anger
12. Conceal
13. hurt
14. hate
15. Revenge
16. Violence

Today I am so frustrated and upset so I decided to go for a run and it was a bad idea cause I was too carried away by my thoughts that I tripped and fell and I sprained my ankle slightly. Unable to walk, I sat on the divider of the road, fighting back emotions, thinking about how stupid I am to just give in and give up.

And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Cheh. dot dot dot...

Mothers' Day Dinner

It's already past 12 midnight and hence


HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY to dear mummy!

We already celebrated Mothers' Day as a family occasion by gathering for dinner at our beloved steamboat buffet restaurant as if there is no other better place for dining. Anyway, buffet always equals to chuck-in-food-non-stop in my context so I was preaching to my cousins about my buffet rule.

1. Eat fast.
2. Don't stop.
3. Don't drink anything.
4. Take all the expensive stuffs first.

Something like that until Mum started to make noise.
My aunt just said:

" Eat la. Eat already, sleep. Tomorrow wake up only talk about going on diet. Now, don't care about all these."


A very pro makan me booked the table by the name of Miss Hee and everyone took it as a joke. =.= Funny meh?


Our table with all the balls in the world (ahem) and all those seafood. Everyone kept taking as if they can eat a lot until they saw the sign saying that leftovers are charged 5 bucks per 100 gram. Mum was the first one to panic.

" How arh? Don't take already. Later cannot finish."

My aunt will be like:

"Don't worry. Sure can finish one. Trust me."

Battle of the forms. Story of my life. LOL.

Presenting my family.


All my cousins, uncle , aunt grandma and siblings.

My favorite cousins.


Sis, Me, cousins Ling and Yee. (PS: This is what I called leng lui gang. LOLX Extreme syoknes)


Bro, Mum, Aunt, Sis, Cousie Yee and up there, Me and Cousie Ling. =)


Me and Ling =) Camwhoring session.


Mum and Aunt =) funny 'old people' I am so dead if this verse leaks out. XD

Everyone kept chucing unwanted food to me and it was like " Eh this one who wants? Hui Ting, Nah!" Chucks into my bowl. I was like dot dot dot. LOL. In the end, I was full like nobody's business because as usual, I eat like a pro. XD


The pile of shells on my table was the highest pile and Mum was complaining about it. Who cares? =P

I am so full, even now. Definitely, it had been a long dinner. Everyone was like: Phew, cannot breathe. Happy Mothers' Day again to all. =)

Lips Like Sugar

Me always likey weekends. No classes and work. So today Pei and I (how come it's her again? My bestie so yeah, if you got any problems so beep off) went One U with intentions of shopping and mission achieved. Very impulsively bought a dress which cost me about 60 bucks from Wh. After exiting only realised that, hey, actually do you need this dress? But shopaholic rule 1 says that, no regrets. So yeah, happily with my new darling~

The best part was: Fondue. Yum yum. And the most important thing about fondue was that I REALLY REALLY love it. It was very sinfully pleasuring. One word. Wonderful.


Four types of fruits and belgium chocolate. =)


Ada orang punya muka buat kacau XD


Pei dear and me LOL! besties forever!


Yummy strawberry dipped in rich chocolate LOLx!


And not forgetting Kor who was darn tired on that day. We met cause he was there getting a friend a present.


Yay!


Nah, if you're interested, this is Chocolate Lounge in One U. Not bad lar. The fondue thing is definitely worth trying. 26 bucks and very filling.

Outings like that with my closest friends really cheers me up for the bad week. Though not much was said and not much done, but you guys know that I appreciate you all a lot in life, and I won't ever ever want this friendship to end in any way. I wanna hug you all! =) =)

Thank you for making my day. Me lovey you all!

Conversation

It was a dark night, time was 3am in the morning. It was pouring, thunder growling amidst dark, heavy clouds, with the accompaniment of blazes of lightning. The wind howled and windowpanes rattled upon the frequency. The storm was bizarre, and likely enough that Malaysia would ever experience this kind of thunderstroms unless you're living by the coast or somewhere near our forests close to the borders of Borneo.

Uhm, okay, Scrape the hyperbole.

It was just a normal, stuffy, typical Malaysian night, and it is suffice to say that I cannot sleep under these extreme conditions. I was given a superb suggestion to open my books and do some revision but no thanks mum, I am happy with my pillows, though it was a guarantee slumber pill if I ever do so. Sue me, I am lazy.

When people cannot sleep, they think. Some even think in their dreams, and hence they get nightmares and they claim that it was a dream and something whatever oh so unrelated to me. Okay, so uhm, I was tossing and turning on bed and my mind did the same. Thinking and thinking and thinking.



Perhaps the idea of ruling was never so fine
The mind conquered over my emotions
Chosen law of nature to abide
I confess
I had failed before I try
With the intentions of soaring high
Why let the worthy be tested?
Why let the extroverts reign?
Why do audiences of crime, pass by
Without the label of sin
And ever tasted vengeance so sweet
I find it tempting to again seek
The addiction, nontherless
Had been so crucifying to ditch
I confess
Philosophy was to be understood
If ever I could shed pride
And humbly pursue
A degree of time
Wasted beyond consideration and mere perception
I confess
I am not worthy to please
Vocabulary of esteem
I never master the very fundamental
Life is but nothing of everything
I live to abide
I confess
I appreciate and I enjoy
And blessings to count every night
Are but my cravings for rush and lush
Solely my soul desires
I am but human
Mortal and of fool material
I confess
I shall rather survive =)

LOL, I like literature, ain't?

Don't Know

I am sitting in front of the screen staring at absolutely nothing, except feeling every decent bit of loneliness and solitude creep into me. The silence was so deafening, that I heard my voice screaming words of agony and release, and the only reasonable thing to do, is to just keep on staring and controlling so that those tears which is welling up wouldn't flow from my eyes. Yeah, talk about emo. I am emo. I don't spell fun and jovial and in each happy face I put, it faked a lie. I just don't have reasons to stay thoroughly optimistic, and I easily get disappointed and depressed. Yeah talk again about having faith and stuff. Yeah I do, and I pray and I believe. It's just that, I have lots of these moments enough to hold me down, in nicer words, keep me humble, not to have confidence, denying compliments. Even to the extend of doubting and mistrust. It was ought to put it in a way that life is difficult. You have to go through hardship to mold a better person. In the end what comes out from the box is a Hui Ting who has no heart and cruel and cunning and absolutely has no pity towards anyone because what she thinks is that: They deserve to be lame.

I know that some past is hindering me from savouring good things in life, and the words I don't deserve this keeps popping out whenever I reach my hand out to receive something good. Withdrawal comes before rejection. Disapproval comes before disgust. It always has a way to spoil my rewards, kills off my excitement, dumping shit on my victory. I get numb by standing in the pouring rain, feeling every trickle of humiliation drip over my entire body, though I am shivering inside I have to appear enjoying the rain on the outside. What fuck is this? I wouldn't like to swear, I am tempted to do so, I know this is wrong. But who understands my frustration and desperation, oh but Him? I am meant to be tested before I become someone big, I know. I did not crumble, this is merely a rant. I am truly sorry, this is the story of my life, I know I am going to creep on the corner of the room and start writing the pages, constructing the future of my own, again, His directions.

Again i felt that this signifies that I have very few things in the world. I don't know should I ask for more, or should I thank for contentment? Sometimes depending on divine intervention seems the only way, and I realise after I had wash my eyes, that God is providing in any sense, just that I seem to stubborn to just turn around and see.

Here I am, real and nothing more.

Nothing less.

I am the Hui Ting who everyone knows buys Starbucks every Monday, likes black and doesn't really bother to pay attention during class. Nobody knows that she is not happy and very upset by the fact that she knows that she isn't perfect enough.

Very vain and self centered thoughts, I apologise.
Lord, do not let me be tested beyond my will.

Jerks

Tend to appear in some point of time in our lives. We can't control, we can only complain. Just that when it comes interfering with our lives, and we find it so inseparable to kick them out like we did last time, it was when we finally knew that, those jerks are for real, genuinely jerks.