It's no surprise that after being in a crowd and being with people that I let reality sink in that once I am alone, solitude and loneliness seeps in fast and direct. So much for partying in a fake sense of belonging that in the end nothing more than pure aftermath of the chaos, I found myself mourning at the loss of my true personality. Why pretend and appear that I am enjoying every moment? Perhaps, yes, I may had been ecstatic with remoulded joy at that instance, but the truth behind every joke and every fine line of smile, had to be reconsidered, worth it, or not? Definitely no. It had been faked, very genuine-like, but it's still a fake, and fake goods gets discarded like trash because they lack authenticity. Just like people who fake personalities, trying to be owned, trusted, belonged, lacked courage to portray emotions and opinions of one of a kind. Lack. Shallow. Scared. Like what I had been trying hard to prevent. Do not allow changes in life incline me towards the bad. Let truth and good reign. But temptation has its course. A tip off the balance. Words I am not supposed to say. Acts which are forbidden in my context. My principles not abide. Upon points in my life, I am asking myself what am I supposed to do now? What's my next step? What's my purpose in life? What am I seeking for? Is what I am doing now really that important? Where are my priorities? What else do I lack? What else do i need? What else do I desire? Questions after questions. I keep faith strong. I prayed for answers. I however got answers to be patient. So patience should I acquire. Fluctuating between lines is yet another routine now. Solitary generosity in talking about life. I do not own anything though. Pure and cleansed blankness. I am truly lost, in a nutshell. Perhaps, a lifebouy? It do not even have to be a lifeguard. Chuck me a piece of wood to cling on still waters. Because even in stagnant waters I can barely save my own soul. I had became thoroughly dependent, but no one, just no one could save me from the fall out.
It had been so long, but it had never been easy. But I will try. I want to forgive, because it is the only way for me to forget and move on. The past, and everything, shall not be pondered upon. I want a clean break. Clean and clear cut, a distinct line. And after all, I wish you well. I dedicate my blessings to you. And remember, it has always been my wish to see you happy. =)
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Moving on, come along. Life is too perfect to be missed. Forward is my direction, because my destination lies in front. God is still great. I am still, okay. =)